The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

Classic asshole move OP, rewriting history and just saying things to hurt you. Don't let this fucker ruin your faith in people, he's just going out of his way to break you down.

So glad to hear about the house and congratulations on the promotion, you're amazing ❤️

Congratulations on the house sale!!
All the freedom you have worked so hard for is almost yours
I'm honestly in awe of your determination and sheer strength of will to get through this - you deserve a medal, and a much better future (which I am sure is on the way)

Just reply that since honesty is the order of the day you are glad you can move on and find a man with a decent sized dick...

The end is in sight @JH20000
House sale going through. A promotion at work. You’re bloody brilliant 🤩🤩

As for whatever your ex is saying, I’d take it with a pinch of salt. Seeing all the lies he has been telling himself and everyone, you incl of course, it would be hard to know whether he is telling the truth, lying to himself, rewriting history or simply looking fur ways to hurt you as much as he can.
Unfortunately, seeing his behaviour recently, the last one sounds like the most realistic just now.

I hope the counselling is helping too. You’ve been going through the wringers.

Congratulations OP. You know the saying “don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from” - don’t let his pathetic rewriting of history get to you. This isn’t someone who sees reality like a normal person would!

Thank you, I’m crying tonight a lot over all of this. He’s definitely rewriting history and has made out that I’m the problem and the reason why it all went to shit. He hasn’t and cannot accept any responsibility for the part he played. To hear that he didn’t love me at all really really hurt, even if I am angry at what he’s done.

Thank you to you all for your lovely messages. I won’t lie this entire situation from the start has affected me hugely and I am struggling to wonder if I could ever welcome a man into my life again, especially one with children. I’m just not sure if I could ever build that trust again. I was naive before I met him but I’ve learnt a lot and realised step parenting isn’t for the faint hearted.

Aww OP it bloody hurts doesn’t it, even when you know they’re a weapons grade arsehole. You’re being amazingly strong and within touching distance of getting this horrible man and his feral offspring out of your life and whatever he says can’t take that away from you <big hug>

It's not something I would do again. I've been a step parent and a step aunty, and I wouldn't do either again.

I think you need to take the time to heal. When I was single, I was the most productive I've ever been. Just enjoy pleasing yourself and not having to consider or compromise with anyone else. Enjoy finding your space as you left it. Once you're healed, I'm sure you'll fund trust and love again if that's what you want.

There is a bright light at the end of this scary, dark tunnel you're currently in dear @JH20000. Keep stepping forward, one careful but sure step at a time until you reach the safety and happiness you deserve.

You have come through a great deal, and that will have taken a lot of your mental and physical energy, but here you are on the cusp of escape. He knows you will only get stronger the further away from him you get so he'll do everything he can to get into your head and destroy you. He is a pathetic, bottom feeding user affiliated with a feral family who is not worth a moment of any part of you and your future. Hold onto that and be grateful you were not in even deeper into your former relationship with him because, yes, it could have been worse - couldn't it?

Grasp your approaching life without with with both hands. It's already started - soon a new home without his presence, a promotion recognising the value you gave to your employers, friends who will give you the support and love you deserve. Leave him to sink with his excrescent Ex and children - they deserve each other. 🌹

He’s rewriting history more now, apparently I was really possessive and controlling. This is news to me (I wasn’t possessive or controlling at all!)

This rewriting history is really messing with my self esteem, my brain, my confidence, everything really.

Rewriting history makes you doubt right? Has anyone else been through that? I’ve never been with anyone before who has changed the entire narrative of the relationship when it ended.

Why are you even reading his shite?

my BIL is like this. He has totally rewritten situations to make us out to be terrible people, just absolute lies.
I think it’s quite common narc behaviour. You can’t engage with it because they believe their own lies. BIL has said things to our face that have zero basis in fact, everything they say though makes them look good, every time.

You need to start cutting contact unless you have to about the house move? Personally I would give him a new email address to use (say your phone is broken) and only communicate by that. Look at it once a day and skim. If it’s got nothing useful in it, delete it. Once sale has gone through, delete the email address. A phone is too immediate, you can then control the contact.

