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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 22/07/2023 12:48

@Hatsof You really are un-friggin believable OP!!

YOU DO NOT OWN YOUR SON.

His dad is JUST AS MUCH his parent as you. Just because you birthed him doesn't mean you have ownership!

What don't you understand???

I am GOBSMACKED you changed his surname without consulting him. For what reason?! Why? Why did you feel the need to change his name? Out of bitterness and resentment from the split I bet. This is parental alienation. He is moving on and starting another family.

You don't have him full time? Are you deluded? He lives with you 4 days a week and 3 days with his dad. How do you work that one out? You are not LENDING your son to his dad a few days a week!!

You are absolutely instigating parental alienation here.

I hope he does take you to court and he will get what he wants and I hope the judge throws the book at you for your behaviour. And I hope your son can have his name back.

You're behaviour is really disgusting.

I think you should seek counselling with RELATE. They deal a lot with issues in co parenting relationships so hopefully they can enlighten you to this nonsense and how damaging you are being.

I was naive to think you'd turned a corner and some of what we've said had started to sink in at one point. You're obviously just annoyed that he wants to take you to court!

scoobysnaxx · 22/07/2023 12:50

You have him all Christmas's, Easter's and Birthdays?

Do you think this is fair??

Do you not think your son would like to spend half with his other family?

Even if your ex isn't asking for these, a mature mother focusing on her sons wellbeing would WANT her son to experience both!!

Original poster
Hatsof · 22/07/2023 12:52

scoobysnaxx · 22/07/2023 12:50

You have him all Christmas's, Easter's and Birthdays?

Do you think this is fair??

Do you not think your son would like to spend half with his other family?

Even if your ex isn't asking for these, a mature mother focusing on her sons wellbeing would WANT her son to experience both!!

No my son would rather spend it with me and his cousins and my family that’s what we’ve always done

OP posts:
noglow · 22/07/2023 12:54

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 12:52

No my son would rather spend it with me and his cousins and my family that’s what we’ve always done

Show quote history

That's because he hasn't been given a chance to have it any other way!

scoobysnaxx · 22/07/2023 13:03

@Hatsof BECAUSE YOU HAVE PREVENTED THIS FROM HAPPENING!!

What don't you see?

YOUR actions have created this scenario. By preventing more time with his new family you have deliberately made it incredibly difficult for your son to connect with his new family. No wonder he prefers to spend time with you and your family (if that's even how he really feels) because he's never been given another option!

If a parent is ready, willing and able to properly parent a child THE OTHER PARENT (YOU) HAS A DUTY TO FOSTER AND ENCOURAGE THIS RELATIONSHIP.

You have caused all the barriers here. Your sons 'feelings and opinions' have been caused by YOUR ACTIONS.

AnxiousShep · 22/07/2023 13:12

@scoobysnaxx unfortunately I think she gave up listening to any of us a while ago. There was a glimmer of hope that she was realising her actions weren’t right but it was gone in the blink of an eye.

monsteramunch · 22/07/2023 13:12

monsteramunch · 22/07/2023 12:23

The judge will see that you're a liar, basically.

I didn’t have his permission to change his name but didn’t think I needed it at the time.

Lie. You said you added his signature yourself. So you knew that his signature (therefore his permission) was required and that you didn’t have it.

I have had google and it even says on the deed poll website that there’s nothing someone can do if someone does that cos it’s hard to prove.

Where on earth are you getting that from in the bit you just shared from your site? Be specific.

It’s not really fraud is it.

You said that then also said I didn’t say it isn’t fraud. So another lie.

I didn’t say it isn’t fraud but this is what it says on the website, basically that they rely on the parent giving the correct information

Nobody is disputing that they rely on that. But you didn’t give the correct information. And that has consequences.

Including a judge quite rightly viewing you as not acting in your child’s best interests and instead being a perpetrator of parental alienation.

You seriously need to get your head around the fact that he will very easily be awarded 50:50 custody if he asks for it.

Any thoughts on this OP?

scoobysnaxx · 22/07/2023 13:19

@AnxiousShep yes clearly. She only hesitated because she's freaking out about court!!

ChiPawPrint · 22/07/2023 13:27

@Hatsof He tells you he wants to spend it with you because he knows that's the right answer to say to please you.

amiold · 22/07/2023 13:27

Hell will wait for women like you OP

I'm guessing that the dad left you and you've never got over it so you use your son as control

Reugny · 22/07/2023 13:31

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 07:55

He has plenty of cousins on my side of the family so he will never be alone. We are all super close and he spends a lot of time with them

Show quote history

Cousins and siblings are different.

I have a lot of both.

My siblings include full, half and step.

While some of my cousins lived for periods of time in my parents houses, they were not parented by them. So their memories of my parents are completely different to myself and siblings.

