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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
Bored1000 · 05/10/2023 09:33

@IWantOutDoI

she Dosen’t keep going back to him, they have separated but live in her house until they finalise everything.
Why should she leaver her own house, he needs to leave

namechangnancy · 05/10/2023 16:21

@IWantOutDoI I mean it does matter who's abusive and it also does matter if she leaves the house as she loses rights she legally has.

I'm not sure if you end up with a partner like ops and the damage it does to your self esteem. Then making your self openly homeless and losing legal rights a good idea.

I also don't think kicking anyone who's experienced this type of behaviour by subtly shaming her is also fair.

IWantOutDoI · 05/10/2023 17:19

Bored1000 · 05/10/2023 09:33

@IWantOutDoI

she Dosen’t keep going back to him, they have separated but live in her house until they finalise everything.
Why should she leaver her own house, he needs to leave

To save herself. As simple as that, do you think she will be able to get out of this as soon as they stop having contact? She will need a lot of counselling to put this behind her, the longer she stays there, the more damaged she gets and the more she will struggle to rebuild her life.

Mental health and safety are more important than staying in the same house.

By the way OP, if the house is mortgaged, talk to an independent mortgage advisor to see the likelihood of you being allowed to take the mortgage forward on your own (this is not about being able to afford the current monthly payments but as being the sole person in the mortgage under the current cost of living circumstances which may result in affordability checks failed or a higher interest rate) as otherwise it is absolutely pointless to stay in the house.

IWantOutDoI · 05/10/2023 17:28

namechangnancy · 05/10/2023 16:21

@IWantOutDoI I mean it does matter who's abusive and it also does matter if she leaves the house as she loses rights she legally has.

I'm not sure if you end up with a partner like ops and the damage it does to your self esteem. Then making your self openly homeless and losing legal rights a good idea.

I also don't think kicking anyone who's experienced this type of behaviour by subtly shaming her is also fair.

Most people who get to stay in the former family home by staying didn’t get that privilege because they were right or were the victim, that is not how assets are separated. They get the opportunity to “keep the house through buying the other one out or just because they have the children living with them for most of the time. These children are not hers and she is not keeping them with her.

She is not married and the kids are not hers so, if she is in the deeds/mortgage of the house she has the same rights whether she is in or out. The only positive thing to stay put through this mess is to ensure the house is clean when prospective buyers come to see it, BUT..

She still needs to decide what is worth the most, if her mental health and keeping herself safe in a situation where violence is escalating OR getting the best price for the house but come out of it so hurt and damaged she will struggle to trust people and therefore to develop healthy and positive relationships/friendships in her new life on her own.

IWantOutDoI · 05/10/2023 17:38

Ps. I am not shaming her.

Op, the mantra that got me through and out of an abusive relationship was “ Don’t be a victim, it disempowers you” so take good care of yourself, the onus, ultimately is on you, you are the only person who can get you out of this mess.

Namerequired · 05/10/2023 18:49

Why have you not got him removed from the house. He physically assaulted you. Is the house on the market? You need out asap or preferably him out.

Original poster
JH20000 · 18/10/2023 23:29

Well a little update, an offer has been placed on the house which is very good! Plans now in motion.

I also found out that the children’s mum has been reported to social services by the school for welfare concerns and concerns regarding neglect. They are also apparently speaking to ex-DP and will be visiting this week. I’ve been told, by ex-DP, that I am not involved this time.

It’s really sad for the kids to be honest - I do feel sad how it’s all turned out but I need out and can finally see a glimpse of the future.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 18/10/2023 23:47

Fingers crossed for you OP!

And definitely don't let yourself be dragged into any of their machinations. You're not there to serve any of them.

Bored1000 · 18/10/2023 23:48

That’s great news Op, get away from the situation and out of their lives as soon as you can.
It is a sad mess that they have got themselves into but they need to sort it out.
Out of interest what drew you to this man and what qualities did he have that made you fall for him?

Namerequired · 19/10/2023 08:50

Oh goodness I don’t see how you’ve lasted another 2months of this. I hope the sale goes through quickly. If he’s so concerned for his kids why didn’t he move out?

Justanotherposter1 · 23/10/2023 20:47

How are things OP?

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/11/2023 17:12

One of his kids last night ate an expensive box of chocolates I was gifted by my work.
They were hidden away but the kid must have found them.

