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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son keeps walking in bedroom without knocking

158 replies

Toomuch80 · 02/07/2023 20:07

So, I have been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years, he has 2 children youngest is a 12 year old boy. Over the 9 years despite the home rules being you knock on parents bedroom doors and wait to be asked to come in before entered he never will do this. Last night he walked in again and as it was hot I was naked in bed- this is not the first time - he has no respect for privacy and as much as he knows he shouldn't be doing it he continues- it's really frustrating me- I don't see why I should have to sleep with clothes on and he can't just listen and knock !
What is this about ?

OP posts:
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BallantyneValentine · 04/07/2023 07:40

We put a latch on our door because 2 of our kids knock but the youngest doesn’t and even the do knock usually walk in as they knock. You deserve privacy but this is easily sorted.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 04/07/2023 07:41

Take his bedroom door off

If you can't have privacy neither can he

He needs to learn boundaries and he is deliberately breaking them.

This doesn't bode well for him as an adult if he can just ignore people's requests and walk all over their boundaries.

WildfirePonie · 04/07/2023 07:43

Stop staying over when he is around. It's creepy and weird. I would not put up with this.

nomoretoriesforme · 04/07/2023 07:50

You are demonising a poor child. I feel genuinely sorry for him.

CurlewKate · 04/07/2023 07:53

Not the main point- but I don't get the sleeping naked when there are children in the house thing. What if someone throws up or has a nightmare? What if you just need to go to the loo in the night?

TheCatterall · 04/07/2023 07:57

Does your partner ever set this boundary of privacy?

does your partner allow it whilst you aren’t around?

sounds more like a DP issue than child.

SheilaFentiman · 04/07/2023 08:01

CurlewKate · 04/07/2023 07:53

Not the main point- but I don't get the sleeping naked when there are children in the house thing. What if someone throws up or has a nightmare? What if you just need to go to the loo in the night?

The kids are 12 and older, if someone needs to throw on a dressing gown before responding to a sound of vomiting, that won’t slow things much.

Also, the DP would presumably go and may sleep in boxers etc

Meeting · 04/07/2023 08:03

Absolutely get a lock and follow through with punishments. He's doing it deliberately and it's not on.

Meeting · 04/07/2023 08:03

CurlewKate · 04/07/2023 07:53

Not the main point- but I don't get the sleeping naked when there are children in the house thing. What if someone throws up or has a nightmare? What if you just need to go to the loo in the night?

Do you own a dressing gown?

Mustbethewine · 04/07/2023 08:06

IceCreamQueen86 · 03/07/2023 07:48

despite the home rules being you knock on parents bedroom doors and wait to be asked to come in before entered

  1. Get a lock
  2. You should be knocking on his door too & modelling the behaviour you want. A 12 year old boy also needs privacy

This.

OneTimeUseName · 04/07/2023 08:07

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2023 22:59

Predatory??! He’s 12. He probably hasn’t even hit puberty yet.

Show quote history

My brother was 11 or 12 when he sexually molested me. You are very naive if you think a 12 year old boy can't be predatory.

DreamItDoIt · 04/07/2023 08:26

DP and child issue.

Your threat to him was empty and he knows it. I bet his father wouldn't back you up if you took his Xbox away? Does your DP tell him it's unacceptable in a serious tone?

You need to get a lock - will be interesting to see what your DP says about that.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 04/07/2023 09:06

Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:10

Yes I do
I think its a control or humiliation tactic to force me out of the house.
I do not live here permanently however I am here most of the time- I feel he is trying to make me feel uncomfortable so I don't come round here at all- we have a good relationship but he's obsessed with his father in a unhealthy way- I always give them all the time in the world to do dad and son things and they do that alot but as soon as his dad sits by me or gives me any attention he sulks and starts misbehaving etc
It's an odd set up- and alot due to poor parenting I believe even though I've tried to address it multiple times he has a conversation with him and within 4 weeks it reverts back to how it was
Today I have said the next time he enters the bedroom without knocking and waiting I will tell him off and take his xbox for 1 week .....we shall see

Why are you with his father if this is how you think of his son? Please just leave this family alone.

TwoLittleDucks22 · 04/07/2023 09:38

CurlewKate · 04/07/2023 07:53

Not the main point- but I don't get the sleeping naked when there are children in the house thing. What if someone throws up or has a nightmare? What if you just need to go to the loo in the night?

That is madness. You wouldn't sleep how you wanted to sleep in a heatwave in case someone threw up?

