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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
TRexTara · 03/08/2023 16:32

As others have said, tell the absolute truth and show the ring doorbell footage. It might help you later down the line. Also keeping notes is great advice.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/08/2023 16:34

Look OP, you are going to have to toughen up for the visit. Crumble after if needs be but you are going to have to tell the truth. Tell them your DP is threatening you, show the evidence. TELL HIM that he needs to leave. You need to do this.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/08/2023 16:35

We are all here to see you through this, you can do it.

Original poster
JH20000 · 03/08/2023 16:36

I’ve booked a hotel room nearby, taken my work laptop and an overnight bag and have walked out.

Thank you for the handhold. One step at a time and I will concentrate on tomorrow when I get there

OP posts:
TRexTara · 03/08/2023 16:37

Well done! 👏

MMorales · 03/08/2023 16:40

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 16:01

Massive massive drip feed so I apologise but I didn’t want this to be outing.. this may also explain why social have become involved quickly.

the ex wife has already been under ‘watch’ by social services for neglect and drug taking. Any previous information sent to social services about myself has always been positive.

I am struggling to see the wood from the trees at the moment. Rational me would explain to social services the situation, however I think he’s gaslighted me so much I’m terrified.

Just show them the ring video footage if you still have it.

Also I thought the house was in your name too?

I wouldn't be leaving without a fight.

He needs to move out,.and the kids are welcome to stay with their mum.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 16:41

Op you need a mantra..
Fuck him..
Fuck her...
Fuck their fucking awful dc.
Start a fantastic new life and leave the fuckers to each other...
Thankfully you should be able to sell up quickly as his ex will want you gone ASAP.

Motnight · 03/08/2023 16:44

Good luck, Op.

unicornhair · 03/08/2023 16:45

Well done. I would think about getting some legal advice asap as well. If you both own the house there is no need for you to leave and take that cost on.
I would see what a solicitor says.

WaitingForSunnyDays · 03/08/2023 16:45

Please try to download the ring camera footage if you haven't saved it already. Apologies if I've missed that you have already.

Original poster
JH20000 · 03/08/2023 16:49

The ring camera footage is saved. The entire sorry drama happened in front of the kids yet I’m being made out to be the monster.

DP doesn’t know I’ve gone. I’ve even taken the dog with me.

OP posts:
Walkingtheplank · 03/08/2023 16:50

I was initially amazed that SS would visit you over one call. Now you've said there is some background it may be the visit is more about assessing DP and his ex rather than you. This could backfire on them.

I really wish you hadnt moved out. But understand the need to protect your mental health.

Keep your receipts though if this is costing you financially.

Original poster
JH20000 · 03/08/2023 16:50

I haven’t moved out, I’ve just had to get away for the night.

OP posts:
TRexTara · 03/08/2023 16:54

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 16:49

The ring camera footage is saved. The entire sorry drama happened in front of the kids yet I’m being made out to be the monster.

DP doesn’t know I’ve gone. I’ve even taken the dog with me.

So glad you took the dog! Totally understand why you need a few days to yourself in order to come back fighting. You have done absolutely the right thing and I'm happy for you. He is a drain on your mental health.

TRexTara · 03/08/2023 16:57

Please try to do at least one kind of self care activity in this time while you get your head around what you need to do, which might not be pleasant.

Id578 · 03/08/2023 16:58

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 16:50

I haven’t moved out, I’ve just had to get away for the night.

Great - well done you. 🙌
Perhaps use the opportunity to speak to Women’s Aid for further advice on what to do next.
As others have said, you have nothing to fear from social services and should tell them everything about how you have been treated, even if you need to arrange to see them yourself.

Original poster
JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:00

just a question about social services if anyone does know.

DP has been saying that social services won’t care about my mental health or how badly this entire situation has affected me. He says they won’t give two hoots and all they care about is the children. Is this true?

OP posts:
NameChangePoP · 03/08/2023 17:05

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:00

just a question about social services if anyone does know.

DP has been saying that social services won’t care about my mental health or how badly this entire situation has affected me. He says they won’t give two hoots and all they care about is the children. Is this true?

No. He's trying to make you afraid and conform with saying exactly what he wants you to say.

Don't. B totally honest with them. They need to know the truth and the children deserve them to know the truth as it sounds like your DH and his ex could use some support with their parenting.

Original poster
JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:08

Thank you.

He has spun it that if I tell social services about my mental health then they’ll immediately remove the children from seeing him, stating I’ll be a danger to them and I’ll get a mark against my name. He will then have no other option but to ‘remove’ me from this house. I know obviously legally he can’t, I’m just reporting what he’s been threatening.

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 17:08

Bet she is the joke of ss office.. Reporting you for telling their dc off. Ss backed up my exh for having a convicted sex offender in the house with our dc.. Ime they hold no cause for worry.

HerAvatar · 03/08/2023 17:09

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:00

just a question about social services if anyone does know.

DP has been saying that social services won’t care about my mental health or how badly this entire situation has affected me. He says they won’t give two hoots and all they care about is the children. Is this true?

Even if that were true (it isn't) what exactly is he saying you've done to the kids? I'm struggling to figure out how he's going to spin you reprimanding SC for being 90 minutes late into you being abusive towards them? I think it's all bullshit to scare you into leaving OP, please stop listening to him and focus on what you need to do for yourself, solicitors, securing your paperwork etc.

sodabreadjam · 03/08/2023 17:09

I am wondering if your DH is planning to move his ex in - they both seem very keen on getting you to leave. Just a thought.

NameChangePoP · 03/08/2023 17:10

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:08

Thank you.

He has spun it that if I tell social services about my mental health then they’ll immediately remove the children from seeing him, stating I’ll be a danger to them and I’ll get a mark against my name. He will then have no other option but to ‘remove’ me from this house. I know obviously legally he can’t, I’m just reporting what he’s been threatening.

Not at all. He's emotionally abusing you OP and you deserve so much more than this. Please don't listen to a single thing that he says from now on. Concentrate on your MH - and move on. I promise you this time next year you will be in a much better place without him.

RedRosette2023 · 03/08/2023 17:11

JH20000 · 03/08/2023 17:08

Thank you.

He has spun it that if I tell social services about my mental health then they’ll immediately remove the children from seeing him, stating I’ll be a danger to them and I’ll get a mark against my name. He will then have no other option but to ‘remove’ me from this house. I know obviously legally he can’t, I’m just reporting what he’s been threatening.

your DH is full of BS. I’ll be honest, they won’t care how it affects you, but they won’t use your mental state against you either.

NotStayingIn · 03/08/2023 17:12

They honestly both sound unhinged and dangerous. I am so so glad you are now seeing through it all. You are not the problem here. One step at a time - keep moving forwards getting out of this shit show and rebuilding your life. And don't listen to a word he says, he is lying to you and trying to manipulate you.