OP has the house been sold yet?

You need to block his text messages. You know he's unhinged.

Oh and there are lots of cases where people rewrite history to suit themselves.

@JH20000 Read back some of your posts to remind yourself of how he failed with his ex and how he defends and normalises his DCs appalling behaviour, then ask yourself whether this is really someone whose opinions you should be giving any weight to whatsoever? Think of him like a conspiracy theorist or flat-earther, him being insistent his viewpoint is true doesn't change actual reality.

It's early days and you're still adjusting to not having to defer to his opinion, hang in there it'll get better.

My ex is a bit like that too. I think rewriting narrative is a coping mechanism for them. It doesn't make it easy for you though. Hugs

@JH20000 rise above it if you can or it can mess with your head.

My DC father rewrote history like this, I was controlling and abusive (he was) and then said that he 'knew' I'd been cheating on him (absolutely not the case). Demanded a paternity test and he fucked with my head so much that I was a shell of a person and actually nervous about what the results would say.... I hadn't slept with anyone else in nearly 10 years but he just completely made me doubt everything I knew about myself.

Don't engage and just keep your eyes on the prize, which is getting him out of your life. You're doing great x

It does make you doubt OP, but remember he has made up alllll kinds of stories to date, such as you were the problem re the kids. He wants to get a rise out of you, hurt you and come out smelling of roses. As hard as it is try to ignore as you're just not going to win and likely wants a reaction. You know the truth, social services know the truth.

What I would do is go through your responses on this thread and make a list of all the factual things he has done to you and also as a parent. I bet you will top 50!

Every time he tries to twist things I would either read 10 of them to confirm he's messing with your mind. Personally I would send them to him.... you think that but during our relationship you did this, this and this clearly you are the abusive one.

He’s playing victim.

Once the fog lifts you’ll see him for who he really is.

It normal narcissistic behavioir.

People see through it. They won’t believe it.

TW:DV

I had an ex that told me that he has never hit a woman. He hit me, throw things at me and I've still got the scars to prove it. He once throw a mirror at me while I was naked in the bath. It smashed on the wall and broke. The glass cut my legs as it settled in the barh water. I had to drain the water before i could get out because i was scared it would keep cutting me if i moved. He smashed my phone so I could call an ambulance. He cried. He begged forgiveness and he steri striped snd bandaged my wounds. I stayed with him after. Anyhow, he tried to convince me that I made up his abuse in my own mind. I have no idea what story he sold others but I doubt very much that he told the truth. The truth would have made him look bad and he loved being considered charming, funny, charismatic. Woman beater wouldn't have fit well with the image he tried to show everyone.

It’s the usual bollocks. He doesn’t want to think of himself as the bad guy so he’s projecting that onto you by rewriting the narrative to suit him. He may even convince himself of his self proclaimed saint-life role.

Once you know someone does this, and you’re secure in yourself, it’s easy to see it for the bollocks it is. You’ll see it much more easily in people you meet going forward too, I always give those people a wide swerve.

This type of behaviour knocked me for six when I first realised because I didn’t see it coming so I doubted my own judgement. Don’t. If you’re wobbling, reread this thread as it will ground you. Ask a trusted friend (bin the ones that make excuses for his behaviour) or ask on here. You’ll soon start to trust yourself again.

This man has knocked you but it’s temporary and you’ll only get stronger as time goes by (should say it’s likely to be a rollercoaster for a time as you process everything so don’t beat yourself up, that’s totally normal).

If the house is sold now it is over. You don't need to speak to him again. You block him. If people mention him to you, you say you are glad to be away from that abusive man and don't need reminding of his abuse through them.

go to therapy. Stick with it. It will take some manor adjustments going from that level of drama and abuse to freedom.

@JH20000 just checking if things are ok with you.

Has the house sold or is it still ongoing?

He confirmed today he is back with his ex. I’m utterly heartbroken and I don’t know why

He has admitted to cheating on me towards the end of our relationship with her.