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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:

AsterixAndPersimmon · 02/12/2023 09:31

We’ve started to receive fines for the fact two of his children don’t go to school.

Errr…no, no, no. HE started to receive fines. Not we. These children are nothing to you. As in you’re not responsible for them.

As you know my mental health was quite poor anyway but I feel this has broken me and that I might not recover from all this. I certainly can’t see the future out of this.

Please go and see you GP. No one would come out of all that being unscathed. But just now, you need support. I’m wondering if seeing a counsellor wouldn’t help too.

Have you contacted Women Aid too?

Thistooshallpsss · 02/12/2023 09:37

Uh I just wanted to say that there is hope even if you can’t feel or find it today. I have every confidence that you will emerge from this hideous situation and build a better life for yourself. Strangers on the internet are willing you on and standing guard over you like a cloud of guardian angels x

SeulementUneFois · 02/12/2023 11:00

Please please call the police and Women's aid today ASAP.
You can continue with all other plans but do this now.

Also seconding what someone else said, can you get someone else to stay with you in the house - friend, mum, brother whoever. Even if you have to sleep on the floor.
And remember that you have every right to have someone staying in the house that you part own - as much right to have someone staying in the house as your evil ex has to bring his kids.

unicornhair · 02/12/2023 15:48

I thought this would escalate when he realises this will all come to an end soon. If he gets you out he can drag his heels about moving out. 100% you need to get him out. You then need to call social services and be very clear that you have no relationship with the children and it’s all on them.
I hope women’s aid have been helpful.

Tirediam · 02/12/2023 21:10

Yes lists lists lists. EVERYTHING written down, what he’s accused you of, the drugs, the situation with his twat kids. All of it. Hope you’re ok xx

Original poster

JH20000 · 03/12/2023 11:26

Have spoken to police and WA. Have had helpful advice and contact numbers given to me. Thank you for all of your suggestions.

He is being arsey about leaving the house or wanting to move out of it. He refused to buy off me either so we’re stuck. I need to go back to a solicitor.

I have a feeling you were right and his ex is involved somewhat, when I said I was staying put until this was sorted he immediately said ‘but what will (insert her name) think?’ I now think he wants to stay there, with the kids and have her move in?! Just a hunch.

OP posts:

unicornhair · 03/12/2023 11:29

I hope you get some good advice to get him out of the house and get the sale through. Id spend the time today writing down everything so you are prepared.
I really hope you get somewhere with this soon.

Original poster

JH20000 · 03/12/2023 11:35

He’s been absolutely talking BS as his story keeps changing constantly - one minute it’s the ex that wants me to leave else the kids aren’t coming back, then the next minute he’s denying he even said that. Absolutely messing with my head but I am starting to wonder whether they are planning all of this to try and get me out. I feel an utter fool and angry I’ve got myself in this situation.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/12/2023 11:37

Just stick to fits with him.

You buying me out will you cost £x and take a matter of weeks.

If we drag it through court it will take years and costs alone will start at £y plus double house sale legal fees and estate agent fees.

I'm not moving out until it's I have my share of the money.

UWOT1 · 03/12/2023 13:26

Ge wants you to move out and pay rent elsewhere while he lives in a home that you are responsible for a mortgage on.

His option is to either buy you out or sell the property. You need to see the solicitor again. Also, if he is aggressive, if he threatens you, if he's abusive, you need to call the police every time.

Everything that is happening he is choosing. If ex won't allow him to have the kids it's his choice. If the toxicity in the house is causing the children to behave badly again he is choosing it. You aren't responsible for his choices. He can end things quickly but he is choosing to drag things out. I think he likes the drama.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 03/12/2023 13:32

Tbh what he thinks or wants and what the ex is hoping doesn’t matter a jot to you.
ignore his comments and stories (apart from anything that sounds remotely threatening and needs to be dealt with). Don’t try and understand the whys. I imagine it will all come out once you’ve moved out. Trying to make sense to it or trying to find any logic behind it will only mess up with your mind.

In the mean time, yes involve a solicitor. Yes it’s expensive. But that’s the only way you’ll be able to move the needle.

What did the Police say about the threats?

UWOT1 · 03/12/2023 13:33

@JH20000 it might be a good idea to keep a dictaphone on you while in the house.

ETA or a body camera type device seen as he's hit you before.

Original poster

JH20000 · 03/12/2023 14:40

Thanks all, appreciate the responses. The police did offer to help me if needed if he did throw me out, or if I wanted to collect belongings and didn’t feel safe.

