SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

[Tryingoworkitout79]

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

You still haven’t answered if you would leave your 5 year old dd in this situation with your boyfriends older son?

So you have no responsibility for the care of a stepchild who is 8 years old, when you live with them half the time? Nonsense.

Give me a break, the time for "responsibility for your step child" arguments ends when they sexually assault your own child FFS. She's not going to be living with him half the time anymore, because she's not going to be seeing him.

He doesn’t live there half the time!
Its EOW
Op isn’t married - they are not step siblings

This is the older son of her boyfriend, and op should not be involved with informing the school, punishing him, she has no authority to do anything and should focus on keeping her own child safe. I don’t know why you would think anything else is appropriate?

Yep, there’s no talking to some people who believe we have a pedophile on the loose who needs school, the nspcc and social services involved. He’s also to be permantently banned from seeing his half sister.

Clearly what he did was wrong, and action has to be taken. But the boy is being social media lynched on here.

What situation are you referring to?

This is an awful comparison.

Of course this needs to be dealt with seriously and OP is best placed to know what this looks like, at minimum not allowing time alone but quite possibly up to and including cutting off all contact. It's concerning to have people minimising this.

BUT it's also concerning so many posters equating this 'young for his age' 8 year old child with a predator - in this case a 15 year old predator. These are real children.

It’s not his half sister

Yep, there’s no talking to some people who believe we have a pedophile on the loose who needs school, the nspcc and social services involved. He’s also to be permantently banned from seeing his half sister.

She's not his bloody half sister. They are two unrelated children. Yes he can be around children again and no doubt he will, but it does not need to be the child he sexually assaulted, she has no need to have a relationship with him.

I will repeat for the 5th time.

Would you leave your 5 year old dd with a boy 3 years older than her who forced into exposure? Would you consider that a safe and healthy environment for YOUR child?

Do you think if a male friend of yours at work asked to see your vulva and you said no, so he forced it, you would be impacted? If so, why on earth would you think a little girl would be LESS impacted?

I think there might be some disingenuous posters on here for the wrong reasons op.

Because they’ve been together for 2 years.

Because she should care that her step son who she’s known since he was 6 years old, might be being abused by someone?

Not sure what you’re struggling with, but for an adult to turn a blind eye to potential red flags that a child in her life is potentially being abused is not ok.

Of course she needs to protect her DD. But most normal people would want to ensure the little boy is not being abused either

Exactly two years!
Why would anyone choose this over the well being over their own child? Thankfully not op.

Are upon having trouble reading that the child’s father is informing the school and taking care of his own son.

**You having trouble

He’s a child of 7.

What he did was wrong. He needs to know that and not repeat it. That’s whether he’s her brother, half brother, step brother or stranger.

You still haven’t answered !!

Would you leave your 5year old in this situation?

This has to be handled so maturely but also sensitively. I do think that for your SS it’s not a case of writing him off just yet. I do think you are right to make some changes, and if you feel it’s best then yes him having his time just with his father is fine.

However this boy is going to be in your life forever. And there will be family meet ups. I think it is also in your families and SS and his fathers interests to monitor this, explore and go through ‘safe body’ ability to say no etc at regular intervals for the next year or so. Both of you with your own kids.

Establish very safe boundaries for all of them. Don’t just rely on the school.

Exploring other’s differences could well be in the realms of ‘normal’ curiosity, or it may be some confusion with SS or something else. This all needs teasing out. If I were the father I think I’d be able to talk to an 8 year old about the incident calmly. But also if you feel that it needs this, definitely phone NSPCC and contact social services who may be able to offer some good advice or let you know who you could contact. Social services really only deal with serious cases but you never know, they may have some early intervention / prevention advice!

So give yourselves time, separate for now. Establish good boundaries with all children and then review in a few months?

‘This is boy is going to be in your life forever’

How on earth did you come to that conclusion? It’s a two year old relationship not a 25 year marriage!

Op can, and probably should, just walk away.

*Because they’ve been together for 2 years.

Because she should care that her step son who she’s known since he was 6 years old, might be being abused by someone?

Not sure what you’re struggling with, but for an adult to turn a blind eye to potential red flags that a child in her life is potentially being abused is not ok.

Of course she needs to protect her DD. But most normal people would want to ensure the little boy is not being abused either*

He has two parents to ensure he is not being abused. It is absolutely ridiculous to think that the parent of a child he goes on to abuse, should be concerning themselves with whether he was also being abused.

Frankly I'd want nothing more to do with him. That's not to say everyone in his life should feel that way. But it's totally appropriate for OP to.

@GCalltheway well the boy is going to be around forever whether with the OP or not. And so his father taking on a lot of work with his kid around boundaries is a good thing is it not? The boy is young enough for him to be helped, worked with, told what is OK and what is not OK. And if the OP does stay with him, which she may well do, then they cant’ just react and forget about it. It’s a long term ensuring of boundaries.

He’s 2 years older her.

I find it incredible, and quite depressing, how quickly the focus of this thread has shifted from the tiny vulnerable girl who has been the victim of an abusive act, to the welfare of her abuser.

I think it’s clear she would, many parents do because they prioritise the boy/man, and then we grow up and find society does the same when it happens to grown women too.

Thank you, some really sound and helpful advice, I'm grateful.

Whilst I'm not demonising SS and I do care, as others have said, he has two capable parents -and an extended involved family- who can intervene (which is what his Dad is doing with the school).
My focus and attention is on DD, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's the way it is.

As I've said in earlier posts, SS displays other concerning behaviours but they have all paled in comparison to this.
He's not being 'written off' but why the hell would I actively choose (now that I know) to subject my daughter to what she's experienced.

I personally don't think a 'talk' will do it as he, in my experience, doesn't understand 'no' in other situations or he just chooses to ignore it. Again, I'm not demonising him, but it's his parents who need to step up.

Of course the boy needs plenty of support, education, help and an investigation most importantly to check he isn’t/hasn’t been abused himself. This is paramount. He may need more intervention too. I expect his parents will want to take a proactive approach to assist their child as much as they can.

However this is not ops job at all.
No one is around ‘forever’ 🙄