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Original poster

DP won't go on holiday without his DC

138 replies

Elledeco · 13/06/2023 15:41

DP and I have been together 3.5 years.
We don't live together but see each other nearly every day, either at mine or his. I have 2 young adult dds, he has 2 under 11 that he has 5050 every 3 days.
He is a great and VERY hands on dad.

This year we are taking his dc away for a week in July then taking my 2 away for a week in August.
We have been discussing a week together, just the 2 of us in September.
He's just admitted to me he can't do it.
That he will feel guilty doing something without the dc. Particularly his son.
His exw has a new partner and is going away for 6 days with him but he says he just can't.
He feels his ds will miss him too much.
His ds has a fractured and difficult relationship with his mum and DP often has emergency phonecalls from him when he's at his mums or he just needs dp.
I understand all of this, anc I've grown used to plans being cancelled etc because of his dc " needing " him but this feels so unfair.
I love him and was planning and looking forward to a holiday.

He's 54 , he had dc late in life so it's not as if I can wait till they are older like mine.
Aibu??
I don't know what to say to him.. ??

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booksandbrooks · 13/06/2023 21:37

Erm, I think it's a bit much expecting 3 holidays in a year + the weekends away you and he go on, which don't count apparently.

As you don't sound like you like his children or his relationship with them so probably just call it a day. This chap is years away from being the travelling companion you want.

Mari9999 · 13/06/2023 21:52

@Sunnydaysareuponus
A man or may grieve the loss of a spouse or relationship, that does not render them incapable of having another loving relationship.

A woman can suffer a miscarriage or loss of a baby and grieve that loss for a long time. That does not render her incapable of having and loving another baby. Humans have enormous capacity to grieving and love simultaneously.

Sunnydaysareuponus · 13/06/2023 21:53

He isn't showing op she rates very high is he?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/06/2023 21:54

Elledeco · 13/06/2023 16:01

He shares the dc 5050 and in the summer they have 2 weeks each.
So the 2 weeks that their mum has them is the time we are taking my 2 away.
He is very family oriented so wanted to spend that time with mine.
So yes, if we were to go away together as a couple it would have been during that time but now we are booked to take my dc away.
The week away together would have meant him sacrificing some time in September with his dc, and he won't do it. He says he would feel too guilty.
The ex is going in July and so he has the dc for extra time and he's delighted.

I suppose I just feel resentment. I would like us to have couple time but he would rather have me around with his dc.
I'm not their mum, I want him as a partner and to spend time alone.
It feels like the only time we spend alone is when he doesn't have the dc and he doesn't want to be alone.

Are we never going to have an adult holiday alone ??

It seems strange that he'd be willing to leave his son to go away with your kids but not with just you? I guess as his wife was taking kids away anyway so even if his son did need him he couldn't be there unless he flew out to holiday destination. Maybe next time the ex takes him away you go on holiday

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/06/2023 21:55

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 16:10

Why can't you go away in this country so he's around if there'sa problem. I've stayed in really lovely places all over the country so you'll easily find somewhere within 100-200 miles of your house. So if there's an emergency, you can get home in 2-3 hours. There won't be an emergency but it will build up his confidence to leave them to go abroad.

Good idea

mrsplum2015 · 13/06/2023 22:31

You're at such different phases of life with different outlooks I can't see it's going to work. He's not wrong but neither are you.

I have 3 dc, 2 teens and one was 7 when I met my dp, she's now 10. His are slightly older than yours.

I was very clear with him up front that I couldn't be what he wanted as I don't have time or inclination to go away travelling. I don't want to leave my youngest more than I have to and totally understand where your dp is coming from.

My dp said he was happy to compromise and we have made it work. My contact arrangements are different so i have a fortnightly block of 4 nights off, which I have extended by a night or 2 to go away twice. He also quite likes being with my dc as they are interesting and fun. We have taken them away together and also the 10 year old alone as I didn't want to leave her for extra time.

To be honest I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't like my dc and spending time with them. They are a huge part of my life and my dps positive relationship with them is a key factor in the success of our relationship. Additionally I would struggle with being with someone who disagreed with my parenting style.

I don't see why you want to be with this man when you don't seem to like his dc or his parenting style which is relevant for half of his time.

cestlavielife · 13/06/2023 22:36

It s mot "ever" , in a fes years his kids are teens and maybe less needy
Or maybe even more
So wait til they 18

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/06/2023 06:48

This would be a deal-breaker for me. He sounds odd not wanting to leave the kid with his own mother, and for still wiping a 9yo's arse. If the relationship with the mother is that difficult, how come the kids are going on a 2 week holiday with their mum?

There's nothing wrong with wanting adult time, or 3 holidays in a year if you can afford it. I've been with my other half for over 10 years and we've had an adults only holiday every year we've been together, even when his and my kids were younger. It's one of the benefits of being divorced - there's another parent to take the kids!

I think this will continue to come between you and like you said, by the time he's comfortable to leave the kids he might be too old to enjoy adults holidays.

