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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
Keepinmovin · 29/02/2024 11:31

OP do you have a good friend that you can ask to help you block him.
You probably need to have someone sat there with you and you need to do it.
For your own sanity please get him out of your head

Lindy2 · 29/02/2024 11:58

Please just block him.

His previous actions to try and get you out of the house were now obviously to move her in.

They are all dysfunctional and unless you want to become dysfunctional too, you need to get away from them.

When will the house sale be complete? Do you have a new home to move to, to begin your fresh start? Things will get better when you stop contact with them all.

HarrietStyles · 29/02/2024 12:02

I’m so sorry @JH20000 that you are struggling. Honestly he sounds like a narcissist or a psychopath - I know these words are thrown around too liberally these days for anyone who is a bit of a dickhead…… but he sounds like he has zero empathy/sympathy and actually enjoys torturing you. He is cross that you broke free from him and lashing out to try say anything that will hurt you. It’s all probably complete bollocks - his ex hasn’t taken him back, they aren’t having an open relationship, he hasn’t got another woman lined up for sex. He’s just made up whatever he thinks will most hurt you.

You have been SO strong to get to where you are today, the only last hurdle is to block him and never speak to him again. You will take back all the power and he won’t expect it. I think you will feel amazing after you do it. If it were me I would text “Fuck off loser” and then immediately block before he can reply.

Original poster
JH20000 · 29/02/2024 12:13

A friend is meeting me after work and is staying with me tonight. She’s a bit worried as I did indicate I wasn’t coping and was worried of the dark thoughts I was having.

She is going to take my phone and block him everywhere. I feel ridiculous I can’t do it myself.

OP posts:
Keepinmovin · 29/02/2024 12:16

JH20000 · 29/02/2024 12:13

A friend is meeting me after work and is staying with me tonight. She’s a bit worried as I did indicate I wasn’t coping and was worried of the dark thoughts I was having.

She is going to take my phone and block him everywhere. I feel ridiculous I can’t do it myself.

Don't feel ridiculous. It's OK to ask for help. That is what friends are for.
Get her to block and delete everything.

Original poster
JH20000 · 29/02/2024 13:50

I have just blocked him

OP posts:
Original poster
JH20000 · 29/02/2024 13:50

I am utterly exhausted physically and desperate to sleep. Bring on 4pm when I will be able to

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 29/02/2024 14:00

JH20000 · 29/02/2024 13:50

I have just blocked him

Well done.

Take a deep breath and move forward.

RandomMess · 29/02/2024 14:20

Well done.

Now delete too.

unicornhair · 29/02/2024 14:37

Have you moved? You need to start looking forward, making plans, decorating, getting away. Doing all the things you couldn’t do previously.

Swizzel · 29/02/2024 14:50

He's still contacting you because he wants you to believe that he's having a great time without you in his life. You took the power away from him when you stood up for yourself and said "no more" and so he will take any opportunity he gets to show you what for.

Flip things around, change the loop of the narrative that he is currently feeding you. If he was really having such a wonderful time right now, why would he need to take time out of his life to tell you all about it? You had the strength to walk away, to say enough is enough, and to put yourself first instead of suffering the life you had with him. The only way he can get at you now is by pretending that his life is great without you. Don't let anything he tells you pierce your armour - you've been so strong and so dignified in the way you've dealt with everything, do not allow him to bring you down. You gave him love, support and tried so hard to give his children some stability. In return, he gave you jack shit - unless, of course, you want to count the manipulation, gaslighting and disdain with which he treated you.

I understand why you are finding it so difficult to block him out of your life completely. You gave and you gave, and it seems inconceivable that another human being could take everything you gave so selflessly and not return it in kind, even in some small part.

Lean on your friends now, allow them to help you to erase him from your life completely. You will come through this: as someone who was once in an emotionally abusive marriage myself, I can promise you that it is possible to emerge from these dark days and smile again, live again, enjoy your life again. Sending you a big hug 🤗

GreyBlackLove · 29/02/2024 15:09

JH20000 · 29/02/2024 13:50

I have just blocked him

Good for you!! Well done, I know it must have taken a lot.

Treat yourself tonight - whether that's a bath and bed, fancy dinner or a little thing you've been wanting. You really do deserve to recognise this big step.

There was a user on here a few years ago who split from a horrible ex and took up running as a distraction. It might be worth thinking about a hobby to distract you?

Keepinmovin · 29/02/2024 15:22

Swizzel · 29/02/2024 14:50

He's still contacting you because he wants you to believe that he's having a great time without you in his life. You took the power away from him when you stood up for yourself and said "no more" and so he will take any opportunity he gets to show you what for.

