The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

Please block and delete. Allow yourself to heal . Now the house is sold there is no need for him to ever contact you again. You are worth so much more than this scum bag!

They deserve each other

Have you got Spotify - have a search for doctor ramini - navigating narcissism ? Free pod cast and talks a lot of sense also will distract you on route to work.

The reason why it hurts is because he has done such a good job of gaslighting you. It explains why he wanted you to move out of the house, it was never you were a risk he just wanted to move his ex in.

What an utter bellend. It hurts but honestly I promise you will feel better soon

I know you’re all so very right. This is just hard to come to terms with. I’m so so hurt he would do that to me.

im up and getting ready for work, will try and plaster a smile on then cry in the toilets if needs be

You need something to do with your brain to help distract you for a bit.

Audiobooks are good at this. Just to be really clear you're not foolish or anything like that for not seeing this. Your ex gaslit you massively and it's going to take some time for the world to right itself.

Personally I wonder how long it will take for the epic love to burn out with the kids acting like complete twats.

You're allowed to be sad and heartbroken. Just one day at a time, each day ❤️❤️ you have got this, even if you think you don't !!

Hope the presentation goes well...

He knows he's lost you and has limited time with you as the house sale is coming to an end, so his last parting shot has to be good. Don't believe a word of what he says! Love my arse, he's not capable of it and nor is she., just let it slide, leave them to their toxic relationship with their awful kids and look forward to a drama free and happy life

You’ll be fine.

You need to block. Why does he feel the need to tell you these things? He wants to keep reminding you of what? What you’re missing? Nothing!
He wants to keep you dangling so if he needs to escape he can run to you and be rescued.

DFriend had this type of relationship - he still tries to keep her sweet so he can run away from the lasted mess he’s created - you are his back up the same as his ex was his back up when he was with you - he doesn’t love either of you - he’s just leaching and incapable of being alone. Needs a woman (any woman) to take care of him.

You ve lost nothing.

Just remember that if they were so loved up and happy he wouldn't he be thinking of messaging you.
If his life is now perfect he wouldn't have given you a 2nd thought. Clearly things are not wonderful that he has to tell you this to hurt you.

No one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live. Yes he has money from the sale of the house buy buying a house is long and hard,why bother when you can move in with your ex.

Good luck to them and their chaotic lifestyle.

Part of me wonders if they did have an affair or whether he is just usong it to hurt you as you escaped his clutches.

Block and delete all his messages.
And read this thread again and remind yourself of how crap your relationship was and how much stress you were under.

@JH20000 you are heartbroken because you are a good person and you gave your heart to someone and tried to build a relationship and a life together.

You will grieve, you will grieve for the loss of the relationship you wanted and thought you had. It's normal and every time he does or tells you something more about how horrible he was it's like another rug that gets pulled from under you.
If there's any way you can stop contact with him now you should if the house has sold. He will keep trying to hurt you. He has to because otherwise he has to own what he has done and clearly he won't do that. His only way to cope is to push it onto you ... you don't have to accept it though. It's not yours to own, you did nothing wrong here.
Hugs

I know I shouldn’t have but I did reach out to him via text for answers. I know I can’t get answers at the man who broke me but I did love him. I guess I needed to know why.

He has said that him and his ex wife are both in an open relationship, are now living back together and he has another woman on the go now who is 60. Apparently this other women can give him what he needs alongside his ex wife.

Yes I am grieving. I was struggling hugely and he was shagging his ex wife behind my back. He was also setting things up with this 60 year old whilst we were still in a relationship too. What a mess.

Can someone please say I’ll get over this? I feel utterly helpless

You will get over this!

He has emotionally and physically abused you, it's going to take some time to get past it all but you will move on in time.

Please ask for help in real life, you need friends, family and counselling to get through the aftermath of all of this but you can do it!

You will. I promise.
It will fade and the pain will pass. A little bit every day.

You have this OP. You have this

If they were in love then he wouldn’t need to tell you (also he’s a grown up so it’s all a bit ridiculous and does not ring true at all).

if they were in love why is he shagging other women! An open relationship a few months in!! Please!

at the moment she is convenient and that’s it. It won’t last, they don’t care for their kids. Why would they care for another adult. They only care for themselves, narcissistic bonding. This is all going to implode when they blame each other for the kid’s behaviour eventually- who else can they blame now!

