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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Amonthinthecountry · 19/07/2023 10:57

I don’t think what he’s asking for is unreasonable or that unusual. He may be a bit of a dick, he may have moved on too quickly, you may not approve of his recent life choices but I think you need to let go. You can’t control this stuff and it’ll drive you mad trying. I know it’s a lot easier for a stranger to say that than if you’re all caught up in the situation.

pinkyredrose · 19/07/2023 11:14

Hatsof · 19/07/2023 10:04

He gets every evening during the week!

Show quote history

😂

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 19/07/2023 13:04

We used to have my DSC Thu-Sun every single week (plus half the holidays etc) because she wanted every weekend free to spend with her affair partner who couldn’t cope with DSC. She kicked off massively when we suggested she spend Sat-Sun 1 weekend per month with DSC (we’d still be having them on the Thu-Fri) and accused DH of not wanting to see his kids Hmm So I can well believe OP is genuine, as PP said this kind of entitlement is behind a lot of step parents’ frustrations!

BudgetBuster · 19/07/2023 14:05

You actually can't make this up 😂 Your selective responses just show your true colours OP

pyjamalife · 19/07/2023 14:20

So then you'll have "you time" on the nights of the week that your son is with his dad. Since it's supposedly comparable to weekends off.

Weirdinterview · 19/07/2023 15:27

You are going to end up seriously damaging your child if you keep up this nonsense.

Your child might feel like the prince of the world to you but he isn't. It will be fantastic for him to have the balance of having down time and your undivided attention at his home with you and then being part of a bigger family when he's at home with dad. Being part of a sibling group is in no way detrimental to a child. A judge/sheriff will laugh you out of court if you refuse a change in pattern because you believe that your child deserves undivided attention.

Parental conflict does huge amounts of harm to children. If you go down a court route it is very difficult to get back on an even keel with your co-parent. Don't do that to your child. Your ex is not being unreasonable. He will get the get contact he wants and if he wanted he could get even more.

If you love your child as an individual being and not as an extension of yourself, you would not take the opportunity of having a lovely family life with his dad away from him. Please don't.

MzHz · 19/07/2023 16:02

My god @Hatsof

the HatsOff needs to be your ex tbh, you’re batshit crazy!

I hope your ex does take this to court and I hope he gets FULL custody because the way you’re weaponising this poor lad is disgusting

all this mummy martyrdom won’t serve you at all well. Your ds will see what a monumental pita you are to his other family, the tension you create and how batshit it all is. You’re working term time and revolving your whole life around him, that’s not modelling real life for him, that’s not giving him anything to aspire to or be proud of from you.

MzHz · 19/07/2023 16:05

HerMammy · 17/07/2023 09:03

And I think for once MN can see how batshit mums can be and it's not always evil stepmoms or ex. Many many ppl are held to ransom by lunatics like the OP.

Brava!

noglow · 19/07/2023 16:24

Hatsof · 19/07/2023 10:04

He gets every evening during the week!

Show quote history

What? No.come on.

Honeychickpea · 19/07/2023 19:02

pyjamalife · 19/07/2023 14:20

So then you'll have "you time" on the nights of the week that your son is with his dad. Since it's supposedly comparable to weekends off.

The OP's desire for me time is not her ex's problem.

namechangenacy · 19/07/2023 19:16

I really did think god really someone can't be this mad.

However being on the receiving end of this bat shittery must be hell.

On the plus side if the dad or sm are on MN and see this I hope they take heart that actually it's not a them it's defo a you issue op.

Original poster
Hatsof · 19/07/2023 21:31

I don’t understand why some are saying it’s parental alienation?? Surely that’s what he’s doing and the court will see that.

OP posts:
Neverinamonthofsundays · 19/07/2023 21:33

Hatsof · 19/07/2023 21:31

I don’t understand why some are saying it’s parental alienation?? Surely that’s what he’s doing and the court will see that.

How is HE alienating YOU from your child? You made him together. Kids are not possessions. He has the right to see his child as often as you do.

AnxiousShep · 19/07/2023 21:55

Hatsof · 19/07/2023 21:31

I don’t understand why some are saying it’s parental alienation?? Surely that’s what he’s doing and the court will see that.

Can you explain exactly how you came to this conclusion?

Doyoumind · 19/07/2023 21:57

Hatsof · 19/07/2023 21:31

I don’t understand why some are saying it’s parental alienation?? Surely that’s what he’s doing and the court will see that.

The thread is still standing even though you've made yourself about as unbelievable as possible OP. So if you aren't winding us up you really, really need to pay attention to what you are being told. It will not go your way in court. It just won't. They won't look negatively on your ex. They will look negatively on you.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 19/07/2023 21:59

Hatsof · 19/07/2023 21:31

I don’t understand why some are saying it’s parental alienation?? Surely that’s what he’s doing and the court will see that.

If you genuinely can't see it's what you're doing, and how badly damaging your actions will be to your son, then I suggest you print this thread, and take it to a therapist. Or someone with professional acumen. It's all they will need to see.

If you honestly can't understand why people are saying you are crazy, and causing parental alienation, if you really, truly can't understand why, please seek someone a lot more qualified than those on MN to help you understand, and the sooner the better.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2023 22:01

Hatsof · 19/07/2023 21:31

I don’t understand why some are saying it’s parental alienation?? Surely that’s what he’s doing and the court will see that.

How on Earth have you come to the conclusion that's what he's doing?

namechangenacy · 19/07/2023 22:05

So who's gonna tell op this is parental alienation but it isn't dad doing it....

Grim so fucking grim

ChiPawPrint · 19/07/2023 22:06

Parental alienation is where one parent psychologically manipulates the child to become hostile to the other parent. The pressure becomes too much for the child and they end up taking sides, usually with the parent they live with.

I cannot see from anything you have said that the dad is engaging in this. I wouldn't say you are with what you have said on here but people were just trying to warn you that being obstructive to contact can go along those lines.

HHN · 19/07/2023 22:22

Disgusted behaviour from you OP.

ChiPawPrint · 19/07/2023 22:29

What makes you think the dad is engaging in parental alienation?

yogasaurus · 19/07/2023 22:34

This thread is really illuminating. DH’s ex used to come up with stuff like this; I assumed it was just to cause drama for us.

Now I’m thinking maybe she actually truly believed what she was saying!

Batshit x2.

BudgetBuster · 19/07/2023 22:40

@yogasaurus Agreed - always thought these type of scenarios were just manipulative and trying to cause trouble... but clearly the OP actually believes in her messed up views. I hope OP gets some therapy or help if I'm honest.

HerMammy · 19/07/2023 23:16

I'm sorry to say this but you sound either very stupid or incredibly nasty.
Your ex's proposal is perfectly reasonable and I doubt a court would disagree. You need to see you're being ridiculous and selfish and most definitely not putting your son first, don't be that crazy ex

Original poster
Hatsof · 19/07/2023 23:45

ok I didn’t understand what parental alienation is. My son feels left out at his dads, that’s not down to me that’s down to him. My son doesn’t even argue with me when I tell him he isn’t going to his dads on the set days so he isn’t bothered about going there. I very much doubt he will want to go there more and a court can’t make him.

OP posts: