Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

@Hatsof

The judge is likely to grant him it, either to change it back or double barrel. The name change without the other parent's consent is considered a unilateral decision and highly frowned upon. You will get a telling off. It may well be considered alienation. I don't want to speculate but I'd say this has consequences for you. It's too late now but you should not have done it.

Do everything you can now to avoid court. Offer to pay for a solicitor yourself to draw up a consent order between you. Will bind you legally to offer him reassurance but keeps judge out of it.

I changed my sons surname to mine a few years ago by deed poll and he’s always said he isn’t happy about it but now says he’s bringing that up in court cos he wants it changed back.

Holy crap you really are screwed you do not have the right to do that.. what on earth made you think that is was okay?? That is absolutely alienation.. how did you explain it to your son?
"Oh it's okay just me and you have the same name.. leave big bad daddy and his perfect new family to have the old name.. we don't need them??"
Your ex is right to go to court then it's documented and you can't change your mind and your son will get to share special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays with his siblings too

Oh dear, that's not going to go down well in Court. The actions show you have disregard for the other parent, who has the same 'parental responsibility' as you. You are both equal parents in law.

I'm guessing you didn't get his father's permission to change his name ? In which case I don't blame him taking to court you've already admitted you don't send your son on his days if you have something planned, changed his name (I presume with our permission), tried to control aspects of their relationship regarding as and when the dad does/ tells son things and think you have the "right" to know.

You do know if he gets 50/50 the money you get from him now will likely stop ?

What set up do you have for Christmas, birthdays and Father's Day ? Are they all spent with you and his dad is lucky to get what he gets ? Because that wouldn't surprise me either.

I changed it before he met his gf. My son has only known to be my surname cos he was too young to remember

Also OP, you say he's not on universal credit but you are. What I'm saying is, you're still not entitled to any free legal aid in court as you're not a victim of domestic abuse. So you will be doing court alone or paying probably £10k if you have a few hearings and need a barrister, another reason to try and avoid.

This is correct. Legal Aid is only given in family cases in exceptional circumstances.

Just to give you an idea OP, my husbands court case went on for 2 years. He only had representation right at the end which included witness statements and a final hearing. Spent £13,000 on legal fees just for the end bit.

I have him all Christmas Easter’s and birthdays at the moment. I didn’t have his permission to change his name but didn’t think I needed it at the time.

Wow OP.

Do you seriously not see any issues in your actions here????

You are likely to get roasted by a judge for name change without consent, alienation and using contact as a means of control.

Your poor child is stuck in the middle of your actions you think it's best for them when it isn't whatsoever.
Your ex is right to get it agreed at court as you clearly don't see the harm you are causing to your child by your actions.

@ChiPawPrint
Yes, it's extortionate and so stressful and adversarial for both sides and the child.

I did have a legal aid entitlement because I had police and refuge records and supporting letter that I was believed to be a victim of DA, but even with the representation it was the worst experience of my life and hugely stressful to have your child's life in the hands of a stranger.

I'm out of court now thankfully but I advise everyone I know to avoid at all costs!

OP, what would you do if a judge ordered a change of residency?

Oh OP.

Could you suggest mediation again politely and civilly and then say or yes we probably do need to go to court after that if we can't resolve it. Then stick to what is agreed in mediation.

Then it's no wonder your son feels left out of his other family unit

Unfortunately OP this is something you'll have to consider if it goes to court. From everything you've written it's far from impossible.

Honestly OP. I totally get your feelings. Not having the family unit you planned, especially when ex goes on to have that with someone new, hurts. It sucks big time.

But you really need to start thinking of your son. I know so many people with a similar story to mine. That is one where Dad moves on, has a new family and pushes the 'first' dc out. (And yes, I know there are plenty of crazy ex Wives too)

When my ex had a new baby with his now wife my DC were told they couldn't see Daddy for a few weeks because he had a new baby. They've been told "we can't see you this week because we're going on a family day out/ family holiday" like they aren't family. When DS mentioned how much he loved his baby sister he was quite firmly told "she's your half sister". FF 10 years since the first sibling was born and their dad and step mum can't understand why my DC hardly go over or have any Bond with the other children.

They changed their surname as soon as they were allowed without his permission (16)

Please OP let your son have the relationship he deserves with his dad and new sibling.

There's much you've said on this thread to suggest you're pulling a lot of legs, but on this one I am highly suspicious. You can't legally change a name without the father's consent. How did you manage it? You can use a different name without changing it formally, but for the paperwork I'm not sure how you did it.

You sound so jealous over the 3 kids your sons dad's girlfriend has.. have you ever thought that they might be amazing for your ds?

My ds12 is an only child and was 3 when I met my dh. Dh had 3 dc from his previous marriage- a 2,4 and 5 year old. My ex was like you, sick with jealousy and doing his utmost to keep ds away from dh's dc because he knew I wanted to blend the family.

We went to court and of course exh lost because petty jealousy isn't a reason to keep dc away from each other, and you know what, those dc mean everything to my ds. They've had a wonderful childhood together. They are his siblings.

Be happy for your ds, kids love other kids company, it helps them grow in confidence, so much fun for them. Love your ds more than you hate your ex

How did you change your son's name without permission OP?

deedpolloffice.com/change-name/children/changed-unlawfully

Did you forge his signature? I can't see how else you would have done it officially.

The OP is definitely just trying to get a rise from everyone here. She's deliberately created a thread that she knows is fuelling feelings. OP do u have nothing better to do?

I know you keep reporting everyone's posts saying, can this even be true. But do you understand that the things you keep drip feeding are things that are so preposterous, then say "oh, whoopsy, was I not supposed too?" As if anyone would actually do this many horrendous things. It's like you're trying to come up with the next unbelievable thing to get a reaction.

If this really is true, you are in a world of trouble when this goes to court. You need to get legal advice. Which you'll need to pay back. Because if you've genuinely done these things, you need a solicitor. A bloody good one. I don't know the legalities here but you can't change a child's name without all parental consents, unless you apply to court. So what you've done is potentially illegal. I say potentially because I don't know. You need a lawyer, now.

I changed it before he met his gf. My son has only known to be my surname cos he was too young to remember

If this is true then you are clearly one of these women that had the sole focus of having a baby... your ex was just the sperm doner and cash cow and you thought he would disappear into the sunset and just send a cheque once a month.. but he's ruined your little plan by wanting to be involved... how dare he?!
I do hope this is a wind up as if not that child does not deserve someone like you messing him up

If this is serious...

Mediation can draw up an agreement which is then submitted to court for a judge to confirm so will be legally binding. Suggest this approach to him.

If a parent does behave (like Op is suggesting she does) then a judge will quickly determine that one parent is acting in their best interests and not considering the other parents legal rights.

I have not reported any posts mumsnet can confirm that.. also I thought actually I was doing the right thing for my son. Yes I’m jealous. Yes I’ve been stupid about things but I am going to try and fix it but agreeing to the midweek contact and go from there.

How did you change his name without your ex's permission? Did you forge his signature?

So at the time I did ask ex about changing his name and he didn’t say no, so yes I did put his signature in. I have had google and it even says on the deed poll website that there’s nothing someone can do if someone does that cos it’s hard to prove