SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

[Tryingoworkitout79]

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

He's actually almost 3 years older than her

And this so perfectly and succinctly sums up how absolutely batshit this post (and society) has become. Full support to @GCalltheway for trying so hard to make people see sense. And OP, you are coping with this amazingly well, just keep that laser focus on your DD and her needs, and I'm sure you will get through this together

You have a 100% made the right call. In a clear eyed, calm manner.

No amount of ‘talks’ are going to guarantee dd’s safety ultimately. I think you also saying this isn’t out of character, just an escalation. I wouldn’t let this child within a country mile of mine - you would be basically enabling your own child’s abuse by allowing any contact.

His mothers reaction is the most disturbing of all, no wonder you are all in this position.

• I mean the post/chat in general, not @JudgeAnderson post, which I wholeheartedly agree with!!

Can I just say, it is effing amazing to read about such a proactive mum who is putting her child first at the risk of her relationship.

This may be a "small" incident, but it is a big deal and could potentially lead to something catastrophic if DSS is left to his own devices.

You setting such strong boundaries immediately is so admirable and I just wanted to say well done!

A lot of us didn't have parents that put us first and let much worse things happen. Things that impact us for the rest of our lives.

Yes you mailed it there.
The boy/man gets prioritised and often the mother’s relationship too at the expense of her children. The children become fodder and their suffering an irrelevance.

I second that 💪🏻

Well done for protecting your daughter OP.

As the mother of a son let me tell you I would be HORRIFIED if anyone told me my son did this and he would be having a lot of talks around how this is not ok, why wait till an adult is out the room (tells me he knew it was wrong and to be covered up), consent etc. These parents are failing their child hugely if they don’t handle this now. His mother sounds awful. We already have conversations about consent and private areas and we have a toddler!

I am a CSA survivor and my abuser was an older sibling and so I started conversations young with my own children about what is and isn’t ok. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for protecting your girl. I wish my parents had protected me and that I could have told them.

Natural curiosity I find strange in an 8 year old. If children have been raised with openness around these things then he would know what he did isn’t ok but sounds like instead it’s swept under the rug by his mother. I hope his dad handles this now!

I agree, amazing mother who is handling this perfectly and putting her daughter first.

I’m going to have to step away from this thread.

The posters attacking those stressing that protecting the little girl is most important, by saying they clearly have issues against boys and men, should be ashamed. And I really hope they don’t have daughters. Or any women or girls around them.

Thank you indoorcat GCal Sexnot, Judge and other posters, the support and kindness is very appreciated.

For me, what needs to happen from my side is clear and a no brainer. Strong boundaries and feeling safe and secure are paramount. DD absolutely deserves that.

When I was 6, a boy in my class asked me to come with him into an outbuilding on the school field as he had “something to show me.” Being innocent and trusting, I went. Once inside, my arms were grabbed by 2 or 3 other boys, who I didn’t know, and they pulled down my knickers and all had a good look and a laugh. I don’t know if they touched me - I can’t remember. They were either the same year as me, or maybe a year older, but no more, as it was an infants’ school.

When I got away I went and told a dinner lady, who told me not to make a fuss. I never mentioned it for more than 40 years - until, while receiving safeguarding training, I realised that what I had experienced was a sexual assault.

Did it affect me? Hell, yes! It’s probably the reason why, as soon as any man showed any sign of interest in me, I ran a mile. All of my relationships have been ones in which I took the initiative - so I could be in control. It made me scared and jumpy, and quite probably contributed to my binge eating problem which started not long afterwards.

And that is one single incident, which happened when I was 6. Exacerbated, I imagine, by the response of the adult who told me not to make a fuss.

I’m so glad for your daughter, OP, that you didn’t make the same mistake my dinner lady did. I was told it was no big deal - effectively that boys/men can do whatever they want to me, and I should just put up with it. Your daughter has been affirmed in her instinct that it was not OK, and that she can talk to you about things that upset her. That will go a long way to protecting her from long-lasting effects. And while PP are right that your SS’s behaviour prompts concern that he may have been on the receiving end or a witness to abusive/sexual behaviour himself - that is not your responsibility. It’s for his parents to deal with - and it sounds like his father at least is taking it seriously.

Years later, I contacted a sexual abuse support service and talked about what had happened. The worker said “it was an abusive experience.” There and then, my feelings were validated. And that makes a big difference.

By getting this so right now you might find dd comes out of this stronger, better informed about her own boundaries and safety. She has also learnt that when she talks to her mother she becomes safer, better protected and confident that she can count on her main caregiver. That she is always prioritised.