I am trying to keep my emotions out of communication with him, it’s hard though because I am full of emotion right now.

I have just been informed that one of his kids is coming back for the afternoon and I have been told to vacate the property or go to the bedroom so that he doesn’t see me. I mean what the actual…. 😂 luckily enough I already had plans for this afternoon which were away from the house.

I did ask what he was planning to do when the kids come back for their week here and I got a shrug. I told him to take them away if he doesn’t want them near me.

OP posts:

SnowWhitesSM · 03/12/2023 14:45

I'd be so tempted to cancel my plans and sit on the sofa eating posh chocolate and watch Christmas films. Fuck getting out the way. However, that would totally inflame the situation!

Original poster

JH20000 · 03/12/2023 14:52

SnowWhitesSM · 03/12/2023 14:45

I'd be so tempted to cancel my plans and sit on the sofa eating posh chocolate and watch Christmas films. Fuck getting out the way. However, that would totally inflame the situation!

I won’t lie I was very tempted. Problem is it would inflame the situation and truth be told I don’t really want to be near his children. Half the time they are stoned or have some sort of ‘hangover’ because of it. It’s one of the reasons why I became so fed up.

i wouldn’t mind a nice box of chocolates though 😂

OP posts:

UWOT1 · 03/12/2023 14:53

I wouldn't vacate the property or make yourself scarce ever. It's your home at the end of the day. He isn't the boss of your home.

poppitypop1 · 03/12/2023 15:13

JH20000 · 03/12/2023 11:35

I'd bet money on them planning this with the ex. He has zero intention of moving. He wants you out and he is planning on staying / moving her in. Do not leave. Are you able to get advice re whether you could get him out for his abusive behaviour?

Original poster

JH20000 · 03/12/2023 15:14

Seeing as this thread has turned into a diary for me one thing I’m clinging onto is seeing my niece and nephew again properly. Myself and my sister came to a decision that it was best they didn’t come around because of the unknown drugs lying around that I’ve found, and because I didn’t want my family (and especially young toddlers) around that. It’ll be so nice to be able to invite them around again and I honestly can’t wait until I’m in my own new space and they can visit. It’s keeping me holding on right now.

OP posts:

LunaMay · 03/12/2023 15:46

Find your anger and your petty. Push back at the both of them.

UWOT1 · 03/12/2023 19:58

@JH20000 Keep you chin up. Keep going. This time next year, you'll be living a whole different life. You have got this. Whatever shit ex pulls your new start will happen, whether he likes it or not.

HarrietStyles · 04/12/2023 11:37

He doesn’t want to sell the house and split the assets, he wants to continue living there but not pay you out………. So what is his actual solution? He can’t honestly think that you’ll just walk away and give him the house that you own half of?! He’s completely deluded. You need to keep telling him that you either have to sell the house or he needs to buy you out. There is no third option. Definitely go back to a solicitor and force his hand.

Reugny · 04/12/2023 12:09

Problem is it would inflame the situation and truth be told I don’t really want to be near his children

Do you have a brother, male friend or acquaintance who can stay there with you?

This person needs to be firm and should not easily doesn't rise to provocation.

(The friend or acquaintance should be introduced as your cousin regardless of what they look like. I have loads of cousins and most are not first and second cousins. )

Original poster

JH20000 · 04/12/2023 12:12

So the mum has confirmed she won’t let the kids return to his care until I’m gone. She’s apparently called up social services again to reiterate that to them. This is all from him though so I don’t know what’s true as he has form for dramatising stuff to worry me. I have asked him to leave me out and from now on I don’t wish to know what’s happening with his children, that’s their job. I have also said that if he got his ass in gear and just helped out with parting the house then I’d be gone sooner.

Both parents are already under investigation for concerns of neglect, kids not going to school, drug taking, the list literally goes on and on. It’s hideous. In fact as one friend told me, I’m the reason his kids had clean clothes and food in their stomachs before this all kicked off!

@HarrietStyles the thing is he hasn’t thought this through. I honestly think he thought I’d just grab a bag and wave goodbye, leaving him access to the house and belongings. He’s not one for thinking through a plan, he mainly acts on impulse. He has openly admitted he has no plan and that he thought I’d move out soon.

OP posts:

Reugny · 04/12/2023 12:19

So the mum has confirmed she won’t let the kids return to his care until I’m gone.

Then as you won't be gone until he buys you out of the house or the house is sold, then you luckily won't see those "lovely" children again.

unicornhair · 04/12/2023 12:35

Do you know when the sale is due to go through?

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