Hes messing with you. Block him. If he tries to contact you again go to the police for harassment.

sorry but you are never going to get a good answer out of him, he’s a twat. All he has now is the ability to hurt you, stop letting him.

“He has said that him and his ex wife are both in an open relationship, are now living back together and he has another woman on the go now who is 60. Apparently this other women can give him what he needs alongside his ex wife”

Fuck hes disgusting. There is no deep love with his ex. They raised fucked io horrible children for a start.

Please block and delete, no good is coming from any of it. Even if you wanted to reply a simple “I wish you well” to EVERYTHING he sends you. Don’t respond, he wants the reaction.

And if you want to respond, send him a YouTube video of the scalliest ASBO druggy looking young kids and say, looking at YouTube I found a video about your children too.

You need some support in RL and consider soon the Freedom Course.

Right now you’re in the thick of it and the pain is so intense it clouds your vision. But once you have a little distance you will start to see things clearer like a camera lens coming into focus.

My ExH was physically and emotionally abusive, controlled everything from finances to friendships (clue - I had neither when I was with him) and cheated on me with both men and women (I only realised that bit afterwards). I was 18 when I met him, 35 when I left him. Met now DH a few months later and ExH is now little more than a fleeting “WTF?!” memory in my life. It gets better, I promise

I'd pack my bags

@JH20000 You need to stop all contact with him.. He's purposely fucking with you. He has been abusing you for a long time. He gets off on having the power to hurt you. Stop giving him the tools and access to fuck with you. You know his abusive. You know he's a liar. You will not get anything worthwhile or helpful from him. You need to continue therapy. You need to do the freedom programme. Try to go out with friends or join a club, college course so you are doing something your interested in. Also, exercise will be very helpful. It's good for body and mind.

I just keep wanting answers as to why someone could do this.

I was a huge support to him, both physically and emotionally. To the detriment of my mental health I stood by his side, as evidenced throughout this thread. I stood at his side at his own brothers funeral who died last year and cried tears whilst he stood there without a flicker of emotion. I don’t care if that’s outing now.

He's now shagging about here there and everywhere whilst he’s destroyed me inside and I can’t see a way out. I’m just about coping at work but I’ve cried twice in the loos already and feel like an utter utter mug for ever believing he loved me. I gave and gave and gave until I had nothing left

Honestly he’s never going to give you an answer.

he’s never going to say ‘im doing this because I’m a twat’.

Hes never going to say anything that reflects badly on himself, he’s never going to admit he is a terrible parent etc. everything is always someone else’s fault.

He obviously doesn’t even like his ex, he 100% doesn’t love her. Don’t get cut about that relationship. He’s shagging someone else and probably slagging you all off to her for his sympathy hit. In a year, they’ll be another woman.

You need to sit and think how very very lucky you are. You’ve escaped.

@JH20000 Stop torturing yourself. You'll never know the inner workings of his mind. Honestly, he probably don't know why he's done the things he's done. He wants to hurt you. He also wants to look like the injured party or justify his actions. IE I cheated because she didn't understand what love is. I ended the relationship because she was a negative influence on my children Ect. None of it takes responsibility for his action. None of it is true or honest.

You will get over it. It will take time. He has abused you. It will take time for you to process everything and heal. Honestly, this time next year things will feel less raw.

I am torturing myself I know. He couldn’t wait to tell me he’s treating one of them to a weekend away to a hotel I always wanted to visit yet he would refuse to go to.

I need to block him but I feel like I can’t. Why am I doing this myself :(

I actually think that he's jealous of you as he will always have his crazy ex wife, his dysfunctional kids, police & SS in his life and you're free of all the crap and can start afresh. But please please stop contacting him and delete his number; and ask whoever is feeding you the gossip about what he's saying about you to stop or keep them at arms length, the people that love and care for you know the true score and really they are all that matter. Focus on looking after yourself, you've been so brave, don't crumble now, think of it as a lucky escape, you are amazing 💐

Do you have a close friend you can give your phone to and they can delete and block everything, if you don’t have the strength to?

At this point you need to consider that it's not just that he is hurting you - you are hurting yourself. You have the ability to stop hearing and receiving these hurtful comments and choose not to. It's like standing there, taking abuse instead of walking away.

The man is a feckless dad, a fantasist and a liar - you will never get answers from him, and he'll tell you any lie about what he's doing now to hurt you.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to block him, the biggest message you can send to him is to block him and the easiest investment in a happy and peaceful future for yourself is to block him.