SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

[Tryingoworkitout79]

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

Look at the PANTS thing online, it's very good. I used it to teach my daughters.

Let’s talk about the consequences to the victims.

Children that have been violated or abused in childhood are more prone to:

Suicide and attempted suicide
Develop moderate to severe mental health issues, some may be life long
Disassociation of their bodies
More likely to be in violent and risky relationships as adults
More likely to develop eating disorders or disordered eating
Unable to form secure intimate relationships
Develop auto immune diseases and other issues related to the central nervous system
Depression and GAD
Emotional regulation is impacted
PTSD
Shame and on going issues around sexual intimacy, self esteem and self worth

I could go on.

What mother in her right mind would ever knowingly choose to risk it?

If it was her brother are people suggesting an 8 year old brother should be evicted from the family home.

He’s 8, that’s the point, he’s likely curious, as boys and girls are. It’s a disproportionate response the actions suggested.

So his age means OPs daughter is magically not impacted? What are you talking about? You seem absolutely determined to only consider him here

This is one of the times having two homes is of benefit.

I would make sure the children aren’t left alone and that dd feels safe when he’s around, or see them separately if that’s easier. from the sounds of it DD isn't safe when he's around though.

I’ve been left alone for far longer than the innocent kitchen exchange happened in the kitchen as described by the OP. I remember my sister with a boy in the garden around that age doing a dare and she pulled down her pants to show him as did he. None of us told the adults. The male farm workers would often make rude innuendos to us that we didn’t fully understand. But we knew to stay away from men. We were warned, but we weren’t supervised most of the time as it was a different era.

Have to reply because at 8 I was at primary school (I changed school from infant to another junior school where I knew no one this is relevant) and I was a shy kid. I’d made 2 best friends but was trying desperately to fit in.

So an older boy became my “boyfriend” he was in the year above and once he was in the playground and touched me in the vagina area. Just once and I don’t recall how it happened but telling him to get off and trying to push his hands away but he was bigger and stronger. Luckily some older girls intervened and I think he was spoken to. DM took me to doctor and I moved school at the end of the year. I think this happened in summer term.

Well, me and friends had done doctors and nurses before but afterwards my behaviour as wasn’t addressed got worse and more sexual. I had no idea what I was doing but I was affected. I felt deeply ashamed but I also felt ugly as I wore glasses. Luckily things got better but I was a bit promiscuous as a teenager and even into adulthood. I’m never sure if this was due to no therapy. All my DM and doctor said was “was I ok?” And stated he shouldn’t have touched me but I think DM wanted to forget about this as she was a divorcee.

As @MadamMaltesers said I’m not sure if it ruined my life but my first sexual experience it wasn’t pleasant at all and is still imprinted on my mind.

OP you’re doing the right thing keeping your DD away from SS but if I were his parent I’d be concerned if he’s being abused or what he’s been exposed to.

I dont see how it could work with you still living together-he takes him somewhere else what every week forever?

hes not your ss really youre not married no dc together so id just get out of this asap

You are dangerously minimising here.

This was not a dare or a shared ‘exploration’. Dd said no, and was forced anyway.

Totally different dynamic and you appear to be unaware of the differences at play here. The large power imbalance due to age, ignoring dd saying no and continuing anyway and doing so as soon as the parents left.

I don’t know how you can compare the two.

Do you have daughters? And would you leave YOUR child in this situation?

Have you an issue with boys?

Answer my question. Do you have a daughter and would you leave her in this situation?

From previous post? Clearly.

I dont want to minimise, but also, making it out like this 8 year old is a serial sex abuser is a bit... much.

This poster clearly doesnt think theres any point in sitting the boy down and talking to him about consent (to me the BIG BIG issue here), he just needs to be banned from ever being around another child, forever.

It’s one thing to be curious and explore bodies but another thing like with the boy I sort of knew who was aggressive and forcibly trying to touch my genital area.

