The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

I was 35 when I left my abusive ExH and met DH just under a year later, honestly mid 30s is still young in the grand scheme of things!

Mid 30's is still young, don't put yourself down and instead look at this as a positive that you don't need to deal with that vile creature ever again ! People that feel the need to boast about that kind of thing have very low self esteem and trying to make himself look like something he isn't !

He's now seeking you out to deliberately hurt you - see him for what he is a horrid, vile human! Use this to be thankful he's not your problem any longer

Mid 30s is still so young! You have more than half your life ahead of you. And what an adventure going to New York. You rock!

The next 3-6 months will be tough going to process everything you have gone through and grieve for what you hoped the relationship could have been like. But there is such a bright future ahead for you once you get through this last difficult stage. And know that loads of people on Mumsnet who you have never met are all proud of you, rooting for you, and in awe of your strength 🥰 and it sounds like you have supportive friends irl to help you through this.

Make 2024 the year you put yourself first, self care, travel, do the things that make you happy, try new things, spend lots of time with friends/family. And it might be a good idea to do the freedom project and chat to a therapist to make sure you recognise red flags in future potential partners.

I agree with PP. He's going out of his way to contact you to hurt you. He is losing control and doesn't like it. Block and delete on all forums. If you can afford it get a ring doorbell in case he turns up. Potentially, ask your solicitor to send him a letter telling him to stop contacting you otherwise you'll contact the police and report him for harassment. Set up your phone for emergency SOS in case he approaches you and you need help. Sometimes as abusers lose control they can get irratic it's worth being prepared in case his behavior escalates.

Speak to Rights of Women about a non-molestation. He may not of done enough yet to get one.

I would call your local police DV unit and report him for possible stalking and harassment.

The lengths he is going to and outlandish crap he is spouting is concerning.

Do you think he is trying to line you up to be another "bit on the side" for him??? His ego seems big enough.

He believes you can’t cope without him obviously.

Id get a solicitors letter out to him, he can keep contacting you otherwise and you need to cut his narc supply off.

Remember if he was deeply madly in love, he wouldn’t need to do this.

Well I am off to NYC for a few days. Very much looking forward to it. I am planning to enjoy every second of it especially as it’s a city I’ve always wanted to visit.

Whilst I know he’s not a very nice man I am desperately trying to get the thought of him and her out of my head. It’s still really painful for me and I can’t bear the thought of them having a nice weekend together when all I ever wanted from him was his time and attention. He never fucking wanted to do anything with me hence why it hurts so much knowing he’d go all out for another woman.

I would have to beg him to do anything, even going out for dinner was like entering negotiations.

He really did make me look like an utter mug. That’s how I feel. I feel I’ve just wasted a few years of my life on someone who never really gave a shit.

He’s not going all out for another woman though. He’s already sleeping with someone else.

None of this is about you, he’s obviously a horrible person. You’d think the way his children are he wouldn’t have the free time! You can see where his priorities lie just now…

Anyway I’ve driven to Heathrow and shall enjoy my trip, what a shame for him as he always wanted to go to NYC ;)

You're all so lovely, thank you for being there. I’ve had some of my darkest moments lately and it’s nice to know you’re all there rooting for me.

Update when you are back! Hope the weather is okay for you.

My rational brain completely agrees with you.

He definitely should be focusing on the kids instead of sex but that’s definitely where his priorities lie.

Please try and enjoy you trip. Don't let him spoil this for you too, he has taken enough from you already.

If it was wonderful you wouldn't be hearing from him!

Seriously I think he's hoping to keep you on the back burner.

Enjoy NYC🥳

He's continuing to contact you because he wants to hurt you, nothing else. Maybe this is all true, maybe it's not but it doesn't really matter, all he cares about is continuing to stick the knife in. He is not worth your time, even thinking about him.

Just be glad you no longer have to have anything to do with any of them and know that whatever car crash his life will end up as (because it will) has absolutely nothing to do with you. And make sure he stays blocked!!

Have a fab time in new York 🙂

I'm so glad you're going to New York. Have a fabulous time.

A partner who you had to negotiate with to even go out to dinner? (On top of all the other dysfunctional behaviour)

Honestly, I don't think you actually know what a good, fun and healthy relationship is. It certainly isn't what you've been experiencing.

He's binned and now you can move on and start enjoying yourself.

Have an amazing time @JH20000

Ignore the twat.
Concentrate on enjoying your time there, do the stuff you wanted to do safe in the knowledge that no one is going to come and mess up with it!

It’s still really painful for me and I can’t bear the thought of them having a nice weekend together

They won't be having any nice weekends together. Their kids are feral and incredibly damaged because of them! It won't end well so you need to build yourself up before he starts creeping around you again when he needs somewhere to live.
Have a great time in New York! I am very jealous 😢.

I hope you have a wonderful in NYC. Enjoy the fact you didn't have to beg, negotiate or be manipulated by him and you are in an upward trajectory from this point- although there may be some blips occasionally, which you WILL triumph over. There will be far more positives in your life. If you doubt this, reread some of your later posts when he was being incredibly abusive to you both mentally and physically, aided and abetted with his disgusting Ex and dysfunctional children.

Feel free to block his number from your phone if you've not already done so and luxuriate in your new freedoms. Good luck to you my dear - you deserve it. 🌹

I’ve made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t let him spoil it at all, he’s not taking this away from me.

Well I’m here and exhausted so going to have a very early night and then I’ve got a few lovely days of seeing this city. What a treat to myself and I’m very glad I bit the bullet and booked it.

Please send us a few snaps so we can enjoy it with you!

Make a photo your what's app profile...

I really hope you have a fabulous time in NYC!

This is the real start of your new life.

Sending you best wishes op 💐