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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 21/07/2023 16:03

Hatsof · 21/07/2023 13:04

It is different cos I’d be the mum to both, and also they would both live with me full time

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This view is actually quite common in real life, that half siblings via mum are somehow “proper” siblings but half siblings via dad are not. Doesn’t make it right in the slightest, but a lot of people do hold this incorrect view.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 21/07/2023 16:14

yogasaurus · 21/07/2023 13:10

This explains a lot.

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It explains a lot indeed

noglow · 21/07/2023 17:15

Hatsof · 21/07/2023 13:04

It is different cos I’d be the mum to both, and also they would both live with me full time

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What. He's dad to both? And he has your son some of the time so no they wouldn't both live with you full time.

noglow · 21/07/2023 17:15

SemperIdem · 21/07/2023 16:03

This view is actually quite common in real life, that half siblings via mum are somehow “proper” siblings but half siblings via dad are not. Doesn’t make it right in the slightest, but a lot of people do hold this incorrect view.

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Yup. It's horrible to watch as the mum of a half sibling of my stepchildren.

aSofaNearYou · 21/07/2023 20:42

I think it's more than just not thinking they're a real sibling, OPs post implied she didn't even think of the other child as his dad's proper child.

TitoMojito · 21/07/2023 20:52

Your ex has two children and you need to learn to accept that. That's the bottom line. You might not like it. Maybe your son doesn't like it, I don’t know. But that's the reality and you need to find a way to live with that and stop acting like your ex's other child shouldn't exist.

If you and ex had multiple children together, would only your eldest deserve attention?

Reugny · 22/07/2023 06:52

TitoMojito · 21/07/2023 20:52

Your ex has two children and you need to learn to accept that. That's the bottom line. You might not like it. Maybe your son doesn't like it, I don’t know. But that's the reality and you need to find a way to live with that and stop acting like your ex's other child shouldn't exist.

If you and ex had multiple children together, would only your eldest deserve attention?

The son is too young to decide whether he likes it or not.

Some people go through phases in life as they grow up where they can and can't stand their sibling(s) whether full, half and even step if they have known them from a very young age.

Anyway as I said in a pp when the OP is dead, while it sounds morbid, that's when her child is likely to need their siblings.

Original poster
Hatsof · 22/07/2023 07:55

Reugny · 22/07/2023 06:52

The son is too young to decide whether he likes it or not.

Some people go through phases in life as they grow up where they can and can't stand their sibling(s) whether full, half and even step if they have known them from a very young age.

Anyway as I said in a pp when the OP is dead, while it sounds morbid, that's when her child is likely to need their siblings.

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He has plenty of cousins on my side of the family so he will never be alone. We are all super close and he spends a lot of time with them

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 22/07/2023 07:57

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 07:55

He has plenty of cousins on my side of the family so he will never be alone. We are all super close and he spends a lot of time with them

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So why can’t he be super close to his siblings too? Because you’re not part of that?

Laurdo · 22/07/2023 07:59

Hatsof · 21/07/2023 13:04

It is different cos I’d be the mum to both, and also they would both live with me full time

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How would they both live with you full time? Your son doesn't live with you full time currently.

noglow · 22/07/2023 08:03

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 07:55

He has plenty of cousins on my side of the family so he will never be alone. We are all super close and he spends a lot of time with them

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The more I read from you the more angry I get for your child. He has a halfsibling. Why wouldn't you want him to have a chance at a relationship with them? He currently sees his dad frequently. Why would you want to stop that? I hope your ex does take you to court and get this resolved. You do not own your son.

Original poster
Hatsof · 22/07/2023 08:22

Laurdo · 22/07/2023 07:59

How would they both live with you full time? Your son doesn't live with you full time currently.

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He’s with me more than he’s with his dad so technically with me full time.

OP posts:
deepspace9 · 22/07/2023 08:29

@Hatsof he's with you most of the time. Not full time. Honestly when will you put your son first. This whole thread is incredibly sad to read.

Original poster
Hatsof · 22/07/2023 08:32

deepspace9 · 22/07/2023 08:29

@Hatsof he's with you most of the time. Not full time. Honestly when will you put your son first. This whole thread is incredibly sad to read.

I’m the one who does put him first! I do things with him his dad never does any 1 on 1 time ever.

OP posts:
twigy100 · 22/07/2023 08:35

OP, I'm sorry but you really need to change your way of thinking. Surely the fact no one agrees with you speaks volumes ? Full time is 100% of his time which isn't true, he does not live with you full time.

