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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step son keeps walking in bedroom without knocking

158 replies

Toomuch80 · 02/07/2023 20:07

So, I have been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years, he has 2 children youngest is a 12 year old boy. Over the 9 years despite the home rules being you knock on parents bedroom doors and wait to be asked to come in before entered he never will do this. Last night he walked in again and as it was hot I was naked in bed- this is not the first time - he has no respect for privacy and as much as he knows he shouldn't be doing it he continues- it's really frustrating me- I don't see why I should have to sleep with clothes on and he can't just listen and knock !
What is this about ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MisschiefMaker · 04/07/2023 13:19

I used to wonder how so many men turn out so awful. Then I read threads like this and it's obvious. Such shockingly low standards of male behaviour.
The boy is TWELVE. Not three. He's experiencing puberty. He knows better. The DH needs to have a serious chat about boundaries. It's been doing the big a big disservice that he hasn't nipped this in the bud already.

And yes, put a bolt on the door but be clear to your DH that you shouldn't have to and that the onus is on him and his DS to change his behaviour, it shouldn't be on you.

ArcticSkewer · 04/07/2023 13:21

So you simultaneously believe he is doing this to make you leave and he also wants you to be there when he is there?

Why would you believe both these things at once?

You've got kids. Let the child have some alone time with his father. You know it's important. And if the dad just doesn't want to step up and parent, get rid as he is a waste of space

ZairWazAnOldLady · 04/07/2023 14:06

If I stay anywhere I expect to be able to change and rest without anyone but particularly males who I’m not in a relationship bursting into the room. I also expect everyone to shut the bathroom door. This is a very young man performing “male” all over the space. He needs to be taught how to treat women.

CatsSnore · 04/07/2023 14:27

I don't think he's performing male. It sounds like that he has poor attachment and his dad doesn't bother to make him feel secure so the poor kid is doing what he can to feel secure and loved.

I feel sorry for him, he's obviously feeling pretty desperate to feel safe. His dad isn't doing a great job of helping him by letting him do what he wants with no boundaries.

That doesn't mean that OP can't sit on the bed she regularly sleeps in naked with the door shut. The issue boils down to the dad not parenting properly.

Frogpond · 05/07/2023 06:00

RedHelenB · 04/07/2023 07:34

Yes, its not her house.

Show quote history

Fair enough. Would use a wedge under the door.

WaitingfortheTardis · 05/07/2023 06:10

The thing is you say very clearly that he has always done this, so the behaviour isn't new even if you do find it frustrating. Yet you still decided to sleep naked rather than just in a loose cotton t-shirt or something. I think that is actually fairly inappropriate of you.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 05/07/2023 06:35

Op probably still chooses to be in the house when the manspreading young man shits with the door open. Perhaps she should just wait in the car in case he needs any more space. Honestly this is ridiculous. If it was a girl shitting with the door open and bursting into her stepfathers bedroom nobody would be suggesting she couldn’t modify her behaviour. He absolutely CAN shut the bathroom door and knock before he enters private spaces. Being “kind” isn’t accommodating this it’s enforcing boundaries.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 05/07/2023 07:07

You are not married to his dad so not his stepmum firstly. Secondly it is your partner that needs to deal with this in the most logical and rational way and explain to the kid for a final time that that is his private and personal space and he knocks before he enters but I would suggest he gets a lock on the door too. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

Whataretheodds · 05/07/2023 07:11

Secondly it is your partner that needs to deal with this in the most logical and rational way

See, i disagree with this. OP's partner needs absolutely to back her up and reinforce, but they can't have a situation where he is the only one who has agency/can apply boundaries, where she's just the little woman who has to run to her partner for power.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 08:07

"You are not married to his dad so not his stepmum firstly."

God, I hate it when people say this!

Neverinamonthofsundays · 05/07/2023 08:20

Why? It is the truth.

Original poster

Toomuch80 · 05/07/2023 08:30

No we are not married, but engaged and have been for 3 years we get married next year and we will be living in the same home permanently then. What is wrong with attempting to address the privacy aspect of all of this before this happens.
Also on the step mum front I am the only positive, non toxic female in this child's life I would say I am and have been functioning as his step mum for a very long time.

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 05/07/2023 08:52

I think it is completely fine to think of yourself as a step mum, you have been in his life 9 years, it’s all pretty permanent!

Meeting · 05/07/2023 08:56

Neverinamonthofsundays · 05/07/2023 07:07

What gives you the right to dictate people's families? I imagine you think all children with unmarried parents are bastards too.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 09:07

@Neverinamonthofsundays How do you feel about the children of unmarried couples?

Neverinamonthofsundays · 05/07/2023 10:15

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 09:07

@Neverinamonthofsundays How do you feel about the children of unmarried couples?

My children are fine with us not being married even the eldest who is not my DP's biological child. He does not refer to him as his stepdad either on account of the fact we are not married as yet.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 05/07/2023 10:16

Meeting · 05/07/2023 08:56

What gives you the right to dictate people's families? I imagine you think all children with unmarried parents are bastards too.

Show quote history

No I would never refer to my kids as that. Vile word.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 10:18

@Neverinamonthofsundays Well, bastards is what they are. Because their parents are not married.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 05/07/2023 10:19

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 10:18

@Neverinamonthofsundays Well, bastards is what they are. Because their parents are not married.

You seem a delight.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 10:25

@Neverinamonthofsundays Just pointing out the facts of my children-and, apparently,yours. Just as you are saying that a woman can never be called a stepmother, however long and lovingly she has taken that role, because she is not married.

Notamum12345577 · 05/07/2023 10:26

He is a 12 year old boy, you aren’t related to him. So maybe he is trying to get some mental images for ‘personal time’ later on?

Makemyday99 · 05/07/2023 10:32

Why can’t you tell him off firmly enough that he knows not to do it again? You are allowed to discipline him

NewNameNigel · 05/07/2023 12:03

Notamum12345577 · 05/07/2023 10:26

He is a 12 year old boy, you aren’t related to him. So maybe he is trying to get some mental images for ‘personal time’ later on?

This was what I thought.

Posters earlier saying that a 12 year old boy hasn't started puberty etc must have short memories. I remember being at school and 12 year old boys pinging bra straps and groping girls for sexual gratification.

They aren't innocent little angels at this age.

wildfirewonder · 05/07/2023 12:15

Notamum12345577 · 05/07/2023 10:26

He is a 12 year old boy, you aren’t related to him. So maybe he is trying to get some mental images for ‘personal time’ later on?

The stepmum is old and has a position of responsibility.

Sexualising boys is no more acceptable than sexualising girls. What you are saying is gross.

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 05/07/2023 12:29

Afternoon, all. Just a request to keep posts to answering the OP's question. This thread seems to have gone a bit off the rails into discussions about what constitutes a 'stepmum' and it seems a bit unfair on the OP that that discussion is derailing things. Could we draw a line under all that now? Thanks!

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