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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son keeps walking in bedroom without knocking

158 replies

Toomuch80 · 02/07/2023 20:07

So, I have been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years, he has 2 children youngest is a 12 year old boy. Over the 9 years despite the home rules being you knock on parents bedroom doors and wait to be asked to come in before entered he never will do this. Last night he walked in again and as it was hot I was naked in bed- this is not the first time - he has no respect for privacy and as much as he knows he shouldn't be doing it he continues- it's really frustrating me- I don't see why I should have to sleep with clothes on and he can't just listen and knock !
What is this about ?

OP posts:
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Set a reminder
CindersAgain · 03/07/2023 22:17

Do you knock on his door? You should, as mentioned above.

I suppose you could try a piece of paper pinned on the door that says ‘knock!’. And then get a lock.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 03/07/2023 22:17

Kick a rubber door stop under from the inside.. Job done.
We have a bit of wood to shove under for night time shenanigans!

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:18

Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:16

I don't believe it does - this is one example of many things that happen so I feel very warranted in stating this

Hard to imagine why he would want you out of the house Hmm

Original poster
Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:18

Normally wants to come in the bedroom to get his dad out of the room- nothing sexual is happening in the room between us - 9 times out of ten it's early in the morning and we are sleeping or we have just gone to bed room sleep and he trys to get his dad out of the bedroom for some reason

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:20

Jealousy.....wanting his dads undivided attention - this seems to be what it tends to look like

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:21

Always 100% knock on his door and wait for him to verbally state I can enter- this happens very rarely as I have no need to enter his personal room

OP posts:
wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:21

Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:18

Normally wants to come in the bedroom to get his dad out of the room- nothing sexual is happening in the room between us - 9 times out of ten it's early in the morning and we are sleeping or we have just gone to bed room sleep and he trys to get his dad out of the bedroom for some reason

Maybe he wants to speak to his dad? Or show him something?

These are normal things that kids do.

Yes, some parents have strict bedroom boundaries but the child's dad clearly does not and in that situation I think it is fucking weird you won't just put some clothes on - a lot of parents wear pyjamas when they have kids for this very reason.

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:23

Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:20

Jealousy.....wanting his dads undivided attention - this seems to be what it tends to look like

Presumably when you are not there he has a nicer time, because he is able to just talk to his dad without the grumpy naked woman in the room?!

You surely understand it can be quite shit for kids when the girlfriend spoils the fun?

Original poster
Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:27

I'm.not his girlfriend I'm the child's stepmum, as I've said we have a good relationship and if I choose to.sleep naked in a.private adult room thats up to me especially when it's hot, manners and boundaries are good for children- unfair comment you are entitled to it

OP posts:
ZairWazAnOldLady · 03/07/2023 22:29

He’s 12 not 6, it’s definitely on purpose. People do things that work for them. Make it stop working. If coming to your room gets him 1:1 with his dad, tension between you and dp, you not liking it, then it’s all win for him. What about you walk him back to his room, dp tells you how kind you are, and you smile happily. He’s a child you can manage this.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/07/2023 22:31

Lock on door

Partner, his dad needs to support you and make clear

Knock

Wait for answer

Do not enter

Why does he come in early into your room

Tell him not to enter before 730/8 etx

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:33

Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:27

I'm.not his girlfriend I'm the child's stepmum, as I've said we have a good relationship and if I choose to.sleep naked in a.private adult room thats up to me especially when it's hot, manners and boundaries are good for children- unfair comment you are entitled to it

You said you didn't live there the whole time - where are you staying when you are not there? That made it sound like you are a girlfriend not a permanent resident.

If your DP (or is it your DH?) does not enforce the door knocking when you are not there, then the kid understandably doesn't respect the rule.

You need to work this out with your DP because you are on a hiding to nothing with this, IMO.

You don't seem to understand step family dynamics.

GiraffeLaSophie · 03/07/2023 22:34

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:21

Maybe he wants to speak to his dad? Or show him something?

These are normal things that kids do.

Yes, some parents have strict bedroom boundaries but the child's dad clearly does not and in that situation I think it is fucking weird you won't just put some clothes on - a lot of parents wear pyjamas when they have kids for this very reason.

Show quote history

But surely once everyone is in bed that’s it until morning, unless there’s some kind of emergency? That’s normal, isn’t it? I have a really good relationship with my stepdaughters (and I wear pyjamas!) but I wouldn’t expect one of them to randomly turn up in our bedroom in the night or really early in the morning to talk to DP/show him something unless something bad had happened and fortunately that shouldn’t happen very often.

I guess it’s common to mirror what you’re used to though. I knocked before going into my parents room, and they did the same for me. I go into DSDs room while they’re not here to put their washing in there, etc. but I always knock if I know they’re in there.

