Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

You don't seem to understand very much. The court can remove your DS from your care to your ex's if they see fit. If your son is a pre-school age he doesn't get to decide whether or not he goes. Once it goes to court, they decide. You lose the right to choose for him.

He wouldn't be going more anyway. He would be going as much as he did previously. But the fact that you say that reveals the holes in your story as you don't even seem able to keep up with it.

Yes - they can. They'll see that you're influencing the decision, which you clearly are. He's not old enough to decide he doesn't want to go, so yes, a court can indeed make him.
You are going to have a really harsh wake up call when you realise you cannot get your own way with everyone. You are damaging your child to protect your ego - your son will not thank you for this. This thread is pointless as you won't listen. Put your child first, or you will live to regret it when he is old enough to understand what you're doing.

I forget how old your son is but if he is quite young then yes the court will order for him to spend time with his dad. Children don't always know what is best for them and he might be saying that because he can pick up on how you feel about the situation.

My stepson used to do exactly the same. Used to tell his mum that his dad shouted at him, hurt him, was mean etc yet when he was observed with my husband, he was happy and content.

I meant he doesn’t want to go more cos people on here are saying ex could get 50/50, in saying my son wouldn’t want that.

my son has just turned 7. I was advised that his feels would be taken into consideration in court.

You do realise it has nothing to do with what your son wants or what you think he wants? Understand this: when you go to court you are handing over decision making to them. You can't just decide to go against it if you don't like the outcome without consequences.

Do everyone involved favour - including your DS - and agree to what your ex is asking for as it will be a quicker and less stressful route to the same conclusion.

OP, have you considered counselling?

@Hatsof yes they will be taken into consideration but ultimately a court starts on the presumption that the child has a right to a relationship with both parents unless it is unsafe for them to do so.

There are no safeguarding concerns here so the court would want to know your reasons for refusing contact.

So do you think if you train him up enough it will go in your favour? Because that's what parental alienation is.

At 7 with no abuse etc, in my experience Cafcass won't even speak to him. They don't really take children's views into account until they are older anyway

To add - why would you want to put your son through being questioned?

My ex was actually abusive. He hasn't physically harmed my DC but has mentally. I've been through court fighting for what was honestly best for my DC. It was never about me. I can't imagine ever thinking the way you do. It's completely wrong.

My reasons are that him being there in the week days is bad for his routine, and he gets no proper attention at his dads, also he doesn’t want to go on week days, only weekends. I don’t understand the court system but I’ll have to research it

I always hoped that this type of behaviour was uncommon. Probably naively.

I'm gonna put it bluntly op. You best start playing ball with your ex because you sound like you are trying to influence your son's perception of his dad.

And the court very well may mandate that not only do you not get your eay but he gets full custody and your at the mercy of your exs ability to play nice. Which would be a kindness I actually don't think you deserve rn tbh.

This is definition of parental alienation

I agree you should do some research, but what difference will it make if you are ignoring all the people on this thread with experience?

It's clearly not about his routine. It's about you. Sort yourself out.

Bad for your routine. You like not having your child every weekend and can claim more maintenance.

You've told your son to tell his father he needs to spend one of those days with just him, excluding his siblings, or it's not fair. Your son didn't come up with that at all.

You don't want him to go on week days. So you can have every weekend free, and get more money.

Stop trying to pass your selfish and spiteful motives off as your 7yr olds.

It is not just the court system you have no understanding of. You're going to be in for a huge shock.

@Hatsof In what ways do you feel it is bad for his routine? That could potentially be used as an argument but I think it would be a weak one, especially if dad can get him to school etc with no issues.

Why doesn't he want to go on weekdays?

The no attention reason, that won't even be considered by the court I'm afraid.

You put way to much emphasis on "quality 1 on 1 time" its also important your child learns how his world is. In his world there are step siblings and a half sibling. He needs to learn to negotiate that. He can only do that by being with them.

Your son is not entitled to all his father's time nor are you entitled to decide how his father should spend his time. You say he should just not change job so he should simply remain where he is without ever going anywhere as it suits you?

Please seek some counselling as I honestly think you are way to invested in your x life.

I suspect a court will allow the pattern your x is suggesting. X is not unreasonable in this request and he had been a steady constant in your childs life. Honestly the parental alienation I see here is from you towards dad not the other way around.

Oh they can and will make him. You haven't got a clue. Believe me you do not want to end up in court. It's utterly brutal. You are the problem here. What your ex has asked for is standard and if he applies to court, that's what he'll likely get. You don't get to be consulted about his life, it's nothing to do with you. You need to take some legal advice, perhaps you'll listen to them. You need to get a grip here.

Your ex has been with this woman a long time now. They have children, unfortunately your son is also part of there family now also and I cant see anywhere but that he is a good dad tbh which is rare. All I can see is you trying to control and make it difficult for no reasons whatsoever now. You will end up pushing your son away if you keep going on like this. Even if you were still together more children then son would end up with shared attention also.Anyway he has a half sister there also wether you like it or not and all the interactions will do him good and after all this time there's nothing wrong the exes gf looking after him with the other children also. Stop making things awkward and be happy you actually have a decent dad for your son and what sounds like a decent family his side.

I think the not being that crazy ex ship has sailed.

But he's not going more? He'd be spending less time actually there?

One parent does not get to dictate what the other does just because they feel like it, life does not work that way

You are ridiculous. You complain the other child is favoured, yet expect your child to be favoured. They should be treat the same.

You complain he has changed job. Yet expect him to pay you more maintenance than you are due.

I don't think this is about your child at all. It's about your trying to control your ex and having a fit you can't. Encourage your son to enjoy his time there instead of looking for issues to get in his head about. You're the issue, dad and new gf are trying to make it work and want to see your son.

I was saying this for those that think he will get 50/50 in court

The court will take into account what is best for the child and unless his father is abusive there is no reason he will not get 50/50 but if you go into a courtroom with the attitude you have on here I would be shocked if your ex didn't get more time than that again as you sound so far removed from the reality of what is best for your child.

He may get 50/50 and he may not. But the point is simply that the courts may listen to the preferences of your DS but will almost certainly try to preserve a decent custody for your ex and DS given that your ex is willing and wants to have significant involvement. Even if your DS said he wants to spend 24x7 with you, the courts would order him to spend time with ex because at 7 years old they are not able to make significant long term decisions and it is in best interests of child to have relationship with both parents.
The courts will absolutely not be interested in how the ex and DS spend time together (unless there were safeguarding issues which there aren't) so the court will not intervene and ask for 121 time for DS as you want for him. The court will likely accommodate the ex job schedule and award something similar to what he's asking for and certainly the court will not order him to resign and get a new job. That's not what they do.
So simply put, either accept what your ex is offering (or some reasonable varient thereof) or go to court and be forced to accept something. The latter gives you no leeway because it's now ordered by the court