Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

Think the judge in court will be in disbelief 😂

From what I am reading here you're not thinking about what's best for your son at all, all I have read to this point is me me me

Ex didn't tell ME about new gf
Ex didn't tell ME about pg

Me me me

You sound like my DSD’s mum - controlling and selfish. When I started a relationship with my now DH, the (long term) ex demanded that I wasn’t introduced to DSD, and that she should never be introduced to my children. Her dad was supposed to move back to where they lived (he had to move away for work) and stay around their town every weekend just in case his ex decided that DSD might be available for extra time. He wasn’t supposed to move on or do anything unless his ex approved it. He was to spend all of his time entertaining DSD and spend lots of money on her. She was brought up to believe that she was the most important child in the world and should be able to do and have everything as she wanted. We used to get told that DSD couldn’t go swimming/to watch sports/to see friends etc on my DH’s contact time. He wasn’t allowed any input into any decisions regarding his daughter but was supposed to ask ‘how high’ when the ex said ‘jump.’ We could have rolled a red carpet out and it would have been the wrong shade of red! She was batshit and you sound the same. The only person that will suffer in all of this is your son and I say that after seeing what the ex’s behaviour did to my DSD, who is the one that has lost out.

It's unusual for NRP to have their child every single weekend. Your son is school age OP, don't you want to see him on weekends sometimes so you can enjoy leisure time together?

What your ex is suggesting is perfectly rational and the typical set up in many cases.

Aside from this, you really need to think about your approach to co-parenting. Your ex has moved on. It is nothing to do with you when he introduced his partner. Nor is it anything to do with you that he lives with her and has children with her. You have no rights to be part of those decisions. You do not get to control your exs life simply because you share a child.

Finally, no, quite frankly. Your son has no reason to be "put first". All of your exs children should be prioritised the same in his life.

Really shocked by this one if I'm understanding! You want DS to spend every weekend with DD to ensure quality time with him. Yet not spending quality time with him yourself! Surely you would want your kid if the weekend

But he isn’t having quality time with him that’s the issue. He has to share his dad with another child. My son says every time they do anything it go anywhere the other child is always there it’s never just my son. I asked my ex to dedicate one day at least of the weekend to have our son alone and he ignored me so I asked my son to ask him and apparently he said h can’t always do that cos the gf works so he has to look after the baby. So he can prioritise his precious baby but not my son.
*
You cannot be serious OP???

Precious baby - clear jealousy and resentment there no need to explain.

Do you honestly think all children should be only children and never have siblings?? Are you an only child by any chance?? Or do you have siblings you hate and are estranged from? This reeks.

You cannot honestly say that if you met another man and had another baby your son and new baby would be able to have EXCLUSIVE time with you ONLY? That is not how FAMILIES work!

Whatever your son has said, I feel you've skewed his perspective and not managed his expectations well regarding having siblings.

Going out with dad alone once in a while is fine and healthy for individual parent/child relationships. But in practical terms, happens once in a blue moon!

I fear you've man your son feel like he should be his dads only kid and should always come first. You're setting him up for being upset and feeling chronic disappointment completely unnecessarily.

Also, you're preventing him making meaningful relationships with his half and step siblings. He could love going there and having other kids to play with. Instead it seems you've made him resent it.

This will probably backfire on you if it continues and your son might well ask to stay home with you on the weekends because he doesn't want to go anymore. What fun that'll be for him! A mum whose pissed off she's lost her precious weekends and is bored stiff because she doesn't know what to do with him.

You need a serious reality check.

I think you might need to look into a co parenting class or something. To understand what is really needed for success coparenting and helping your son adapt to a new family. Right now you are hindering him massively and for no good reason.*

"It’s just a guide isn’t it, surely he should pay more if he can. He has a much better paid job than me, I only work term time in school hours to suit our son"
Did you consult your ex before making the decision to only work p/t, which will impact on finances so therefore on DS?

You sound like a massive drama llama. I bet your ex thanks his lucky stars he’s not with you.

At least at weekends the other boys are not usually there so has the room to himself

And if that arrangement ever changes, and the other boys are with their mother most weekends? What are you expecting to happen then? Will you insist contact changes again and you'll have your son every weekend instead?

@Hatsof
Op, your son is apart of a bigger family when at his dads, there are many benefits of this in itself.. Why do you get to decide what quality time is?

There is absolutely no way this is about your son because it’s so far from acting within his best interests. This is about you and your need to have power in over you ex’s life. You are punishing him and trying to call the shots. Him and his wife must think you are completely vindictive.

If you are taken to court, you will have zero control over the situaton because they will act within your sons interest and that will be allowing him to be apart of a family that you are denying him- how very selfish of you.

Stop conflating your own needs with your sons, it is completely toxic!

You are undermining your son's relationship with his father by doing things like making your son the spokesman for your demands. This WILL be harmful for your son, while spending time in a family with other children will not.

