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Original poster

DP won't go on holiday without his DC

138 replies

Elledeco · 13/06/2023 15:41

DP and I have been together 3.5 years.
We don't live together but see each other nearly every day, either at mine or his. I have 2 young adult dds, he has 2 under 11 that he has 5050 every 3 days.
He is a great and VERY hands on dad.

This year we are taking his dc away for a week in July then taking my 2 away for a week in August.
We have been discussing a week together, just the 2 of us in September.
He's just admitted to me he can't do it.
That he will feel guilty doing something without the dc. Particularly his son.
His exw has a new partner and is going away for 6 days with him but he says he just can't.
He feels his ds will miss him too much.
His ds has a fractured and difficult relationship with his mum and DP often has emergency phonecalls from him when he's at his mums or he just needs dp.
I understand all of this, anc I've grown used to plans being cancelled etc because of his dc " needing " him but this feels so unfair.
I love him and was planning and looking forward to a holiday.

He's 54 , he had dc late in life so it's not as if I can wait till they are older like mine.
Aibu??
I don't know what to say to him.. ??

OP posts:
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caringcarer · 14/06/2023 12:26

You should have booked 1 week with.your kids in August and 1 week with your DP. Then you and your DC could take another week in September or October half term. You will have to suck it up this year and remember for next year or call it a day and look for someone without young kids.

Original poster
Elledeco · 14/06/2023 12:26

How will his DC cope without him while you're on holiday with your DC?

They will have to cope. This is the fortnight they are with their mum. As explained above they have 2 weeks each every year.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysareuponus · 14/06/2023 12:33

He is in for a shock come teen years when his dc won't give a shiney shit about time apart as long as the £££ keep coming...

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/06/2023 13:10

My brother was in the same situation with regards his son needing him. His son's DM was occasionally on drugs and DBRO would often get phone calls from his then-very young son crying because he was hungry and his DM was passed out. For this reason my bro could never drink (in case he needed to drive) and couldn't go away.
(I know he could've done more to get his son out of that situation but that's a whole thread in itself. Thankfully his son is 23 now)

However there was always the possibility of putting someone else 'on call'. Is this a possibility for your DP??

Makemyday99 · 14/06/2023 13:13

Personally I think it’s ridiculous, what does he think will happen in 6 days its hardly 6 months, sounds a right wet blanket

monsteramunch · 14/06/2023 13:19

You should have booked 1 week with.your kids in August and 1 week with your DP.

This.

Why didn't you do this OP? Is it too late to change plans and do this?

Seems like a no brainer.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/06/2023 13:22

Makemyday99 · 14/06/2023 13:13

Personally I think it’s ridiculous, what does he think will happen in 6 days its hardly 6 months, sounds a right wet blanket

Depends on the situation! Please see my comment immediately above

MintJulia · 14/06/2023 13:27

He's going to be a hands-on dad for probably another 6 or 7 years. During that time he will want to be within reach if needed. Can you cope with that?

Also, if his son has a difficult relationship with the mother, there is every chance that the boy may want to come and live with his dad as a teen. How do you feel about that?

jannier · 14/06/2023 15:14

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What's that got to do with it....you take on a parent you take on their kids is it better to have a partner who doesn't put kids first

billy1966 · 14/06/2023 15:38

He sounds awful.

Wants everything his own way.

Wouldn't like you going away with your daughters on your own?

Are you mad?
You are certainly very very foolish.

How absolutely controlling.

He wants you there to help with his high maintenance children does he?

You're a silly woman who should know better.

Let him parent his children.

This is who he is.

EVERYTHING on his terms.

You have years and years of this.

Dump him.

Azaeleasinbloom · 14/06/2023 15:58

I am pretty much with what @billy1966 says , although I am not sure that I would call you very very foolish.

I sense in one of your last posts, that scales are falling from your eyes OP, and you are finding his attitude unattractive. Trust that instinct. Listen to your gut.

While he may indeed be a lovely, engaged Dad to his dc, there’s something off about this man, imo.

Natty13 · 14/06/2023 16:05

Elledeco · 14/06/2023 12:22

To answer a few questions,

I dont want or need multiple holidays but he has an annual holiday every year with his young children in " his " fortnight and invited me along. He misses the family unit and also we would miss each other , so I'm going.

He was the one that suggested we go away together as a couple in September but has backed out. His exw is going in July with her new partner and I suspect the suggestion was driven by tit for tat motives.

I would have gone just the 2 of us in his " childfree " fortnight but he suggested we take my dds away as a family and that it wouldn't have been fair for us to go with his, then on our own and mine have no holiday.
He very much wants us all to be involved.