ChiPawPrint · 22/07/2023 13:34

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 10:59

It’s not really fraud is it. He keeps insisting he never signed it, I insist he did. That’s how it’s been going. And I’ll show you why it says on deed poll site

Family court has a different standard of proof than criminal courts. In family courts, it's what's more likely to be true than not. Adding all your behaviour together, the judge would likely conclude that it's more likely your ex is telling the truth.

Original poster
Hatsof · 22/07/2023 13:35

ChiPawPrint · 22/07/2023 13:34

Family court has a different standard of proof than criminal courts. In family courts, it's what's more likely to be true than not. Adding all your behaviour together, the judge would likely conclude that it's more likely your ex is telling the truth.

Show quote history

Really?? So what do I do?? I’ve basically begged him not to go through with court and he’s still saying he is. He says the mediation certificate only lasts a certain time?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 22/07/2023 13:40

Really?? So what do I do?? I’ve basically begged him not to go through with court and he’s still saying he is. He says the mediation certificate only lasts a certain time?

What do you do? You grow up and face the consequences of your actions I'm afraid.

Going to court is the right thing for your ex and for your son.

It's unfortunate that you've behaved in a manipulative, controlling (and illegal in the case of the fraud you committed) way but you made the choice to do so and you'll have to face the consequences.

Especially as the parental alienation and refusal to work collaboratively in the best interests of your child is all documented in your email exchanges.

There's no reason a judge won't award 50:50 custody in the circumstances you've outlined, so you need to prepare for that being a possible outcome of your ex asks the judge for it.

campingmama · 22/07/2023 13:41

Really?? So what do I do?? I’ve basically begged him not to go through with court and he’s still saying he is. He says the mediation certificate only lasts a certain time?

What is it you are really afraid of?
Court will put what's best for your son first and you claim that you always put your son first so surely it'll all work out exactly right 🙄

ChiPawPrint · 22/07/2023 13:42

@Hatsof The mediation certificate lasts 4 months; then he would have to attend an MIAM again.

I think having a child arrangements order would be best all round for your son.

Reugny · 22/07/2023 13:51

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 13:35

Really?? So what do I do?? I’ve basically begged him not to go through with court and he’s still saying he is. He says the mediation certificate only lasts a certain time?

Show quote history

If what you have posted on this thread is true then no wonder he's going to Court.

You have serious issues.

Even if you don't dad wasn't in his life by the time your son is 18 he would either move as far away as possible from you or be an emotional wreck.

I know adult children in both situations due to having mothers as screwed up as you.

As you have repeatedly claimed you put your son first then let your ex write up a Child Arrangements Order, agree to it in Court and go to get counselling for your serious issues so you don't screw your son up even more.

Btw if you got run over by that proverbial bus tomorrow your day would go to live with his father and siblings not his cousins. Has happened in my wider family more than once.

excelledyourself · 22/07/2023 13:56

Really?? So what do I do?? I’ve basically begged him not to go through with court

So like all bullies, when stood up to, you're nothing more than a coward.

ChiPawPrint · 22/07/2023 13:59

My husbands ex got a shock in court. She wanted Christmas for her every year. Magistrates said nope, it will be alternated. I think she was genuinely shocked she didn't get her own way. She stormed out of court crying at the top of her voice.

BudgetBuster · 22/07/2023 14:47

I'm going to a movie out of this 😂
OP, get yourself some help. You're actually deranged, and I don't think your son is safe with you.

SeulementUneFois · 22/07/2023 14:51

ChiPawPrint · 22/07/2023 13:59

My husbands ex got a shock in court. She wanted Christmas for her every year. Magistrates said nope, it will be alternated. I think she was genuinely shocked she didn't get her own way. She stormed out of court crying at the top of her voice.

I'm bemused that some people on the thread think that this is made up, or a reverse.
There's plenty of bitter and frankly evil ExWs like this one, who go on with their machinations for years and years. As you can hear from plenty of stepmums - only they're persona non grata to other women and hence not believed.

Stomacharmeleon · 22/07/2023 15:17

@Hatsof maybe stop emailing.
Do what he wants regularly and stop chopping and changing contact.
And show him you can parent the right way.
And stick to it/

MzHz · 22/07/2023 15:24

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 08:48

He doesn’t get universal credit, I do. I have already told him fine he can have it his way but he’s said no he’s going to court cos he doesn’t think I’ll stick to any of it. He did say he will be using the emails against me cos he says I’ve alienated our son from his family. He sent a long assed message yesterday saying all this. I changed my sons surname to mine a few years ago by deed poll and he’s always said he isn’t happy about it but now says he’s bringing that up in court cos he wants it changed back. No idea where I stand on that. His name is now changed in school and drs and everything

Show quote history

You changed your sons name by deed poll without his father’s permission? How is that even possible? You can only have lied to have done that.

you’re going to be torn to shreds in court. I hope your ex sells tickets to the hearing, it’ll be one hell of a show.

twoandcooplease · 22/07/2023 15:26

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zooopta · 22/07/2023 15:27

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