Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

Selfish. You've been selfish.

You don't seem to see that it's your behaviour that is problematic?

I'm glad you have come around to the idea, but the fact it has taken hundreds of comments to get you there and the eye roll over court kind of proves you're not 100%.
Just to be clear - there is no reason that court wouldn’t be good for your son. Your son should never hear about court orders or judges etc.

Your ex is right to get it court ordered unfortunately, he requested a very reasonable change, you disagreed for the craziest reasons, couldn't agree in mediation, and currently you don't stick to the agreement anyway.

Your best bet when you get into Court is to say to the judge that you agree to the every other weekend and 2 midweek days once they are consistent. Although you didn't agree immediately, you have now had sufficient time to consider. Also, I'd tell your ex that you should start this arrangement immediately so that your son doesn't miss out. This will go in your favour.

You've asked elsewhere about what else could come up. The kind of stuff we have in our court order is: times and location for pickup drop-off (e.g. non term time is the exchange 10am or 6pm etc), in the summer each parent gets 2 consecutive weeks access to avail of holidays, we alternate years for the likes of Easter, Christmas eve. Mother always has Mothers day, Dad always has fathers day. Family occasions to be agreed in advance in writing and Makeup time offered (e.g. if you had an event and kept son for 24hrs on dad's time, dad gets that 24hrs back at a time of his choosing) - if makeup time isn't agreed, no swap.

You should apologise to your ex and stop trying to control his relationship with his son to the extent that you have been. The poor guy has done nothing wrong apart from move on and meet someone else.

You've been really stupid. I'm going to say I understand the hurt with the new family, I get it. However, there is sod all you can do about this. You've gone out of your way to make things difficult for your ex and to damage his relationship with his child. It's probably best that this goes to court so that you both know where you stand. What he is asking for is perfectly reasonable and others here have listed what their CO's look like. I literally do not know a single person who has every weekend free from their child under these circumstances. It's dreadfully unfair. When you become a parent you don't get "weekends to yourself" every single bloody week. I can't believe you'd actually want that. You are both entitled to build a life, of course you are, but what you are doing at the moment is ridiculous. Having every other weekend and midweek contact is standard and fair to both of you.

When you hear from Cafcass and have your first appointment, I would strongly advise you to hold your hands up to being unreasonable and agree to a normal contact schedule. Remember too that either party can apply to vary that order further down the line, so if things don't work for whatever reason, you can revisit. In the meantime, listen to us here. Many of us have been through this.

@Laurdo glad it's not just me that has this with a lunatic ex 😂 I stay out of it but she made some pretty big allegations and got believed, he hadn't been an angel don't get me wrong! But she took the truth and stretched it on occasions and them believing it was all a one way street and she did absolutely nothing wrong made her worse and she carries on still. Three times this week alone she's sent war and peace and making things up that apparently the child has told her which just are not true. I can see so much of our situation in this. We will have to go back to court eventually because she will pull contact again and it's just tiring. She is like OP and thinks the child is hers and everyone should do as she says or the rug is pulled from beneath them and it just gets worse.

Op is being ridiculous to think her behaviour is not the problem. I'm glad she's realising now the impact she is having on her son.

Ours is a different kind of crazy. Just tries to make life difficult to piss us off. Custody is 50/50 but she's really not interested in her child. Dumps her with babysitters the first chance she gets, goes out and leave her teenage son babysitting or leaves her in her room watching YouTube all day/night on a laptop. I think really she'd rather we had her more so she could go out and get wasted on vodka and cocaine every weekend with her new boyfriend, but she won't because she knows that's what my DH would like and she'd worry what all her Facebook friends would think. She never puts her child first. Everything is about her.

@Laurdo jeez poor kid. Ours is more bothered about point scoring than actually bringing her child on. Sleeps every other weekend (partner works shifts) and blames all the short falls on dad. So his fault little one won't eat (she give a list of what to feed him and now says what he's feeding is wrong) has never been toilet trained, still has dummy's and bottle of milk for bed, bad skin(due to allergies) delayed speech etc etc. absolutely nothing is her fault and she picks random bits off the list to start an argument and blame him and if he says it's not true she calls him a liar etc. honestly go round in circles if he doesn't respond she says she must be right and if he does she tells him he is wrong. Another 14 year to go 🙃🙃

Honestly every post is worse - why is a 7 year old even involved in these decisions - why are you asking him? You are been really really unfair to your Ds - not your ex.

i feel like it is pointless though about 13 pages .. you just haven’t took in anything you have read only to ask how you can get your own way.

it should go in a category of pointless threads

OP maybe you are coming to your senses but you mentioned something about dragging your son into the court process. Your son should know nothing about it going to court or the disagreements you're having. Don't you dare mention it to him. As I said earlier, I doubt Cafcass will speak to him, especially if you play ball and don't cause all sorts of trouble. You really don't want them speaking to him as it's unlikely to go well for you.

