The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

Thank you for the updates, OP!

I wish you all the best.

There are lots of lovely men out there, so don’t give up. At least now you will have a better bullshit filter and hopefully can see the red flags early on. Once you get out of there just concentrate on building your self esteem back up, prioritise looking after yourself, spend time with friends, do lots of fun and relaxing things in your free time. Your new life is going to be amazing without those awful people dragging you down ❤️

Ex DP has been throwing the accusations at me today through WhatsApp. Apparently me being in the house is affecting his kids and that’s the reason why they’re so badly behaved..

He has basically accused me of being the reason why his children are utterly uncontrollable.

Have you had some legal advice/talked to Womens aid. Personally I think you should be looking at ways to have him removed from the house.
His behaviour is not going to improve and probably worsen the closer it gets to the house sale.

So tell him to take the kids and go. Even if that were the truth (which it’s obviously not) he’s their father, why is he leaving them in that situation? The house is sold, he can move on.

Does he really have so little self awareness? I suspect he's lashing out and angry because his kicking post isn't doing as she's told anymore.
Imagine your life when he's gone, now imagine his. You've borne the brunt of every shit parenting choice those two dicks have made, not only that you've paid for the privilege, emotionally, physically and financially. Those children have been badly let down, but not by you. Who are they going to blame now? Get away, far away and stay gone.

I would kindly point out to him that he and his ex are alone responsible for the behaviour of their children.

They are a reflection of him and what a fucking ugly sight to see.

I'm sure when you go they will still be as badly behaved and then who will he blame.

Run run run op

Love this @namechangnancy

“They are a reflection of him and what a fucking ugly sight to see”

perfect

I would just ignore him. He's a dickhead.

Ultimately, if he is concerned about you and your impact on his children he should move out. It's his responsibility to safeguard his kids.

What is his excuse for their behaviour before your relationship and what will it be after? Maybe they are badly behaved because thier parents fail to take any responsibility.

Anyhow, this separation seems to be taking FOREVER.

Yes I know it’s taking forever, I suppose I have been using this thread as a way to get my emotions out. No one wants this to end more than me 😅

OP
If you're in the spare room etc lock it.
I would do the laxatives first though.

Reply to him on WhatsApp that he's a shit father and that's why his kids are so unpleasant.
Don't hold back. He isn't, why should you.

Don’t buckle - he is trying to manipulate you into moving out. Whenever he starts saying shit like that just calmly state back “If you are unhappy about your living arrangements then nothing is stopping you and your children from moving out. I shall be staying here until the house is sold, what you do is totally up to you.”

My DH has said the same to me before. When I asked why his child was also having difficulties in every other setting - ie where I wasn’t he just didn’t know what to say!

ex DP’s mum stuck her nose in and I could hear her on the phone to ex DP. She has said that I’m obviously a hot head, her son wouldn’t ever hit a woman and I knew what I was getting into. She also said that I must have hit him first because he would never hit me. She spent the entire phone call blaming me and saying it was my fault I have been treated badly by him.

It’s broke me I must admit. I feel awful mentally tonight and now that’s just broke me.

I also heard ex DP laugh and say he hated me.

Bless you, I haven't read the whole thread just your posts but I really hope for you this house gets sold and you will be able to leave and rebuild your life.

Not all men are like this, but that you have spent so much time in slavery to one means you really need to get professional help to ensure you can recover from this.

You were always their scapegoat, they are weak pathetic bullies who cannot bear to self reflect and take on the responsibility that their shit show parenting has caused.

I'm sorry OP this sounds awful. How soon can you go your separate ways?

@JH20000 Fuck them and their opinions. His mum was always going to take his side. His mum was always going to believe him. I know it's hard and I know it's hurtful but people get in thier corners when a separation occurs.

Surround yourself with people who love you. Make sure you are going to therapy because this is all very traumatic. Call the police if he is aggressive with you. Honestly, I'd be inclined to record on my phone everything I left the safety of my room. It will be over soon.

Have you found somewhere to go now?

This is an awful situation to be in, the time will come when you’ve gone and the kids are still being unruly - still on drugs, taken away from their mother and left with their pathetic father.

You don’t want to be around when that happens.

Focus on your new quiet civilized home - your things being where you left them, not worried about violence or what you might be going home to.

I hope this goes quickly for you and you have have a peaceful Christmas.

I really hope you can complete the sale of the house soon. You need your fresh start without all this rubbish going on.

How much longer is it expected to take?

In the meantime I'd just limit contact and discussion to the absolute minimum. Be out of the house as much as you can.

Abuse is often a cycle.

Regardless of gender, frankly for him to think him being violent is ok, he must mean it saw it somewhere and it was normalised as a child. By his mothers response is that extremely telling in that regard.

And you can see that in his children's behaviours actually. Which is rather sad.

Just because someone screams and shouts that them hitting you is your fault, it's fault within them that they did that. This wasn't a one off, his behaviour is abusive and of course his mother can't see that his behaviour was wrong.

She probably normalised it for him in childhood like she's doing in adulthood.

He is in control of him. Full stop end of circle.

You can escape this, this will end. Your nearly there. Don't give up xxx

Sending you a handhold @JH20000 🌹

Please don't let their comments break you OP. His mum has shown her colours and clearly the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree where her son is concerned. Some women idolise their perfect sons to a fault. A decent woman would have set him straight, not encouraged him. Her opinion isn't worth giving any weight to.

As for him, well. He has shown his true face.

Hope you're out of there soon.

Ex DP has obviously been chatting sh*t with colleagues today as he’s come home all smug and with comments such as ‘I could throw you out of this house if I liked’ or ‘if you cause me grief I can call the police and ask for you to be removed’. It’s all to scare me I know.

I wish I never met him