Flip things around, change the loop of the narrative that he is currently feeding you. If he was really having such a wonderful time right now, why would he need to take time out of his life to tell you all about it? You had the strength to walk away, to say enough is enough, and to put yourself first instead of suffering the life you had with him. The only way he can get at you now is by pretending that his life is great without you. Don't let anything he tells you pierce your armour - you've been so strong and so dignified in the way you've dealt with everything, do not allow him to bring you down. You gave him love, support and tried so hard to give his children some stability. In return, he gave you jack shit - unless, of course, you want to count the manipulation, gaslighting and disdain with which he treated you.

I understand why you are finding it so difficult to block him out of your life completely. You gave and you gave, and it seems inconceivable that another human being could take everything you gave so selflessly and not return it in kind, even in some small part.

Lean on your friends now, allow them to help you to erase him from your life completely. You will come through this: as someone who was once in an emotionally abusive marriage myself, I can promise you that it is possible to emerge from these dark days and smile again, live again, enjoy your life again. Sending you a big hug 🤗

Great advice from @Swizzel here. Flip that narrative!

Original poster
JH20000 · 29/02/2024 15:25

Ah yes I remember that thread with the lady who got dumped by text. Very inspirational.

yes would like to take up a hobby definitely although I have a few already.

I've actually just received news of a bonus from work so I am in the process of booking a trip to NYC, a city I’ve always wanted to visit. This is a real treat for me and I’ve always wanted to go so it’s definitely exciting

OP posts:
Original poster
JH20000 · 29/02/2024 15:25

I am due to meet a friend soon for coffee and to vent. I am leaning on friends

OP posts:
unicornhair · 29/02/2024 15:32

Yes!!!! Start planning that trip.

pity the ex and his kids won’t hear about it!

AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/02/2024 16:44

So the house is sold!!🎉🎉
And you have blocked him! Double 🎉🎉

And I’d reframe things too
If What there is between him and his ex is perfect love, why did they separate? Why did she give him a hell of a time at some point etc…
If what he has with his ex is perfect love, why does he need to have someone else on the go to have all his needs met?

These are just words.
Words to hurt you
Words to convince you he is better than you or has it better than you (not sure how. I mean having his ex as a partner doesn’t sound like a great catch tbh)
Words to convince HIMSELF he is doing better than you.

You on the other side have your life back. You have friends. You are still rocking it and more importantly you have your integrity intact.
Thats a hell of a lot more than what he has.

Original poster
JH20000 · 29/02/2024 19:03

I broke down in work today, feeling really rubbish about it. Was trying to keep it together but someone asked how I am.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 29/02/2024 20:21

Oh @JH20000 its fine, you're not superwoman. Anyone would understand you being upset - have an unmumsnetty hug!

Something else you're not, is a complete and utter raging twat with the emotional depth of a teaspoon. Unlike your ex.

Be honest with yourself - you wouldn't have him back if he was the last man on earth, would you. I hope not, anyway, you're worth 100x better.

On the plus side, if he's back with his equally foul ex, at least they're not inflicting themselves on the wider population.

CliffsofMohair · 29/02/2024 21:40

Your brain is probably starting to see the horizon with this one and the emotions you couldn’t process because you were so busy just surviving are probably coming to the surface now, all at once. You’ve been through a lot. You’ll come out the other side.

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/03/2024 09:14

He sent me a message on Facebook messenger of all places this morning saying his true destiny is to be in polyamory situations and that he has the ability to love multiple women. He’s going around now acting like a gorgeous hot womaniser. He needs to come off that pedestal I’ve put him on doesn’t he? He’s a middle aged man with a gut and a receding hairline who cannot communicate well and is physically abusive. He needs to come off that pedestal.

(sorry I don’t like to insult with physical characteristics but he’s throwing all this in my face)

Hes been blocked on FB messenger now

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 01/03/2024 09:21

I hope you laughed out loud op!!.. We all need a chuckle sometimes! Now you have one to hand!!

ShakeNvacStevens · 01/03/2024 09:26

Well done OP, you’re much stronger than even a couple of days ago. The only way is up!

LiveLaughCryalot · 01/03/2024 09:27

Just block and ignore. Do make sure you post pics from your trip to NYC though and that he can see them 😈. Only half joking.
I'm so glad he sent you that message cos it seems to have switched up your thinking a little bit. It made me chuckle. He sounds like an absolute tool.

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/03/2024 09:28

I am hurt inside after this latest drama. Just feel like such an idiot for wasting my life on it. I could have been working on my self, or have met someone decent - instead I ended up being a home help for him and his kids. I’m mid 30s and feel like this is it :(

OP posts: