DP won't go on holiday without his DC

[Elledeco]

DP and I have been together 3.5 years.
We don't live together but see each other nearly every day, either at mine or his. I have 2 young adult dds, he has 2 under 11 that he has 5050 every 3 days.
He is a great and VERY hands on dad.

This year we are taking his dc away for a week in July then taking my 2 away for a week in August.
We have been discussing a week together, just the 2 of us in September.
He's just admitted to me he can't do it.
That he will feel guilty doing something without the dc. Particularly his son.
His exw has a new partner and is going away for 6 days with him but he says he just can't.
He feels his ds will miss him too much.
His ds has a fractured and difficult relationship with his mum and DP often has emergency phonecalls from him when he's at his mums or he just needs dp.
I understand all of this, anc I've grown used to plans being cancelled etc because of his dc " needing " him but this feels so unfair.
I love him and was planning and looking forward to a holiday.

He's 54 , he had dc late in life so it's not as if I can wait till they are older like mine.
Aibu??
I don't know what to say to him.. ??

This.

He's an arse and not a nice one.

The OP should take a long hard look at him because she clearly has let a lot of red flags slide if she already knows he wouldn't like her holidaying with her own children with him.

Controlling arse.

OP needs to wake up to what is very clear to this reader.

He's no prize.

We don’t have kids together. We do:
adult short holidays abroad - 3 night mini break types
holidays all together
I go alone just with my DCs abroad
he doesn’t take his kids anywhere alone but of course could if he chose.
he wouldnt come with me and my DCs because if making his kids feel left out. I’m happy with it - my DCs never see their dad so we like time together.

I wouldn't get too upset about this. Your DP sounds like a great dad and step dad.

Why don't you book and go on holiday with friends?

@Limezz excuse me?

I see this very differently. If my husband and I were ever to divorce, I can see him feeling exactly like this. I’m also the same, we are both family orientated and I couldn’t/wouldn’t want a holiday without mine. It’s just my feelings and I don’t judge (I sort of envy) those who embrace coupley holidays and leave their kids with grandparents, but I just wouldn’t enjoy it.

I think he’s more of a family focused person than you (that is absolutely not intended as an insult) and more enmeshed with family life as his only real identity. I don’t think he doesn’t want to go away with just you, I think it’s more he feels your children need to feel
part of the new family you’re creating and feels it would signal negatively to them if he didn’t join their family holiday but you joined his (i.e. his kids matter to you more than yours matter to him).

He sounds like a lovely man with strong family principles but they just don’t seem compatible with your own (also equally valid). You’re past the young needy children stage. Me (and my husband) are similar - we don’t have the desire to go ‘backwards’ so won’t do family holidays with toddlers as we would be expected to ‘help’ with the sharing of the toddler childcare load and would rather boil our own eyelids. Sounds awful but it’s how we feel - we can’t help that, we have happily moved on from that era of our lives. You have moved on from sandcastles and pool playing and there’s nothing wrong with that either.

But fundamentally your post reeks of seeing his kids as an inconvenience and that’s just not a good place to build a relationship from. You need someone with adult children or no
children who is at the same point in their life as you - and this man is not.

The thing is, many couples (most even) do not have 'adult only' holidays until their children are old enough to be left at home alone for that time - i.e., over 18 in most cases. I think the OP is expecting too much from her partner. His children are still young, while hers are not. The two of them are at different parenting stages.

Don't agree with this, and would argue that it's one of the advantages of divorce!

He may be a great dad, cancelling plans at the last minute because his son is having meltdowns with mum or he just needs his dad but honestly it's not great for an adult relationship is it? You are always going to be at the bottom of the food chain, rightly or wrongly and as another PP has said he's going to be in his 70s by the time his children have grown up. Where does that leave you?
Personally I would bow out and find myself a partner who is roughly in your position - with adult children, someone who can devote quality time to your relationship, someone to have fun with - days out, holidays, sexy hotel nights! Not someone tied to a young needy family at least half of every week plus emergency calls. Cut him loose OP.

He may be a great dad, cancelling plans at the last minute because his son is having meltdowns with mum or he just needs his dad but honestly it's not great for an adult relationship is it? You are always going to be at the bottom of the food chain, rightly or wrongly and as another PP has said he's going to be in his 70s by the time his children have grown up. Where does that leave you?

But does pandering to his child all the time really make him a good dad? However I completely agree that this makes him a useless partner

Omg, how can you sleep with this guy? What a fucking creep!

seriously this is weird and you know it, doesn’t want to have a grown break, and still treats his kids like babies but won’t let you be a parent/grown up with your own kids

bin him. This is not normal at all.

Wonder why his wife kicked him to the kerb… 🤔