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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
JH20000 · 29/11/2023 07:57

It’s become apparent that I have been used as someone to point the blame at instead of them recognising their parenting is doing no good to those children. It’s destroyed my mental health and I am going back to my counsellor for more sessions to start working through my thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
JH20000 · 29/11/2023 08:04

Being accused of being the reason why their son doesn’t go to school, and being accused of being the reason their son decided to try and break into a property has really hurt me. I’ve had absolutely no influence on him, in fact I have always found it difficult to have a relationship with him when his behaviour has honestly been awful.

I think it’s really hit me how much I’ve been used as someone to point the blame at. I didn’t realise how much it would really affect me.

Sorry, just needed to get it written down.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/11/2023 08:36

Yes you have been used.

Completely used for your money, childcare, to blame for everything wrong in all their lives.

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Have you done the Freedom Programme and read Lindy's book "Why does he do that"?

You are nearly out of their toxic frame triangle. Oh to be a fly on the wall to see how they manage going forward. They will carry on blaming you, accept that, accept they are totally dysfunctional and toxic.

It is horrible to be blamed, but it's not true. Hold on to the truth.

HarrietStyles · 29/11/2023 09:11

I wonder who they will try to blame after you are long gone and are NC with them all?! I doubt they will ever have the self reflection to realise that only they are to blame for their children’s shitty behaviour. Oh well, it soon will be a distant memory for you……. Onwards and upwards for you.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 29/11/2023 09:46

No reason to be sorry, it is a nasty thing to accuse you of and you have every right to talk about how you're feeling. It hurts when someone you once trusted so much does awful things to you. It harns and it can make you doubt and second guess yourself.

You're really just convenient in these situations though, they're latching onto you because of your proximity to the children's lives. It's much easier for them to blame the step mum instead of actually parenting their children, let alone taking an honest look at themselves. The child is simply echoing his mum's views.

Think about it though, if they were good parents and they truly believed that you were this awful influence on their children then why hasn't your ex left the house with his kids to get them away from you? Why does the his ex let them come round? Why have they previously used you for child care if you're having this impact on their DC? There is no scenario here in which they look like anything but bad parents. You know and your family and friends know the truth, that's what matters. They and their families may continue to blame you, they're obviously all cut from the same faulty cloth. They don't matter. It hurts yes, it harms, but one day you'll be away from this and recovering and you'll realise they don't matter and they'll still be stuck in this situation and you won't be.

Original poster
JH20000 · 29/11/2023 10:12

This is so, so true. If I honestly was as bad as they say then why would he want me to look after them (in the past), why would he be OK with me being around them? Why does the mum let them come around (it’s 50/50). I know I’m repeating you but it’s so true.

OP posts:
Tirediam · 29/11/2023 12:46

God who will they blame when you’ve sold and moved? They may blame you for a few weeks still but then who.
Shitty parents creating shitty kids. I cannot wait for you to message and say when it’s all done OP

UWOT1 · 29/11/2023 13:04

@JH20000 They blame you because it's easier to blame you than to take responsibility for their kid or their shit parenting.

As a parent if I felt someone was negatively impacting on my child i wouldn't allow them to have contact with that person. I certainly wouldn't be allowing them to look after my kids. If ex was unhappy with you being around his kids he could have moved out with them or arranged for them to stay at their mums. He could have also made the whole process easier and less acrimonious.

You are not to blame. Although, I imagine they will blame you well into adulthood.

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/12/2023 12:25

I’ve been told that mum wants full custody of all the kids because of me.

I got a threatening text message (not threatening as in wanting to cause harm) from him saying that I’ve now caused trouble between him and his precious ex over access.

What have I done you may ask? Absolutely nothing.

time to start blocking him I think

OP posts:
Original poster
JH20000 · 01/12/2023 12:45

I am struggling hugely mentally today. I know what he says etc etc isn’t true but it’s really affecting my mental health now, even if it’s just words now. Being accused of everything is just exhausting.

OP posts:
Tirediam · 01/12/2023 12:57

Do you have a timescale on selling that you can focus on?
Block, ignore.. anything that makes you feel a bit better

AsterixAndPersimmon · 01/12/2023 13:02

Yep
Blocking him is a good start.
And spending as little time as possible in the house.

im also wondering if you have an inkling as to why he is making your life as hard as possible now. Ok so you’re not playing the role he wanted you to play. But does it help him in any way of you end up moving out before the house is sold for the example? Or are you just an easy scapegoat?

RandomMess · 01/12/2023 13:47

Nah the ex just wants more maintenance!!

Yes absolutely block block block.

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/12/2023 14:07

I received a massive dramatic text that if she gets the kids full time then he’ll have no money and he’ll have to move to his mothers. I have been told by him that I’m a massive risk to the access to his children (his words)

The dramatic nonsense this idiotic man writes, almost laughable!

Im still waiting on what I’ve done for this latest outburst of his…

OP posts:
Thistooshallpsss · 01/12/2023 14:26

I’m so sorry you are going through this hell JH I can’t offer any advice but wanted to reassure you that this chaos is not down to you in any way. I’m sure you know this but thought hearing it from someone else might help x

Stomacharmeleon · 01/12/2023 15:30

I have just read the whole thread and I think you are amazing. Onwards and upwards!

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/12/2023 15:52

So he’s just got home and said that the kid’s mum is refusing to let the kids come back to his next week unless I’ve moved out.

he’s now told me I have until Wednesday to get out else he’ll forcefully remove my things and me. He said his ex has made the decision and that’s it.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 01/12/2023 16:16

Call Women's aid and the police.
Asap.

SeulementUneFois · 01/12/2023 16:18

You should be able to get a non molestation order, so that he's the one removed from the house as he's threatening you with physical harm.
Try to get a solicitor first thing Monday, but call the police now that will definitely help. They may be able to get him out now.

SeulementUneFois · 01/12/2023 16:19

I think that this was his / their plan always. To get you out of your house, then delay the sale indefinitely.

Please please call the police, you have nothing to lose anymore.

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/12/2023 16:28

I can’t cope anymore mentally. This is just horrible and one thing after another

OP posts:
RedRosette2023 · 01/12/2023 16:29

SeulementUneFois · 01/12/2023 16:18

You should be able to get a non molestation order, so that he's the one removed from the house as he's threatening you with physical harm.
Try to get a solicitor first thing Monday, but call the police now that will definitely help. They may be able to get him out now.

I’ve mentioned this before - OP please seek advice from women’s aid or similar.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 01/12/2023 16:41

JH20000 · 01/12/2023 16:28

I can’t cope anymore mentally. This is just horrible and one thing after another

I agree with PP @JH20000
You need to get some legal advice pronto.
Call Women Aid and get a good lawyer involved.

Thats Why i was asking what you thought the aim of harassing you constantly is.
And you need to protect yourself.

Seriously, they are both, your ‘DP’ and his ex harassing you and abusing you. It’s no wonder you feel you can’t cope anymore. That’s the aim.
And once you’ve left, what will happen if the house isn’t sold?

Please you need to get some professional support in RL

UWOT1 · 01/12/2023 16:58

@JH20000 where are you at with the house sale?

Stomacharmeleon · 01/12/2023 17:01

@SeulementUneFois that happened with a friend of mine and the police where supportive. Please seek advice.

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