Stop dressing your ex up as the villain, he's moved on with his life (which he has every right to do) and wants his son to be part of that.

You have no say how he should live his life or what he does when his son is with him just as he wouldn't when your son is with you.

deepspace9 · 22/07/2023 08:36

@Hatsof yes because he has other children to consider. You seem to be playing a game of whose the best parent. Just stop doing that. Be encouraging of his relationship with his dad and siblings. It sounds like they have a lovely little family unit there. Encourage it and be happy for him. I promise you it's the best thing you can do. Otherwise he'll see straight through what you are trying to do.

nutmegnit · 22/07/2023 08:38

OP, give him what he's asking for or the court will, I'm afraid.

Consider what I'm saying very carefully and stop digging your heels in on this or you'll end up in a position where you're financially drained, emotionally drained and humiliated in a court battle. Agreeing this now will be a far better outcome than dragging yourself and your son through that.

The judge will grant him that without question. If you've sent text messages about all the 'issues' you describe, your ex could well bring these into proceedings and the judge absolutely will not look kindly on this and you may be under fire.

For your own sake drop this now and grant it.

harriethoyle · 22/07/2023 08:38

Hatsof · 20/07/2023 17:23

Unfortunately all in writing as we only communicate via email 😩

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It's SO satisfying when karma bites quickly 🤣🤣🤣 enjoy court, OP!

nutmegnit · 22/07/2023 08:41

Also, OP, you will no longer have any entitlement to legal aid unless you are BOTH on universal credit/very low income AND are a victim of domestic abuse with supporting letter from police/Women's Aid.

So you will be representing yourself or paying through the nose.

Give him it now before he puts forms in.

Laurdo · 22/07/2023 08:47

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 08:22

He’s with me more than he’s with his dad so technically with me full time.

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He's with his dad fri-mon, that's 3 nights a week you have him the other 4 night. So he's with his dad 43% of the time and you 57%. How is 57% full time?

Original poster
Hatsof · 22/07/2023 08:48

nutmegnit · 22/07/2023 08:41

Also, OP, you will no longer have any entitlement to legal aid unless you are BOTH on universal credit/very low income AND are a victim of domestic abuse with supporting letter from police/Women's Aid.

So you will be representing yourself or paying through the nose.

Give him it now before he puts forms in.

He doesn’t get universal credit, I do. I have already told him fine he can have it his way but he’s said no he’s going to court cos he doesn’t think I’ll stick to any of it. He did say he will be using the emails against me cos he says I’ve alienated our son from his family. He sent a long assed message yesterday saying all this. I changed my sons surname to mine a few years ago by deed poll and he’s always said he isn’t happy about it but now says he’s bringing that up in court cos he wants it changed back. No idea where I stand on that. His name is now changed in school and drs and everything

OP posts:
nutmegnit · 22/07/2023 08:50

I've just read you've spoken to him and he doesn't trust you and still wishes to go to court. I suggest that you avoid this by all means and try:

  1. asking him for a discussion where you sincerely accept you have come to the understanding your behaviour hasn't been reasonable and you'd like the opportunity to put it right and come to an agreement which you will abide by, and that by doing so you keep your son out of court which is in his best interests. Appeal to his better nature and apologise.

  2. suggest you come to a consent order between you whereby you grant him the weekday contact and are very reasonable about all the terms. This can be signed off by a judge to make it a legal order however avoids the judge having any input, which is good, and it avoids prolonged expensive proceedings impacting your son.

Swallow your pride and do this. I would, to avoid court and stress for my child. I've been through family court and it is no picnic. In fact, it is in honesty a frightening, often nonsensical and very difficult place for mothers refusing contact (even if there are documented police records, jail time, convictions regarding children and safeguarding issues).

Original poster
Hatsof · 22/07/2023 08:51

I’m going to agree with the midweek now I said I would. But now he is on about changing his name back.

OP posts:
ChiPawPrint · 22/07/2023 08:53

Hatsof · 22/07/2023 08:51

I’m going to agree with the midweek now I said I would. But now he is on about changing his name back.

What do you mean changing it back?

noglow · 22/07/2023 08:54

Just get a solicitor and prepare for court. I seriously think in this case its the best think for your child. Don't tell your child about court and I suggest you email your ex and say you'll start his requested pattern now.