CindersAgain · 04/07/2023 09:54

TwoLittleDucks22 · 04/07/2023 09:38

That is madness. You wouldn't sleep how you wanted to sleep in a heatwave in case someone threw up?

Show quote history

Yeah, you can just throw on a dressing gown.

SheilaFentiman · 04/07/2023 10:01

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 04/07/2023 09:06

Why are you with his father if this is how you think of his son? Please just leave this family alone.

Show quote history

This is pretty harsh, they have been together 9 years, she’s been in the boy’s life since he was 3!

bucketoflego · 04/07/2023 10:01

The way I read it was the OP has much older children who live in the house she owns, they are old enough to be left alone so she lives between the two houses. For all we know they could be away half the year at uni so I can see why they haven't blended their families into one house.

I have teen/uni aged children, I sleep naked with the door shut because they know to fucking knock just like we knock on their doors. I know Ds1 sleeps naked in hot weather because he told us. Everyone in this house shuts their bedroom door to sleep. I don't need to leave my room to use the loo as I have an en-suite.

Yousee · 04/07/2023 10:02

My 4 year old knows to knock before going into our room or his sister's room so I'm genuinely baffled by all the "poor boy" commentary about a 12 year old being expected to do the same.
What are you all bringing up??

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/07/2023 10:15

What has dp said ?

MyTruthIsOut · 04/07/2023 10:16

You are getting some really ridiculous replies here OP.

Of course YANBU!

My two children are 5 and 9 and they always knock before they come into our bedroom when it’s night time / early morning.

Im sure in a previous post you said there were other issues about how he is with you? Do you have any examples? A bigger and more clearer picture may help people see the wider dynamic and give more valid responses?

FWIW, I think the son is going this on purpose and doing it to exert some kind of power. An 8 year old may be absent minded and regularly forget about the knocking on the door rule, but a 12 year old lad? I think not! He knows what he’s doing.

CatsSnore · 04/07/2023 10:32

Of course you are allowed to sleep naked if you want too. I sleep naked and have two older teens. I've always slept naked and it's not hard to put a dressing gown on to pop to the loo in the night etc. I tend to risk it but I know whether they're up and about or in their rooms.

My dc have always knocked if my bedroom door is closed. It's open a lot of the time. They also don't want to catch me naked if I'm getting dressed/doing a tan etc as neither of them want to see me like that.

I would ask him why he wants to see me naked? It's a bit odd. My son at 12 would have cringed at the thought of seeing me let alone opened my closed door to actually see.

I do think his issue is his dad isn't making him feel particularly safe or wanted so he's trying to feel that his dad wants him still. This is a dp/dh problem and not a dss problem really.

Original poster
Toomuch80 · 04/07/2023 10:42

Yes agree with everything you have said here.
There are other dynamics as you would expect in a family trying to blend most of this happened early in relationship and over time we have managed to all find good working ways forward.
The only thing after 9 whole years is the bedroom and privacy issue. One issue that is also prevalent is step son leaving the toilet door open when he goes to use the actual toilet, I don't do this, his dad doesn't do it and no matter how many conversations have been had he doesn't listen - this isn't an overly strict household things are pretty much relaxed and fun but I would stipulate my parenting skills are different to partners.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuch80 · 04/07/2023 10:47

And to add he is going through early stages of puberty earlier than other kids ! His dad did too
Is it curisoity? I really don't know but I'm just not comfortable with it.
In terms of partner he addresses things and then weeks later it's all forgotten about - consistency in maintaining certain boundaries is an issue always has been.

OP posts:
Countingdowntodecember · 04/07/2023 10:55

It sounds annoying but I’m not sure it’s as deep as you think. I was terrible for just walking in on my mum and my dad/stepmum at that age… no weird ulterior motive, I was just preoccupied with whatever I wanted (kids can be pretty self absorbed!).

I wouldn’t sleep naked with children in the house for this reason.

To be fair, my parents concern was more that I woke them up than privacy. Maybe get a lock on your door if you are bothered about him seeing you undressed.

ArcticSkewer · 04/07/2023 11:01

Why do you always go over when he is there instead of letting him have 1:1 time with his dad? It sounds like you deliberately time your overnights to coincide with his time with his dad. If you really do think this is deliberate, perhaps he would appreciate some time without you there - you could stay at your own house then?

A lock is such an obvious solution to this particular problem that I wonder why your partner hasn't sorted it already.