I'm not sure he would like it if I went away with just mine, and that's actually niggling me more than the two of us not going together, the more I think about it.

I also do want couple time. He is always talking about what he's lost rather than what we have now and it feels like we need to work on that

I don't want to be second place
Anyway thank you for your thoughts. I don't think I have anything else to add 😔

I'd be telling him he's at risk of losing something else if he can't compromise here.

Coffeepot72 · 14/06/2023 16:08

So the 2 weeks that their mum has them is the time we are taking my 2 away.

But he's ok to be away then?? Makes no sense at all. If their relationship with their Mum was that bad, then surely the 2 weeks you're talking about simply wouldn't happen. He's either a Disney Dad or a total wuss. Disney Wuss??!

ChittyBangabang · 14/06/2023 17:39

He wipes a 9 year old child's bottom?

gogohmm · 14/06/2023 17:48

Can't you just take a couple of days away as a compromise, in Britain

Limezz · 14/06/2023 17:54

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SweetSakura · 14/06/2023 17:56

I want to spend my holiday time (and money ) on holidays with my children too. I do weekends away with DH but my children are only young once and I want to focus my leave and money on family holidays.

jannier · 14/06/2023 18:02

ChittyBangabang · 14/06/2023 17:39

He wipes a 9 year old child's bottom?

Nooooo really????

Ragwort · 14/06/2023 18:44

He does seem to want everything his own way and why on earth would he even comment on you having a holiday away with your own DDs. You don't live together so why does he feel he has any say over your lifestyle.

I would be tempted to tell him not to worry, you've booked a singles trip to Las Vegas Grin

SparklyShark · 15/06/2023 15:12

MayThe4th · 13/06/2023 16:41

Let’s look at this from the mum’s perspective: Imagine someone posted here that her ex wanted to leave the kids with her for some of the time he would have had them because he’d rather go on holiday with his current partner than have his kids.

The man would be absolutely slaughtered.

Now ww have a man who doesn’t want to sacrifice his time with his kids, and he’s wrong? How does that work then?

Probably not in this situation though, as SS mum is leaving SS with dad for extra time while she holidays with new partner.

OP in your situation it does seem as if you would have been better off going away with your DP when SS is at his mum's. It seems that DP doesn't want to miss contact time. The chance to go would have been those two weeks he was with mum. If I were you I would probably have gone away with DP in those weeks, and had a seperate holiday myself with DDs perhaps without DP.

SparklyShark · 15/06/2023 15:21

Sorry should have rtft.

So the holiday with your DDs and the couple holiday were both his idea?!

I can see why you feel resentful now!

If they had both been your idea I would have said 'as he is only up for going away without DSC in that two weeks, you'd have to go then'. But he has suggested both of the holidays so basically he has messed with your plans and expectations.

ihateaparade · 15/06/2023 18:48

I know where you're coming from, OP. I've done my time with Littles on the beach. He seems to be trying to create this fantasy family out of the ashes of his former and that's completely unrealistic. It's not too much to ask that you are a priority on the rare occasion - the constantly cancelling/changing plans is disrespectful. There is only sacrifice on your part. Yes, you got involved with a man with young children. But he got involved with you - who has been there, done that. Your need for adult time with him is just as important as his need to be available for at least one of his children (not much being said about the one that doesn't need their arse wiped). Whether those two needs can be met is a question that should be asked (I'm pretty sure I know how he'd answer). The fact that he wouldn't be happy if you went away with your children without him sounds very controlling and self-centered (sensing a theme here). I think a break with your girls sounds fabulous. I've got young adults, too, and I'd jump at that chance to have them to myself! How do your two feel about this trip with you SO? Were they asked, or was it presented as a done deal? Maybe they'd like some time alone with you...what is the plan for the break if all 4 of you go?

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/06/2023 21:50

Sux2buthen · 13/06/2023 16:37

He sounds great, Shame more aren't as arsed about their kids

This.

Its a shame you don't realise what you've got in him. You're being unfair and quite selfish.

Limezz · 15/06/2023 23:51

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IceCreamQueen86 · 16/06/2023 02:29

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/06/2023 21:50

This.

Its a shame you don't realise what you've got in him. You're being unfair and quite selfish.

Show quote history

Have you missed the part where he doesn’t want OP to holiday alone with her DD’s?

OP could have holidayed alone with him like she wants (whilst his kids are away) & then taken her DD’s away another time but he’s not happy with that, he’s insisting on her DD’s joining them so she doesn’t have a separate trip without him.

He’s a controlling arse!