The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

I do think you must get the police involved if he tries to evict you. It's massively important that he does not succeed otherwise you will be in this situation every single time he has his children over.

Also his ulterior motive is to evict you permanently and keep the house.

He is an utter selfish, narcissistic, arrogant person. It's going to be a challenge tonight but face it with support of the police, your friends and your family. Don't be alone tonight when you go home.

Thinking about you x

If you have a solicitor I’d be phoning them now to discuss whether you could reach the standard to obtain an occupation order.

Will respond but currently awaiting a family member around for moral support. I’ve had to take emergency leave from work too to deal with this. Head is all over the place but going to contact the police.

Apparently his ex wife has said she’s going to call the police later tonight to have me removed?!? I know it’s a crock of shite but these are the people I’m dealing with here.

This thread has been insane from start to finish, I will update as soon as I can but I’m safe and I’m OK and soon a family member will be here (one who thankfully doesn’t take any sh*t which is what I need right now)

I’ll update in due course I promise. x

Smart move taking the leave. Instinct tell me it might all start once they finish school (assuming they have gone of course!)

On what grounds can the ex authorise or instruct you being removed from your own house by the police?! They are all as mental as each other

I’ve come to realise the entire family is absolutely dysfunctional, they belong together for all I care now.

As others have said:

1. I too admire your strength;
2. Good that the family member is coming around, still contact the police now;
3. Remember the previous threats re police and social services as with these are utter rubbish and if anything further exposed their own failings;
4. Do not leave I also suspect they'll

Try to stop you coming back. He has no intention of going at all.

Also we know the "ex" is thick as. She complained about you to social services knowing she is failing those kids. Let her cap the police, or once you've contacted them that you've saved her the bother.

Perhaps ask the police if they can do anything re this harassment from all of them.

@JH20000 stay safe. Tell your friend to not escalate. If ex kicks off call the police. Don't do anything that enables him to claim he's the victim.

She's a bully and thinks she can kick you out of your own house. What the fuck.

Well done for taking leave. I'm so sorry op but literally we are all routing for you !

Ugh sorry to hear it is escalating.

here is my top tip - have a notebook to hand and make notes as and when things happen - when specific people arrive, leave, call police etc. specific language people use eg “you’re a danger to my kids”.

if challenged you just calmly say “I’m making contemporaneous notes so I have a record of what happened when”. If he/she pushes just say “feel free to make your own” and don’t engage further. They will hate it, far harder to gaslight when you have a record.

You need to stop engaging with this man and apply for a non-mol/occupation order as a matter of absolute urgency.

Social services have just called me. The mum has been non stop calling the allocated SW to accuse me of this that and the other and they wanted to arrange a talk with me.

I’ve told the SW the truth about the situation and that I wish to be kept out of any further communications due to me leaving. Inside I am shaking like a leaf though.

Family member is here now thank god.

I’ve got a call with a solicitor tomorrow
morning, couldn’t get an appt today unfortunately.

Thank you for rooting for me. My mental health was poor beforehand but I’ve been having horrible thoughts about not being here anymore because of him, the accusations and the support is great from you all.

i am also booking a GP appointment regarding my MH too. Will call tomorrow.

Poor you. I’m glad someone else is there. If you can, I would get people round all the time, I imagine he might behave with a witness.
I would still ring the police and let them know what’s happening. Hopefully they might come round and explain to him that it’s also your house and he can’t remove your items and he is threatening you!

Well if she believes you are such a danger to her children they won’t be coming round tonight. If they do I would definitely be ringing SS and telling them that. Why is she willingly sending her children into an unsafe environment?

I hope the solicitor is helpful, this pathetic excuse needs removing.

Please log all this with the police too, they will put a flag on your house and will respond quickly if needed. They may also take both him and his ex to one side and have a chat with them. Sometimes it's enough to stop them trying to bully you.

They are making you scared to be in your own home which is enough for a log and a chat

So the ex wife has been on the phone to him every 5 f**king minutes asking when I’m leaving so she can drop the kids off.

My family member (my cousin actually who is lovely but won’t take any nonsense) has said I’m not leaving and that the quickest way out is to discuss calmly how to officially separate this house etc etc etc. he’s refusing to budge and has now walked out and is apparently taking the kids to his parents house. He has packed a bag for him and the kids and his car is gone so I don’t know what’s next.

Right now I’m focusing on the practical stuff, I haven’t processed what this has done to me as a person emotionally yet but I feel I can’t do that until it’s sorted.

Jesus. They are such a piece of work. I presume the social worker isn’t interested- it’s not up them whether you live in your own house and the simple solution from a safeguarding POV is that the children stay with their Mother, surely.

Glad you have some practical support now OP.

Well done for staying put. You did the right thing. He can't make you leave your own house.

Op I suggest you keep some proof you have rights to live there in yuri9 car.. If he locks you out at anytime you can get the police or a locksmith to gain access for you.

Well done op.

Currently you're in fight or flight mode - body pumping through hormones that will make you Uber sharp. Use it. It's a sad thing to say but take the time to recover when you're safe. And that means when you're away from this drama. And currently he's keeping it up so you eventually give up. Don't.

• it's clear from him stomping off that he thought you were gonna bend and he could get you out without selling the house.

• lawyers - you need legal advice so get one session booked in in RL

• it maybe also worth post on the legal forum in addition to the above (obviously it's the internet) but I have seen some legal heads come along and really help people.

• document work backwards from the most recent all the way back, note what was said, where the info is stored (I bet they come for your phone so back up to the cloud) and also gather witnesses to the events

• make a plan of safety - what do you need to do to get to safety.

-Think assets that are yours and you need to safe guard. Where can you store them.

• money and logistics- new life what have you got saved, where is your money tied up.

• list your people who will answer your call no matter what time of night, the people who will answer only at certain times and their strengths. Your network. You may not believe it right now but don't worry if you lost touch with people, good friends are good friends and probably hated the bastard so didn't want to tell you so your relationship with them cooled. Reach out. You may be surprised. Explain the abuse and use that word. Even having people to vent to is important.

• what have you told the police and what haven't you that you need to loop them in on.

• be proactive with social services and call them yourself. Believe me as much as your ex and the ex wife are using it to beat you, they really don't want to involve them. Even if they do nothing they have to document.

Keep talking keep reaching out believe it or not you can and will get through this.

This is good advice. I would gather the council tax bill, utility bill and get a copy of the land registry entry - available for £3

I would speak to Rights of Women tomorrow and get the ball rolling on an occupation order. You will need to report their abuse including malicious SS reports to the police.