I’ve actually been quite upset over it, even got a bit teary about it and guess what, the kid hasn’t even been told off. In fact ex DP said ‘he’s only 15, it’s not his fault’. When I questioned that further I was threatened with having my work laptop smashed in..

OP posts:
Original poster
JH20000 · 01/11/2023 17:13

I’m ok I guess in general, just feeling so angry at myself for letting it get this far to be honest. Things are moving at a snail pace with the house buying situation so it’s just been feeling pretty rubbish this week. Can’t wait for this to be over.

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 01/11/2023 17:15

Aren't you tempted to piss in their shampoo op?. Small wins to get you through....

RandomMess · 01/11/2023 17:41

Do you have your own car?

I suggest anything precious to you lives in the boot and the spare key is kept by a friend.

namechangnancy · 01/11/2023 17:43

JH20000 · 01/11/2023 17:12

One of his kids last night ate an expensive box of chocolates I was gifted by my work.
They were hidden away but the kid must have found them.

I’ve actually been quite upset over it, even got a bit teary about it and guess what, the kid hasn’t even been told off. In fact ex DP said ‘he’s only 15, it’s not his fault’. When I questioned that further I was threatened with having my work laptop smashed in..

Well op if it was your dp though threatened to break your laptop you can see where the kids get it from.

And if it was DSc who threatened that and dad said ahh he's only 15. My responses would be your right it's your job as a parent to make sure your teen isn't a absolute bellend. Because you aren't 15 so what's your excuse !

Thinking of you xx

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/11/2023 17:55

I don’t trust his kids so have given a family member some of my jewellery etc for safe keeping as I do not trust his children not to steal it. Sounds awful saying that but unfortunately that’s the truth.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 01/11/2023 18:05

JH20000 · 01/11/2023 17:12

One of his kids last night ate an expensive box of chocolates I was gifted by my work.
They were hidden away but the kid must have found them.

I’ve actually been quite upset over it, even got a bit teary about it and guess what, the kid hasn’t even been told off. In fact ex DP said ‘he’s only 15, it’s not his fault’. When I questioned that further I was threatened with having my work laptop smashed in..

How is a 15yr old searching, finding and eating sweets that don’t belong to him not his fault? Madness. But then with a father who threatens to smash your laptop then it’s not surprising.
How much longer? Are you managing to keep your lives separate?

unicornhair · 01/11/2023 18:07

I hope the house sale goes through soon. Do you know where you will go?
Is your ex prepared to move as well?

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/11/2023 18:14

Ex is making the necessary arrangements etc for moving but he’s making out he’s the victim in all this. He’s playing the woe is me card very well to be honest to anyone who will listen! Weirdly we’ve been quite civil the past few days and then suddenly bam he explodes at me over this incident so it does feel back to square one.

Honestly if it was a box of cadburys I wouldn’t care too much as I know I’d be out of this situation soon, but the fact it was a fancy (and expensive) box of chocolates given to me from work set me off emotionally when I realised they’d all been eaten. Also the fact his father doesn’t seem to think his kids can do no wrong too…

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 01/11/2023 18:18

Leave some laxative chocolates on the side

Remove any financial documents and anything that's either valuable or sentimental, leave it with a friend

namechangnancy · 01/11/2023 18:25

wildwestpioneer · 01/11/2023 18:18

Leave some laxative chocolates on the side

Remove any financial documents and anything that's either valuable or sentimental, leave it with a friend

Possibly my favourite comment and one I would seriously consider doing tbh

HarrietStyles · 01/11/2023 18:28

What twats, him and his Dad! Do you currently have your own bedroom that you can put a lock on? Keep absolutely everything in there that you don’t want them to get their hands on. I’ve been following your post from the beginning and keep checking for any updates on you, I do hope that you can get out of there really soon 💐 Just keep concentrating on the bright and free future you will have soon x

unicornhair · 01/11/2023 18:50

I’d be getting a box and filling it with anything precious or important and getting it out of that house if you can. Including all your paperwork.
The sooner you are out of there the better.

Original poster
JH20000 · 01/11/2023 18:52

Thank you for all your lovely comments.

Someone asked upthread what attracted me to him at the beginning, well he was a completely different person (as they always are). He was actually very kind and considerate but it was only when we moved in together did I see him change. Honestly at the beginning I would never in a million years imagine him hurting me physically.

it’s made me very very wary of men in the future to be honest. I know not all men are like it obviously but my guard is well and truly up for any future relationships.

OP posts: