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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 03/08/2023 17:12

They both sound fucking hideous. Get the hell out of there OP.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 17:13

Does sound like they have plans to get back together.. I would bow out gracefully if you can't tell them to fuck off.

Original poster
JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:13

HerAvatar · 03/08/2023 17:09

Even if that were true (it isn't) what exactly is he saying you've done to the kids? I'm struggling to figure out how he's going to spin you reprimanding SC for being 90 minutes late into you being abusive towards them? I think it's all bullshit to scare you into leaving OP, please stop listening to him and focus on what you need to do for yourself, solicitors, securing your paperwork etc.

Show quote history

The ex wife clearly doesn’t like me and has made that obvious throughout the years. I’ve been nothing but civil and polite to her yet have been harassed and intimidated by her throughout the years.

I don’t know exactly what’s been said word for word but she has told the assigned social worker about me, and has told them I’m dangerous, that I discipline her kids and that she needs them to know about me and what I’m like. She wrote all this in a text to DP which I managed to see over his shoulder earlier 🤔

OP posts:
TRexTara · 03/08/2023 17:15

sodabreadjam · 03/08/2023 17:09

I am wondering if your DH is planning to move his ex in - they both seem very keen on getting you to leave. Just a thought.

This is what I'm wondering.

OP he is now just chatting any old bullshit to keep you inside. He is highly motivated to manipulate you because he is worried his children could go into care, as the ex is nuts and he hasn't done a good job of being there fore his kids. At this point he will say anything. And he will feel justified in doing so because in his mindset he is protecting his kids and keeping them with their mum.

You are allowed to make different choices about your future.

Please get legal help.

sillysmiles · 03/08/2023 17:18

@JH20000 DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him

This is your issue. Why are you trying to parent these kids when the actual parents don't. I know it's not fair on the kids,, but this is also not your problem.
Why are you with some who clearly has different life perspective, is lazy and unsupportive?

TRexTara · 03/08/2023 17:18

SnowWhitesSM · 03/08/2023 16:20

The worst that can happen is OP that the SW says his dc need to see their dad outside of your home. That would be great news. I know it can be scary to have social workers involved but honestly they aren't your dc and there will NOT be any black marks against you with this. You will get signposted to the local DA support services who will help you with the housing situation.

This is it. What's the worst that can happen?very little can happen to you unless you allow him to take control of your home. A social services investigation is quite possibly an ideal situation for you. But not for them.

Lindy2 · 03/08/2023 17:20

Good grief. They are sucking you in to a toxic mess of drugs and awful behaviour.

For goodness sake start the process of splitting up - and that means selling your joint house, not giving it to your idiot partner and his ex (with whom he seems far to chummy).

Get out, start afresh and meet someone who deserves your companionship.

Lindy2 · 03/08/2023 17:21
  • too
HerAvatar · 03/08/2023 17:21

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:13

The ex wife clearly doesn’t like me and has made that obvious throughout the years. I’ve been nothing but civil and polite to her yet have been harassed and intimidated by her throughout the years.

I don’t know exactly what’s been said word for word but she has told the assigned social worker about me, and has told them I’m dangerous, that I discipline her kids and that she needs them to know about me and what I’m like. She wrote all this in a text to DP which I managed to see over his shoulder earlier 🤔

Show quote history

That makes me think it's bullshit even more strongly OP, SS aren't going to come out for that. I know how hard it must be right now but you need to find the mental strength to stop letting him put the fear of god into you, he's clearly deliberately trying to fuck with your head and I'm really concerned about how anxious he's making you. I really want to tell you to get the fuck away from him but I do think that will make it nigh on impossible for you to get your share of the equity from the house. That said maybe your MH has to come first, he's a fucking monster and openly hostile now so I'm really not sure it's safe for you to stay. Please call Women's Aid, I really feel like you need some outside help now.

FairAcre · 03/08/2023 17:21

Please get legal help as soon as possible. Do you have anybody who can help you?

TRexTara · 03/08/2023 17:21

Please use this time to get a good solicitor. You will need her.

TRexTara · 03/08/2023 17:32

Also, just living with someone who has no care for you. Who always assumes you are wrong, who doesn't trust your judgment and is basically out to get you, this can cause mental health issues.

Your partner is not kind to you.

I'm pretty bloody sure that you yourself would never treat another human being like this.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 03/08/2023 17:35

I have to say I’m not sure that SS will have an issue with you disciplining the children. That’s not really the worst any adult can do really.

