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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/08/2023 08:47

Be careful op, your dh has lost face and it didn't go as he planned it to. He firmly expected Ss to plant the blame firmly at your feet and come away looking victorious so he could tell his ex 'it's all your fault, even ss agree with them'

I'd strongly suggest you get yourself a bolt hole and look to move out. It may be quiet now but he needed to blame you for this and it hasn't worked .

ConnieTucker · 06/08/2023 09:25

I’m convenient enough for when he needs childcare, someone to wash his kid’s clothes (they return from their mums house dirty and with bags of dirty unwashed clothes - I’m the one who actually does all the laundry for them), cooks, cleans after them, I’ve even helped to finance their school uniform when his ex wife refused.

stop all of that immediately. Youre busy with work. He needs to do all of that. And if he doesnt, just feed and clothe yourself.

step back. Far back.

Original poster
JH20000 · 10/08/2023 13:24

By way of update social services have sent official confirmation that they have closed the case and that there was nothing of concern to them regarding myself around the children.

The children’s mum has started spinning lies about me to the kids now however it’s been shut down and for once DP stood up for me and has had a discussion with them about it.

I am leaving the relationship however and have spoken to a solicitor.

OP posts:
NurseP · 10/08/2023 13:43

I knew ss would have no concerns about you, although I know it's hard not to worry when you've been fed a load of lies.
I'm glad you are leaving and hope you can have some much deserved peace and happiness without being caught up in the mess your partner and his ex have created.

INeedAnotherName · 10/08/2023 15:30

I am leaving the relationship however and have spoken to a solicitor.

Well done OP, hopefully your health will improve dramatically once there's a For Sale board up outside Flowers

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 10/08/2023 17:24

Op bet your consumption of medication drops drastically now op. Your mh will rise and the black clouds will start to lift... Honestly give it a couple of weeks to adjust and start living life for you.

Bored1000 · 10/08/2023 22:41

Glad it worked out with SS and also that you have made a decision to leave, your life can only improve being away from the his toxic family, please be more careful with whom you get into a relationship with in the future and also learn to stand up for yourself, these people attempted to walk all over you…..you must be giving off ‘Soft Touch’ signals for them to attempt what they did

namechangenacy · 10/08/2023 23:03

I work with dv victims and one of my favourite councillors says "sometimes it takes time when you leave to realise that you weren't depressed or mentally unwell, you were in a abusive relationship and all the tablets in the world wouldn't have cured that bar leaving the asshole"

She's old and posh so gets away with some colourful language but probably one of the best one of the team by miles.

I read everyone of your updates op. Your not going insane op, your just living with a narc.

You are worth so much more. Just some situations and people cannot be saved. Even if you could.

BlossomCloud · 10/08/2023 23:23

namechangenacy · 10/08/2023 23:03

I work with dv victims and one of my favourite councillors says "sometimes it takes time when you leave to realise that you weren't depressed or mentally unwell, you were in a abusive relationship and all the tablets in the world wouldn't have cured that bar leaving the asshole"

She's old and posh so gets away with some colourful language but probably one of the best one of the team by miles.

I read everyone of your updates op. Your not going insane op, your just living with a narc.

You are worth so much more. Just some situations and people cannot be saved. Even if you could.

My amazing psychologist told me " you don't have a mental health problem, you have an [xh name] problem".
Those words have stayed with me ever since. The only time I get mental health wobbles is when he is going through a phase of being particularly nasty

namechangenacy · 11/08/2023 17:01

@BlossomCloud she sounds like a wise women.

I hope you managed to get out from under that although and trust me when I say - I know it's never that easy or simple so no judgment either way.

Sometimes knowing you aren't going mad and he really is a bastard is enough.

BlossomCloud · 11/08/2023 17:25

namechangenacy · 11/08/2023 17:01

@BlossomCloud she sounds like a wise women.

I hope you managed to get out from under that although and trust me when I say - I know it's never that easy or simple so no judgment either way.

Sometimes knowing you aren't going mad and he really is a bastard is enough.

I got out, and am much better for it, but of course he charmed cafcass so I can't avoid all contact and I now just do my best to protect my children from his worst behaviours

namechangenacy · 11/08/2023 22:14

@BlossomCloud not that you need a stranger to tell you this but you survived a hideous thing. Well done for getting out.

Honestly cafass are the biggest pain in my side sometimes so that doesn't surprise me. It's such dammed pot luck and their training isn't enough to deal with some of the behaviours in front of them

You did the right thing and your children will have a positive role model in their lives in the shape of their mum. Xxx

On side note op, I hope your ok ? Pls come back to update us when you can. No judgement just a massive amount of support from people who have been in your shoes and got away.

