Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

You sons dad has a very good chance of getting 50/50 in court. Of course the court will consider any child’s feelings but that doesn’t mean they will do what the child wants. When they come to speak to you I advise you don’t say the things you have said here. It will not look good on you. Children get more say when they are 12+.

Of course the child will stay with you when you decide you want to bother with them on the weekends, 1 the child never gets weekends with you and probably craves that time, 2 you are offering an activity outside the norm, 3 the child wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings. None of those mean he doesn’t love his dad or have a good relationship with him despite your twisting. You are messing up your own child

I would almost guarantee his dad will get what he’s asking for if it goes to court, and more besides. This thread is written by you and so should come across biased in your favour and yet it doesn’t. Written in your version of events 100% shows you as the unreasonable one, so much so I thought it was a reverse.

My DSD has always been allowed (by her mum) to choose … as long as she chooses what her mum wants her to. She asked to stay an extra night with us one school holiday (when she was about 9), but that wasn’t allowed by mum because mum said she had to tidy her bedroom (which was ironic as dad had been told to never ask her to tidy her room at our house). Mum couldn’t stand the idea that she would want to have extra time with her dad and her family on her dad’s side. I have no idea what was said by her mum after that phone call but my DSD never asked her mum for extra time with us again and became a nervous wreck every time she was due to go home in case there was traffic and she was 5 minutes late as it would cause her mum to kick off (in front of DSD) at her dad. You really are just being incredibly selfish and it will come back to bite you on the bum - my DH has very limited interactions with my DSD now but when I spoke to her not long ago, she is already planning to either go to uni as far away from home as possible or to get a working visa to Australia/NZ.

(Purely to get as far away from her mum as possible)!

Are you actually shocked given what you have said on here ... that your ex doesn't trust you to stick to your word ?

Like really 🙄🤯

It sounds like to me that you are jealous. every parent has a right to their child if that child is safe and not being abused which your son isn’t. You can’t dictate what he does with your son just because you don’t like it and you also cannot stop your son from adapting to these things. It doesn’t work. It won’t help your son. It won’t help anything but make you look bitter.

everything he does you have an answer for instead of letting him see his son and staying out of his business.

It’s good in the long term for your child’s mental health to have a good relationship with his dad and his dad’s family. You need to put your own feelings aside, I understand that this is difficult, as your son’s wellbeing comes first. Your son is old enough to sense that you’re not happy with the current situation and the underlying tension, so he is probably agreeing with you to try and please you, this is just adding extra pressure on a child who’s parents are separated. Please help your child to understand that you’re very happy with him spending time with his dad and his new family.

@Hatsof

Anyway I did agree to the midweek thing this morning, said fine we will give it a go then and he replied saying he’s decided he wants to go court anyway cos he doesn’t trust I’ll keep to it and would rather it set in stone 🙄

Why the eye roll? You don't stick to the current arrangement. You make plans on his days with your son meaning he misses out on some of them.

Why on earth would he assume you'll stick to the new plan when you aren't sticking to the current one?

Honestly reading more of this I hope he takes you to court, they wipe the floor with you and he wins.

you are the worst kind of woman in the world.

my partner has a son, who he pushes our daughter out for who he demands this that and the other and the fact you would want another child/children and the other woman pushed out for your child is beyond me!! Blended family’s are a thing! He has the right to a life and he also should be mixing with more than just mummy and daddy and so what If baby takes up daddy’s time that is what they do! And Id say he was a pretty good dad for not just putting his eldest on a pedlestool it’s not just about him! 1-1 time does need to happen yes but not every waking moment of the time he’s got him.

nothing stops this being healthy but yourself! Are you that Insecure you can’t help it or is it because your sat home single and he’s got a life again now without you!!

Also my child’s dad does every other wekend and it works for us, the mother and the child. He gets every other weekend Quality time with both parents and the dad then gets time with his partner and younger child which the younger child and mother will need! You’ll fine he’ll probably start doing more 1-1 wirj your son too.

you’ve really got to grow up. If
mu child’s dad had his eldest every week I’d be fuming as I need my time with him too. But you don’t seem to care about anyone but yourself.

To be honest, I don't blame him for wanting it court ordered since you don't stick to the current arrangement and he misses time with his son.

I think all courts now require you to have attended mediation before getting to the stage of court. Why not give mediation a go again, this time with an open mind and an understanding that he is as entitled to time with his child as you are. The mediator can draft an agreement based on your discussions and have it signed by you both and a lawyer. It's not legally binding but if you do not follow it and he decides to take you to court it will go against you in court.

Make sure you include everything in it such as holidays, Xmas, birthdays etc. In my DSDs plan Xmas and birthday are alternated. So one year we have her Xmas eve until 2pm and the next her mum has her Xmas eve and we get her at 2pm on Xmas day. The same with birthdays. Both parents need to give notice if they would like DSD to attend a family party etc and it falls on the others day. The parent who is scheduled to have DSD that day has final say.

The fact is, when you separate from your child's other parent you lose some of the control of what happens with them. Whether you like it or not that's just how it is. You're never going to have everything your way so you just have to be fair.

He says he won’t do mediation again cos last time I had legal aid for it but he had to pay and he said he’s not willing to do that 🤷🏻‍♀️

But court will cost him a hell of a lot more than a mediation meeting.

I said that, and he said it won’t cos he’s representing himself

@Laurdo but you can't mediate with someone who wants their own way and isn't think about the child

if I was him I would also go to court. This situation is wholly of your own doing.

He can probably go straight to court now then if you have tried mediation. Assuming it failed as you don't sound like it went well.

Yep agreed. Been there with my DH and his lunatic ex.

She seems to have accepted that his request to have his son midweek isn't all that unreasonable and has agreed to it so maybe from that point of view and hopefully if any of what people have said on this thread has gone in, mediation might be more successful.

Totally don't blame him if he goes straight to court though. I guess he doesn't want to waste more money than is necessary on something that was previously unsuccessful, especially when it won't cost her a penny.

OP when you go to Court agree to the mid-week and every other weekend immediately.

It will then make the process as painless as possible for you.

Also be aware he may be told by friends/acquaintances/colleagues/fathers' groups to get a direct access barrister due to your behaviour in mediation.

If you have said anything you have mentioned on your posts on here to him in writing - so that includes email, text message or messaging apps - then it can and will be used against you. This means additional clauses can be added to the Child Arrangements Order.

In future before you open your mouth verbally or in writing to argue with him about contact with your joint son, sound out what you want with people to check what you are asking for is considered reasonable.

My solicitor advised me to self rep under similar circumstances - it was so clear cut that what I was asking was so ludicrously acceptable that she thought the judge would simply agree.

I went into court by myself and the judge almost laughed at the ridiculous demands of my ex. I left less than 30 mins later with exactly what I'd asked for.

OP your ex is making a very reasonable request that is almost certainly going to be approved. Challenging this with £££ legal representation is going to cost you a fortune and you will not get the outcome you want.

Unfortunately all in writing as we only communicate via email 😩

Starting to see I’ve been a bit stupid. Not sure how to sort this now 😩

Oh dear me it gets worse.

What additional clauses would there be?!

Seems fair enough. Get ready for court.

Apologise?