Actually I recall the previous week we’d been playing kiss chase with other kids in the playground and he stuck his hands under my dress/skirt and smacked my bum (had he seen adults doing this?) and I’d pulled away and tried to avoid him. The next time was worse. As I barely knew him and I didn’t know to watch out for strange older kids I didn’t have the warning mechanisms in place but I knew it was wrong.

The next time he touched me it was in a secluded area of the playground, he was trying to show me some Panini stickers I wanted I think and luckily I shouted and screamed for him to get off me and kids came over. I don’t recall adults being around. But he was definitely doing things wrong, he knew, it knew, it wasn’t curious doctors and nurses games.

I am still waiting to find out if you would leave your own daughter in this situation.

An 8 year old absolutely knows this is wrong, in 2 short years, this would be a criminal matter. He is also old enough to know no means no.
I would report to both children's schools and social services, keeping it factual.
If your DD tells them this, I've heard of patents having to talk to social services before they can pick them up, and it wouldn't surprise me if they were worried about sexual abuse.
The social will check of course there's no way in hell your step son will be entering the home, but they'll also check in on things for him.

Op, trust your instincts and protect your daughter. The boy is the responsibilty of his father and mother, they will need to tackle this together and with school.

You should be proud that your daughter told you about this so you are able to intervene to protect her. As you can see from this thread an awful lot of women had similar things happen to them as children but weren't able to tell anyone about it. A weight will have lifted from your daughter's shoulders when she told you and realised that you would take it seriously.

Its times like this, reading certain posts, that I am so glad we have the social services.

You also need to keep your SS safe. It’s concerning behaviour from a young child, and rather than just writing him off as an odd child, you need to ensure that he’s not in a vulnerable position, where something untoward is happening to him

That is the job of HIS parents, he has two fully capable parents, ops job is to keep her 5 year old safe.

He has two actively involved parents who can ensure this. It's not the OPs responsibility and she definitely shouldn't be part of raising this with his school.

I do think some posters are getting a bit ahead of themselves saying that soon the SS will be in puberty - he's only 7. He needs to be taught right from wrong in no uncertain terms (and if he feels guilt about it as a PP said - well, good!) and I think having a long time where the kids are not in the same space can only be a good thing for OP's daughter. Hopefully he will learn to control himself before things become more serious as he gets older.

It's not really been explicitly stated and I don't think some people get this, but it's so very very wrong what he did because it wasn't a mutual thing - presumably he had to grab her and forcibly move her clothes to expose her private parts. It's just NOT the same as the many many kids who do quiet mutual showing etc of their private parts, there are examples of this being repeated on this thread but they're not comparable situations. Those situations can also be damaging depending on the dynamic, age etc, but often IMO they aren't. Being grabbed and having your clothes pushed aside to expose you - that's just absolutely awful, must have been so scary and embarrassing for OP's daughter, and quite frankly I'd rather she overreacted rather than underreacted to this kind of thing.

*If it was her brother are people suggesting an 8 year old brother should be evicted from the family home.

He’s 8, that’s the point, he’s likely curious, as boys and girls are. It’s a disproportionate response the actions suggested.*

If he lived there full time and was a full brother it would be a much more difficult situation to navigate as he will obviously need housing. A half brother that comes EOW, much more of an option. A step brother that comes EOW, a no brainer really.

My mum grew up with a "curious" older brother who used to do things like this to her and their female cousins. Nobody did anything, and it has affected her her whole life. I agree with the PP who said there is a reluctance from some to admit that their precious little boy's "curiosity" is seriously damaging another child.

The OP hasn’t said her daughter has been affected. But she was well brought up by the mother as she was able to tell her mother what happened. Hopefully as a family they can all be calm and explain to the boy how inappropriate his actions were. With a sufficient punishment so he gets the message. And reinforce in the daughter that what he did was wrong. Without frightening the girl.

So you have no responsibility for the care of a stepchild who is 8 years old, when you live with them half the time? Nonsense.

Nowhere have I said OP doesn’t need to protect her DD. But SS clearly doesn’t have a capable mother, or she’d be concerned about his behaviour when it was reported to her