Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

@IncomingTraffic Very good point. I have seen cases where residency is transferred due to the other parenting alienating the child and being obstructive.

Plenty of children have to 'share' their parent(s) with a sibling. Mine included.

I do think children should get some 1 on 1 time, but that doesn't have to be every week, and not for a whole day unless that's actually possible.

In regards to the ex's new job, imo it depends how he went about it.

"Hi. I've got a new job so can't have DS every weekend" OR
"Hi, Ive got a new job and I'll be working EOW. Would you like me to arrange child care for DS on those weekends, or would you prefer to keep him at yours?"
They are very different approaches.

You poor thing.

But he isn’t having quality time with him that’s the issue. He has to share his dad with another child. My son says every time they do anything it go anywhere the other child is always there it’s never just my son. I asked my ex to dedicate one day at least of the weekend to have our son alone and he ignored me so I asked my son to ask him and apparently he said h can’t always do that cos the gf works so he has to look after the baby. So he can prioritise his precious baby but not my son.

Omg, of all the things you've said this is by a long way the worst and most ridiculous.

Are you morally opposed to all parents having more than one child? It's more common for people to have more than one child than to only have one - do you think those parents, who have two children 24/7, are not having quality time? Yes there is merit to 1 on 1 time, but this is not the only time that counts as quality.

Of course he's not going to spend half of every weekend just with one of his kids, how bloody ridiculous. He has a wife and a responsibility to her and his other child. Would you be happy if he said he needed to spend the other weekend day just with the baby? He's not prioritising the baby above your son, he's prioritising them equally. There's only one person assuming their "precious" child should be top dog, and that's you.

I can't believe you got your small child to ask for that. You'll have made something totally normal (a parent spending time with both of their kids together) seem like a rejection to him. Poor kid.

@Hatsof Oh my, his precious baby? You sound like a child!

All while claiming that she only cares about her son coming first!

I'm starting to think you're just not a nice person. This post is one of the most unreasonable things I've ever read on here.

'Precious baby' Wtf?

I cannot see anywhere that he is prioritising his baby over his son. Just that he is spending the day with both of them. There is nothing wrong with this. They are family.
As for asking your son to make demands on his dad, please stop using your son in this way. You are going to do him harm.

He can have quality time with them both at the same time. I mean at the moment you're not having any weekend time with him so pot kettle.

And stop getting your son stuck in the middle. You're going to do him damage.

@pinkyredrose I wholeheartedly agree.

This !! The only person here who will suffer is your son op. Court will not give a shit about your arguments with dad and why you don't think this and that is fair, they only care about the best interests of the kid, and that is having a relationship with both parents and families

You are so wildly unreasonable.

It sounds like you're more worried about interrupting your child free weekends. You're only damaging your son by not allowing weeknights. Your son isn't a pawn, you are trying to control everything because you are incredibly bitter and jealous, and having that control over your ex is your punishment for him moving on. He's entitled to move on. You do not have the right to know what he does, or demand anything when your son is with his father. If he goes to court, he will very likely be granted weekdays, so if you want to piss a load of money away to be proven wrong and absolutely annihilated by his solicitors in court, go ahead.

You claim you're thinking of your sons best interests, but you really aren't. Let your anger go, and move on. Stop punishing your child in the process of your resentment.

I think you know you're being completely unreasonable and are trying to see if you can come up with something that makes this seem reasonable for court.

You can't. The only thing that would make your argument remotely acceptable is if you worked weekends and he knew this.

This.

You're being ridiculous, your ex is trying to see his DS and you seem determined to stop him/make it difficult, don't be that arsehole.
When he is with his dad, you cannot control who he mixes with, sounds like it would do him well to get to know the other kids and his sibling.

This might shock you but your son doesn’t come 1st, and the world won’t revolve around him. You ex has other children to consider now and they are just as important as your son. It doesn’t matter that he was there 1st, it’s irrelevant. I don’t prioritise my 1st child over my others, I love them all equally.
You have only one child so of course he’s your priority, but yet you don’t want to spend weekends with him? That’s crazy to me.
Your ex has been way more than reasonable and you need to start being reasonable back before you mess up your child. Don’t send your child to ask his dad things or put issues through him, that’s awful!! If your ex was putting his new family 1st he wouldn’t be fighting you so hard to have this extra time with his child, he’s trying to do right by everyone including your child. You are the one making this difficult. You need to be positive about his new sibling/step siblings and encourage his relationship with the family. If he feels left out I suspect it’s your fault because you are telling him he is.

It is real. No idea why some think it’s not. Ive been on here for ages, changed some of the details a bit cos else would be outing and obviously name changed but yes it’s real. Thank you everyone that’s replied it’s been helpful

You say you work term time, i hope you don't work with children your views could be very damaging to them.
Your ex has a new family now and your son is part of that family, you are not, he now has a sibling, step siblings and a step parent and he should be encouraged and supported to have a positove relationship with all of them.
You do realise that now his dad is supporting 3 other children his cms payments could reduce.
You need to have a serious think about the way you are behaving as this will be having a huge megative impact on your son. Is he having ant help for his social anxieties?
He is not a priority he wouldn't have been if you had more children, his other child will have a very different relationship with his dad as he li especially there 24/7 but it doesn't mean that your son automatically gets his undivided attention he needs to learn to share his dad and you need to help him instead of make it more difficult, you don't have the right to know anything about his life now he can parent his child as he sees fit.
I really can't understand how you are happy never having any quality weekend time with your son, evenings and school holidays don't make up for eow

So @Hatsof how would your DPs partner divvy her time up so that each of her 3 children got equal undivided attention every weekend?

Does that fact that many posters think you’re being so incredibly and obviously unreasonable to the extent that it’s very hard to believe this is a real person’s actual views not give you any pause for thought at all?

Yes I suppose so.

Lots if things spring out to me - you have an idea of how things need to be .. no point him raising anything with you as it’s your way or no way .

You talk about your Ds been shy - better environment than a house full of kids to bring you out of yourself .

going to the park as a group can be fun .. it will help him grow …

I have a Ds (16) he would really benefit from a close bond with siblings .

the it’s my only time to myself I was shocked at but realise it has nothing to do with it as you are happy to have eow .. you don’t want to give up your weekends .

children don’t need to be constantly 1-1

you might not of met someone but imagine you did - the children would share you both .

if you had a sibling they would share ..

in total yabu .

keep it out of court and let your dc have 2 families