It depends on what you wrote in the emails.

If you refused to let him see your joint child on the child's birthdays and/or Christmas Day then it is common for a clause to be added so they are alternated every other year.

If you made a fuss over your son seeing his half and step siblings there may be clauses added to ensure they have a relationship with one another.

Forgot to say it will go in your favour if you know one of the half or step siblings has a birthday, and you ask your ex if he wants your child to attend the celebration as your realise having brothers and sisters are important.

Basically you need to start backtracking now in your emails, and then when you speak to CAFCASS and the judge.

My DP's ex is still trying to separate their DC from our DD. Luckily the ex has family members have been intervening indirectly to stop that nonsense.

You can’t help yourself can you!? It’s not YOUR SON going to/through court, it’s YOU

if you allow ANY of the court proceedings to stress/affect him, you’re a diabolical parent

this is between his dad and you. Stop bringing this poor wee child into the middle of your war zone

The only person making this situation combative is you and courts will see through you

hes going to get all that he wants and possibly more besides

Bit late for that isn't it - he's being sensible by making sure contact is court ordered so you can stop playing your games.
Suck it up, learn from this, and do better.

Too late for that.

The best thing the OP can do is to stop being combative and act like I have already suggested.

Then when it goes to Court agree to the Order presented to her so it is one hearing.

She should not tell her son about the Order ever as if she stupidly does the boy's father will wait until he is an adult and show him her emails.

And in future she needs to think very carefully before she emails her ex trying to control how he parents in his own household, and manipulates her son to ask his father for things like to ignore his siblings.

How did you get legal aid OP?

unfortunately if your ex has decided he wants to go to court and get everything legally drawn up, then that’s his right. And frankly the way you’ve been it’s unsurprising.

out of curiosity, had you been able to have more children how would you have ensured your son had a hundred percent of your attention?

I had legal aid cos I get some universal credit.

well obviously not but it’s a bit different when it’s your own full sibling and you live with them full time.

But if you had another child with a different partner then they would be exactly the same a half sibling it is no different at all for his half sibling.
They aren't a full sibling because it's you having a child!

It is different cos I’d be the mum to both, and also they would both live with me full time

It’s irrelevant anyway what ifs about me having more children as I’m 44 and would need to do ivf again and I’m not even dating so no way I’ll be having any more

This explains a lot.

I get that it's a theoretical given your age etc but it still wouldn't make them a full sibling because it's you giving birth and them living with you full time!

Your entire attitude around your DS and using him as a weapon so your ex does as you wish is completely wrong. I really hope the courts agree to your exs request as they are entirely reasonable.

You should never use a child due to your own bitterness, tbh I feel sorry for your son to be stuck in the middle with you trying to do stuff deliberately on your exs contact days etc unless it's a one off and prior consent obtained.

It is different cos I’d be the mum to both

Please explain how that is different? He is dad to both, you realise. So it isn't different.

And it might be 50/50 residency

@Hatsof youve had a bit of a kicking, and I know that it’s hard for you to take, but you can change, you have to change.

you can’t keep making people suffer because of your actions and choices. It will impact on your son by tarnishing the relationships he has with others

how would you like it if the appearance of one person into your home on a regular basis brings with it a world of nonsense, rules, stipulations and complaints? Think about it, your own child brings problems in the shape of you controlling and demanding all kinds of things that are not possible or reasonable, at some point that’s going to tarnish the feelings/love and care people feel for him. You want your child treated well, looked after, cared for and welcomed? well make it easier for people to have him in their lives or they won’t want all the nonsense and drama and step back and he’ll know it’s because of you.

there was a poster here with identical issues with a now uni age dd who wants to run as far away as possible from her mother. Think on. That’s your future if you don’t change.

my oh is in exactly the same situation. Her dm has destroyed every relationship with her family due to her insane control issues. Wouldn’t be so bad, but she herself couldn’t give a shit about time with her dd either, but just doesn’t want anyone else to enjoy themselves with dd or for dd to have a wonderful time.

OP, YOUR SON DOES NOT LIVE WITH YOU FULL TIME....

You're going backwards again! Cop yourself on.

This.

OP you need counseling to understand you do not own your son and he needs other people around him so he doesn't grow into a spoilt and/or anxious brat..