This is absolutely invaluable to her. She will know from this that you genuinely put her first op.

It’s the waiting till you left the room I can’t get over. That makes me feel really sick along with a pattern of lying. Yes he is 8, but 8 is old enough to understand consequences.

**Indoorcatmum · Today 14:30
Can I just say, it is effing amazing to read about such a proactive mum who is putting her child first at the risk of her relationship.

This may be a "small" incident, but it is a big deal and could potentially lead to something catastrophic if DSS is left to his own devices.

You setting such strong boundaries immediately is so admirable and I just wanted to say well done!

A lot of us didn't have parents that put us first and let much worse things happen. Things that impact us for the rest of our lives.**

100%. Well done mum for protecting your little girl. Bless her little heart x

JRTFT and am physically cringing at the epic levels of minimising from some posters.

I simply don't believe that an 8yo thought this was OK in any way. As others have said, he waited until they were alone and then ignored DD when she said no.

His mother's reaction is going to make this so much worse. Because she should want to understand where this has come from and address it, at the very least to help him.

I hope your DP gets a supportive response from the school.

But more than anything, DD needs protecting and should be praised for speaking up, and supported to help her protect herself - things that parents of most 5-year-olds shouldn't have to worry about.

Well done @Tryingoworkitout79 for being so calm and clear in your response to this.

Well done for moving so quickly and decisively to protect your DD, OP. I was also going to suggest NSPCC PANTS as an excellent resource to help her set boundaries and understand her right to bodily autonomy in an age-appropriate way.

Your DP is also right to speak to his DS's school and he needs to flag the issue as a possible safeguarding matter. Within the wider context of other concerning behaviours it may be a red flag. This is a concern for him rather than you but the first place to look is his main home with his mother, and any adults who have access to it.

If his mother continues to justify and enable his behaviour he’s going to be terror and a danger towards girls and women.

No way would that child be near my DD again, well done OP for being so proactive and putting your girl first 💕

Thanks OP for putting your daughters safety front and centre. A whole bunch of stuff happened to me as a child which my parents ( especially father) ignored or minimised later. Would have felt very different to have been protected.

I also remember going to the toilets at school with a boy when I must have been 6 at most, it was mutually agreed and we satisfied our respective curiosity about the other sex. I remember not touching, just looking.

Puzzled your post made me cry, I'm so sorry. But I'm so glad that now you have that validation. You're very brave

I have to second this. My SD’s behaviours were becoming weirder and weirder. Most notably the lying but also odd behaviours with food. Also good at charming and distracting other adults from the obvious weirdness.

I raised it with my husband and we tried to raise it with the school but we were smacked down pretty hard with a lot of talk about how if mum says everything is fine, everything is fine and that dads should stay out of it. We were shocked at the way my husband was spoken to and I’m ashamed to say, we did back off.

Around 1 year later, it all came out. Mum’s boyfriend: hitting; shouting; booze; cocaine; cold showers; food being withheld. My SD in particular was being targeted, as the eldest of all of their combined children, and made to “stay awake” all night. To this day I do not fully understand it. But I still feel crushing guilt that I didn’t walk into that school and scream until my SD’s abuse was seen because I KNEW something was wrong.

Sorry for the minor hijacking.

Thank you all. Crying now (bit pathetic), it's going to be okay. And DD will
be okay x

That's okay Downwith! it sounds horrendous for her, I'm glad it finally all came out

OP just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing. In my opinion the best course of action is to talk to your daughters school who should then inform social services. SS will likely start with the assumption that this is just child exploration, will talk to both children to find out all the facts (including if the ss is a victim of anything untoward too) and go from there.

Everyone saying just talk to him, dont keep him away from the home etc, unfortunately its a chance you can't take. At 9 my eldest showed behaviour towards his sister (5) when playing that worried my husband (both are his step children). To myself and my family it was just close siblings playing (he was tickling her legs where she was ticklish). But like other step parents on here, my husband had a feeling that something was just 'off' in general. He also displays similar traits to OPs ss (manipulation, charm towards adults etc). It was just put down to him being a child at the time.
Then when he was 12 he was found to have been abusing his step brother (his dads step child, its maybe relevant to mention he was never inappropriate with my dd). The biggest regret I have is that I didnt listen to my husband, if I'd listened at the time we may have been able to deal with the behaviour before an innocent child got hurt.
Thats why you need to inform social services. Unfortunately don't expect much from them (we've been fighting for help for over 4 years) but they should at least talk to both children and hopefully find out whats going on. This is even more important as his mum is being ignorant/in denial. It may just be what they class as normal child exploration but SS deal with this issue surprisingly often and will know what to do.