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:38

GiraffeLaSophie · 03/07/2023 22:34

But surely once everyone is in bed that’s it until morning, unless there’s some kind of emergency? That’s normal, isn’t it? I have a really good relationship with my stepdaughters (and I wear pyjamas!) but I wouldn’t expect one of them to randomly turn up in our bedroom in the night or really early in the morning to talk to DP/show him something unless something bad had happened and fortunately that shouldn’t happen very often.

I guess it’s common to mirror what you’re used to though. I knocked before going into my parents room, and they did the same for me. I go into DSDs room while they’re not here to put their washing in there, etc. but I always knock if I know they’re in there.

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If the dad is happy with it, why would the kid not do it?

Clearly in this house the father is not enforcing the girlfriend's rule. The girlfriend will therefore lose. The issue is a relationship one.

Original poster
Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:39

My step son sees me here everytime he is as we spend time together to as a family and we make it as wholesome and family wise as we can for him. Sometimes so they have time together I will stay here and they will go out and have dad and son time too so they have enough time just them too. I understand the dynamic completely I have been doing it long enough - this bedroom thing is the thing that is not changing or improving hence why I posted in the first place

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 03/07/2023 22:40

Sounds like he doesn't have to knock when it's just his Dad there.
And his Dad is always available to him at any hour.

Do you never have to go to his room to tell him dinner is ready or it's time to go to get up for school or whatever?

How many nights does the lad live there and how nights are you there, in the average week?

It does sound like he likes to check his Dad is still available to him.
His Dad needs to reassure him but also state that if you are staying over, he should knock.

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:45

Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 22:39

My step son sees me here everytime he is as we spend time together to as a family and we make it as wholesome and family wise as we can for him. Sometimes so they have time together I will stay here and they will go out and have dad and son time too so they have enough time just them too. I understand the dynamic completely I have been doing it long enough - this bedroom thing is the thing that is not changing or improving hence why I posted in the first place

You said I do not live here permanently however I am here most of the time - meaning you have another place to stay - a home of your own?

Your issue is your DP does not enforce the rule. It is not something you can resolve - you need your DP to deal with it, because he is the child's father.

I think the sensible thing to do would be wear pyjamas until your DP has come round to your view. You are not going to gain anything by trying to enforce this yourself.

TimeToMoveIt · 03/07/2023 22:48

He's doing it on purpose. The majority of boys his age would knock first as they wouldn't want to see a naked mum/step mum

GiraffeLaSophie · 03/07/2023 22:53

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 22:38

If the dad is happy with it, why would the kid not do it?

Clearly in this house the father is not enforcing the girlfriend's rule. The girlfriend will therefore lose. The issue is a relationship one.

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To be honest I think knowing that one of my parents/step parents slept naked would have put me off going into their room as a teenager, even if they were happy with me coming in!

But you’re right, now he’s had the conversation with his son he needs to actually enforce the rule. If he’s not going to do that then there’s no point in having the conversation.

Shoemadlady · 03/07/2023 22:57

Toomuch80 · 03/07/2023 21:59

I don't have enough time to shout I'm naked , he's like a ninja ....like he's creeping up to the door and before you know it he's in the room !

That sounds like he's doing it on purpose and I don't like that at all, it sounds almost predatory if so. Something about it makes my spidey senses tingle and I don't know why?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2023 22:59

Shoemadlady · 03/07/2023 22:57

That sounds like he's doing it on purpose and I don't like that at all, it sounds almost predatory if so. Something about it makes my spidey senses tingle and I don't know why?

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Predatory??! He’s 12. He probably hasn’t even hit puberty yet.

Shoemadlady · 03/07/2023 23:02

Predatory??! He’s 12. He probably hasn’t even hit puberty yet.

We have all read and watched news of issues and some have been unfortunate to have been on the receiving end of inappropriate behaviour. Yes by a 12 year old or even younger.

momonpurpose · 03/07/2023 23:06

Definitely a lock on the door! He's too old for this nonsense whether he is your step son or bio son I'd say the same
You have every right to sleep naked or anything else in your bedroom

2bazookas · 03/07/2023 23:09

do you live there? If you're just a visitor I'd say he'sdeliberately reminding you it's his home not yours.

I'd be very tempted to get out of bed stark naked, pursue him to his room and embarrass the hell out of him.

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 23:12

Shoemadlady · 03/07/2023 22:57

That sounds like he's doing it on purpose and I don't like that at all, it sounds almost predatory if so. Something about it makes my spidey senses tingle and I don't know why?

Show quote history

Oh FGS. It is a 12yo boy.