And I think for once MN can see how batshit mums can be and it's not always evil stepmoms or ex. Many many ppl are held to ransom by lunatics like the OP.

Wow you are batshit. You don’t want to parent your kid on weekends cos it’s your ‘me’ time, but you don’t want his father to have his new son there because it takes attention away from your precious son.

You’ll be laughed out of court and rightly so, I think your son needs to spend more time at his dads to see a normal family dynamic, not the bitter jealous way of life you are showing him.

@HerMammy yep. Lots of posters don't realise that behind many step parents is a resident parent acting this way.

And people always think you're exaggerating when you say the ex is a nightmare!

Op, I don't even know where to start.

1. What planet are you on that you think you have any right, entitlement or control over your EX partners relationships and family planning? You aren't part of that relationship or family

2. His precious baby? You're so vindictive and jealous of a baby... grow up

3. Getting your young child involved in your petty squabbles with your ex is parental alienation - your son will grow up and remember your behaviour

4. A mediator absolutely did not agree with you, they aren't allowed to 'agree' with either party and I'd urge you to report them to the court services if they apparently did so as they were not doing their job

5. Just because you want to live in the past and spend your time focusing on being bitter doesn't mean your ex can't get a new (and potentially better) job. This will absolutely not go against him.

6. A judge will only see that you only want to be a part time mother parenting weekdays after school and having weekends to yourself while the child's Dad is asking for every other weekend and access with the child midweek on his days off when he can actually spend time with him.

7. Maybe you should get a full time better paid job instead of asking for more support.

In your scenario OP, I'm the 'new gf' and have a young son with my DH, who has two children of his own. We do 50/50 split. When they are at our house, they are fully immersed in our family life/day to day routines. Feeling left out, although upsetting, is to be expected when there's a new sibling and it's for the family to be supportive and help the children through that. It sounds to me like you are doing all you can to prevent that and keep your son 'separate' from the rest, or 'more important'. There are new family dynamics now that sadly you are not part of but your son is.

His father doesn't appear to me to have done anything wrong. He has ignored you seemingly when you've overstepped and tried to interfere with how he operates within his home and with his family. Nothing appears harmful to your son. I do completely understand the worry for your son with all the changes and you not knowing much about it, it must be unsettling for you. But from my own experience, support him with the adjustment, don't fight his dad unnecessarily. Jealousy sounds like it might be at play, and your son with recognise the negativity at your house sooner or later.

The only person who will suffer is your son. By making all contact with him a massive PITA by being deliberately difficult you will taint the relationships between your ds and everyone in that household.

your ex is stepping up, being an involved parent and making sure his life and relationships work well and allow your son to build strong relationships with him and his family.

you sound bitter and unhinged, you have no real power to make people do what you want them to do and it won’t be in your sons best interests anyway.

stop this nonsense now.

As someone who has watched my husband go through numerous court cases due to his ex being similar, I can say without a doubt that it emotionally harms children to the point where they are so confused, feel like they have to choose a parent, some resorting to self harming and angry outbursts because they just can't handle the conflict. It does a lot of damage.

If you don't want your son to end up like that, the best thing I can advise is to be reasonable with your ex and accept that your son has a right to a relationship with his dad and wider stepfamily.

Oh lord.

Look op I get it. Your coming from a place of hurt and unfortunately you have embroiled putting your son "first" = not ever finding another partner and or your child must be the sole focus so any other children are "stealing time".

Look at it another way. Do you truly want to create a child that thinks the world spins on its axis for him alone ? Surely that's a lonely place to be ? Your boy will grow to be a man and do you want him thinking this way as a adult ? Dont you think that will cause him more pain when he finds out the world doesn't stop for him alone. Because you won't be able to prevent that lesson being learned.

The courts don't care what's best for you, they care about what's best for the child.

I sounds like your still very hung up on your ex and (you talk like your still together- even though you aren't) and your hurt is being misdirected. You need to stop stalking your ex and his dp on social media. Your essentially causing yourself pain and your using your kid as pay per view to punish your ex. He's grey rocking you and with good reason.

You need to get some counselling op because your value system is buggered and honestly I commend this guy for how he's handling you. Some would not be so kind.

Its incredibly rare that everyone agrees on Mumsnet. And it seems everyone does on this one.

I'm trying to be nice but it's utterly frustrating to read this post and your updates. Your hurting your son, and as a mum, you should be doing better than this.

Let it go.

So if your ex has him every weekend and also works all week, when does he get HIS free time?!

He gets every evening during the week!

@Hatsof you do realise that makes you sound even more unhinged?!

He gets every evening? But you are bitching about losing your "you time" at a weekend??!!

I seriously hope the dad gets 50/50 custody for the sake of his son, the boy needs normality not the batshit that you are feeding him

He gets every evening during the week!

Only because you won't let him have the kids.