It's not you, it's your dp. Remember that xxx

Original poster
JH20000 · 17/08/2023 11:50

Thanks, I’m still here and DP has agreed to sell the house and go our separate ways. I’m still living here I have noticed he has accepted this and we’re being civil so things have calmed down somewhat.

The children’s mum has decided I’m no longer a danger now that it’s the school holidays and she needs childcare. I’ve been asked twice this week already by her (via soon to be ex DP) if I would mind the youngest whilst she goes off to work and he is in the office. I have said no both times. I knew this would happen and was prepared, but I work full time too so not sure why it should fall on me!!

anyway that’s their problem now right?? :)

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 17/08/2023 12:01

Absolutely their problem now, I'd say this even without all the issues you've had, but most definitely not your problem now. They can look after their own children from now onwards

Newestname002 · 17/08/2023 12:14

JH20000 · 17/08/2023 11:50

Thanks, I’m still here and DP has agreed to sell the house and go our separate ways. I’m still living here I have noticed he has accepted this and we’re being civil so things have calmed down somewhat.

The children’s mum has decided I’m no longer a danger now that it’s the school holidays and she needs childcare. I’ve been asked twice this week already by her (via soon to be ex DP) if I would mind the youngest whilst she goes off to work and he is in the office. I have said no both times. I knew this would happen and was prepared, but I work full time too so not sure why it should fall on me!!

anyway that’s their problem now right?? :)

Cheeky beggars - I'm glad you gave a resounding No - there should be no room for misunderstandings here. Hope your house sale goes well and swiftly and you are out of this madness. Let them sort their own childcare and attitudes themselves. 🌹

Pasithean · 17/08/2023 12:21

My DH was left by his first wife. Two kids hid two kids not his all left with him. We had endless trouble like you describe
been together now 32 years. It will not get better til kids leave home and ex w has no reason to contact your DH.

we made it through. Glad we stuck it out.

INeedAnotherName · 17/08/2023 14:38

I’ve been asked twice this week already by her (via soon to be ex DP) if I would mind the youngest whilst she goes off to work and he is in the office. I have said no both times.

Well done you!!! I've been thinking about you and hoping you were doing okay, If you've been strong enough to say no I would say you are. Flowers

unicornhair · 17/08/2023 17:49

Well done. I hope the house sale goes smoothly and quickly for you.

Reugny · 17/08/2023 17:54

The children’s mum has decided I’m no longer a danger now that it’s the school holidays and she needs childcare.

😂 Both CFs.

Good luck with the house sale.

Original poster
JH20000 · 23/08/2023 20:37

I am so glad I’m leaving this man. I didn’t realise how cold he could be until I fainted this afternoon in front of him and he didn’t even check to see if I was okay. He just stood there looking at me.

Awful. I’ve been checked out and it’s been put down to the hot weather and dehydration.

His eldest two have been constantly going AWOL and he asked me to help look for them two nights on the trot earlier this week. I had a feeling they had been out taking drugs etc as they tend to go AWOL when they do. I should have said no but he seemed desperate and was on the verge of calling the police. We tracked them down at the other end of the city but it was 3am before I had even got to bed on both nights.

I have finally seen the light and realised how unattractive and offputting this man really is.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 23/08/2023 21:50

So he asks for your help with his children multiple times, to the point you get hardly any sleep, but won't even help you when you faint?

Stop helping from now on. It was probably stress, dehydration AND lack of sleep that tipped you over. Start looking after yourself as nobody else will. You deserve better than this Flowers

Newestname002 · 23/08/2023 22:19

INeedAnotherName · 23/08/2023 21:50

So he asks for your help with his children multiple times, to the point you get hardly any sleep, but won't even help you when you faint?

Stop helping from now on. It was probably stress, dehydration AND lack of sleep that tipped you over. Start looking after yourself as nobody else will. You deserve better than this Flowers

Agree with this. What sort of person treats another person like this?

You know what to do when he next asks for your help. Hope you're feeling better now and that there's light at the end of the tunnel. 🌹

Original poster
JH20000 · 23/08/2023 22:54

I’ve run myself absolutely ragged for this man and I’ve had so little back. It’s only recently I’ve noticed this and it really hurts.

he’s accused me of faking the faint for attention… that says it all really.

Having an early night so thank you everyone :)

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 23/08/2023 23:21

@JH20000

he’s accused me of faking the faint for attention… that says it all really.

If you REALLY, at this stage, wanted confirmation that it's time to move on... 🌹

KateADM · 24/08/2023 13:37

I'm extremely late to this but just wanted to say you are doing the right thing and your life is going to do a wonderful 180 after you get away from this situation. Well done for making the decision.