Seriously @JH20000 , SS are there to protect the kids, not to come adults off. You do t have any legal responsibility towards those dcs. IF and that a huge IF, SS decided you were a risk to the dcs (which they won’t!), the onus would be on your DP and his ex to protect them.
At which point, SS would be interested to know why they haven’t taken steps, esp your DP. Which includes moving out of the house. Or only meet the dcs out if the house. Etc…
They wouldn’t have an issue with you. Nor could they force you to move out of YOUR house.

All of that to say that I’m wondering if all of that isn’t all for show from the ex.
And to assure you nothing bad for you would come out of a SS visit.

I still think your DP has shown you who he is. And he usher a nice person.
You really need to take steps to protect your assets (the house) and plan to separate. Your life will be so much better for it!

Beenhereforever1978 · 03/08/2023 17:38

I've not much to add to the already good advice you've had here, just wanted to add my support.

I know he's got it into his head that he's a very clever fellow who is going to steal your house from you, but he isn't. He's a great big wally.

You've got your footage, you've got your facts, are you having the meeting with SS privately? Because that sounds sensible right now. Also: black mark my arse. What a silly man.

UWOT1 · 03/08/2023 17:59

JH20000 · 30/07/2023 01:12

I know, but when DP rarely disciplines his kids…

I think I’m exhausted in general with it all, I’ve been dragged into every drama they have and have had abuse thrown at me every time. I’ve done nothing but be good to the kids and have devoted my time, energy and money into them.

Show quote history

Stop devoting yourself to them. You husband has no boundaries with his kids. Hes not raising them they ate doing as they please. He has no respect for you to allow his ex to speak to you like that. He is the problem. Divorce him. You'll be happier, less stressed and won't have all the drama. His kids can drag themselves up or not as the case may be.

UWOT1 · 03/08/2023 18:05

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 15:27

DP is gaslighting me again saying social services are now going to put a mark against my name and that I’ll be known as unsafe to be around children. Is this true? Will they even care my mental health is poor because of him and his children? DP has also told me if I decide to have a child in the future then they’ll be watching too??

He is saying I need to vacate the property and that his kids come first always.

You don't need to leave the house if you own the house. SS won't put a narky against your name. He's blowing smoke up your arse. You aren't abusing children you are putting in place appropriate boundaries. I'd show the social worker the ring doorbell footage.

MissyPea · 03/08/2023 18:53

Change the locks while he’s out. He’s a disgrace.

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 19:00

What he's saying is a steaming pile of 💩

Get a good nights sleep & tell the social worker the truth about how incompetent they both are and what actually happened when the SC was late home.

keep the door bell camera stuff very safe!

don't be bullied by those two!!

unicornhair · 03/08/2023 19:03

Just tell SS and they will be fine with it all. They aren’t going to put a black mark against you for telling a child off for coming home late.

id get advice and get the worthless shit out of the house.

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/08/2023 19:17

Ask him for the house to be sold!

Anothernamethesamegame · 03/08/2023 19:30

Op everything he is saying about social services is absolute trash.

You've broken up. You don’t even need to speak to social care at all or be present when they visit. I’d go for a walk or something when they are sue. You need have nothing to do with them. If your DH says to them that he thinks you are a risk then their question will be how he and their mother will keep them safe. The onus will be on them.

Also social care cannot make you leave the home.

I would call shelter though and ask for advice about what steps to take to protect yourself .

If stop communicating with DH if possible. Ask him to put any queries about the house/living situation in writing.

keep safe op.

Starseeking · 03/08/2023 19:41

I hope you find the strength to leave this awful man. I guarantee your mental health will 100% improve when you are no longer living with him constantly gaslighting you.

tianabiscuit · 03/08/2023 19:47

What are you getting out of this relationship OP.

And whatever it is, is it worth the misery it is causing you?

INeedAnotherName · 03/08/2023 20:02

Oh dear God. He's stealing your house by saying you are crazy 😮

I think you need to get a solicitor to start the ball rolling so you can sell the house and get rid of them all. Please also see your GP and tell them what is happening. So glad you have removed yourself for the night, hope you have a restful sleep. That man is evil.

JadeIsMyFaveColour · 03/08/2023 20:04

How did you end up with this arsehole? He and his ex deserve each other.

The DC are running riot as a result of the shit parenting they are receiving. It has nothing to do with you at all.

You need to immediately stop anything you do for the DC; money, any chores etc. Don't do anything for them.

Your DP has used you as a cash cow and a scivy to do his parenting for him. Now he is gaslighting you.

Find the strength to tell him, "go on then, let's get the DD round and have a good old chat about what has been going on here and with your ExW, bring it on". Tell him you are seeing legal advice about your share of the property and about what he has said about the SS.

You are a danger to the DC as you have given them boundaries and discipline. Honestly, what a joke. I actually think SS will give you a medal.