ImAChChChChihuahua · 14/06/2023 06:51

You're already having 2 holidays which is more than most people!

Why not have a few weekends away in the UK?

Throwing away a good relationship because he's an excellent Dad and you already have 2 holidays booked seems mad to me.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/06/2023 07:07

The bit I can't get past is that he doesn't want to go away without his dc (ok fair enough), but he doesn't like the idea of you going away with your dc's without him. Sorry op but that's a huge red flag there. Controlling!

LBFseBrom · 14/06/2023 07:13

difficultlemons · 13/06/2023 15:45

I do understand you feeling disappointed op but I think he is right to put his children first.

No point forcing the issue as even if you did get him to do it you'd only worry he was resenting it or worrying whilst he was away with you.

Could you compromise with a weekend away?

I thought the same or a 'short break'; it's a compromise, op, you'll enjoy it if you choose somewhere that interests you both and you can repeat the experience.

As your partner's children get a bit older they will be more independent but at the moment, it's good that their dad is very much around and available. He sounds like a really decent chap.

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 07:36

I expect he needs most his annual leave for his kids, you're lucky in that you don't.

Laurdo · 14/06/2023 07:53

Elledeco · 13/06/2023 16:01

He shares the dc 5050 and in the summer they have 2 weeks each.
So the 2 weeks that their mum has them is the time we are taking my 2 away.
He is very family oriented so wanted to spend that time with mine.
So yes, if we were to go away together as a couple it would have been during that time but now we are booked to take my dc away.
The week away together would have meant him sacrificing some time in September with his dc, and he won't do it. He says he would feel too guilty.
The ex is going in July and so he has the dc for extra time and he's delighted.

I suppose I just feel resentment. I would like us to have couple time but he would rather have me around with his dc.
I'm not their mum, I want him as a partner and to spend time alone.
It feels like the only time we spend alone is when he doesn't have the dc and he doesn't want to be alone.

Are we never going to have an adult holiday alone ??

Yes, his children should be a priority but if he can't make you one as well then he should have stayed single. Why does he not feel guilty that he's not meeting your needs? This would be a deal-breaker for me.

PrimalOwl10 · 14/06/2023 07:58

Tbh I find it more strange that you still want to holiday with 2 adult independent dds than him not wanting to miss another week of contact when he's missing one week in August.

Daffodilwoman · 14/06/2023 08:18

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong. However this is why my friend (50 ish) will not date men who have had children late in life. She says there are an awful lot of men in their 50s who hooked up with younger women and had dcs with them. These men are now single and on dating sites. Her children are adults she won’t date men with young dcs.
I think you either suck this up or finish it and find someone with adult dcs or who is child free.

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/06/2023 08:24

PrimalOwl10 · 14/06/2023 07:58

Tbh I find it more strange that you still want to holiday with 2 adult independent dds than him not wanting to miss another week of contact when he's missing one week in August.

Why? I love holidaying with my 20 year old. She's great fun.

Limezz · 14/06/2023 11:58

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Limezz · 14/06/2023 11:59

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bellsandwhistles333 · 14/06/2023 12:03

It would be a big no from me. Adult time alone and breaks / holidays days out as a couple are essential

GlitteryGreen · 14/06/2023 12:11

I get your annoyance OP but could you not have just gone alone with him in August instead of doing the holiday with your 2? At their ages presumably you could go away with them any time during the year as a threesome. I understand you've said he gets resentful about that but that's really unfair of him, it's not as if he wouldn't be invited but he won't swap days with his own children to accommodate it.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 14/06/2023 12:11

So why don't you go away just with him for a fortnight in August and then you go with your DC on holiday another time and leave him at home?

Surely everyone gets what they want then?

curtains23 · 14/06/2023 12:16

Elledeco · 13/06/2023 15:41

DP and I have been together 3.5 years.
We don't live together but see each other nearly every day, either at mine or his. I have 2 young adult dds, he has 2 under 11 that he has 5050 every 3 days.
He is a great and VERY hands on dad.

This year we are taking his dc away for a week in July then taking my 2 away for a week in August.
We have been discussing a week together, just the 2 of us in September.
He's just admitted to me he can't do it.
That he will feel guilty doing something without the dc. Particularly his son.
His exw has a new partner and is going away for 6 days with him but he says he just can't.
He feels his ds will miss him too much.
His ds has a fractured and difficult relationship with his mum and DP often has emergency phonecalls from him when he's at his mums or he just needs dp.
I understand all of this, anc I've grown used to plans being cancelled etc because of his dc " needing " him but this feels so unfair.
I love him and was planning and looking forward to a holiday.

He's 54 , he had dc late in life so it's not as if I can wait till they are older like mine.
Aibu??
I don't know what to say to him.. ??

How will his DC cope without him while you're on holiday with your DC?

Limezz · 14/06/2023 12:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GlitteryGreen · 14/06/2023 12:22

Daffodilwoman · 14/06/2023 08:18

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong. However this is why my friend (50 ish) will not date men who have had children late in life. She says there are an awful lot of men in their 50s who hooked up with younger women and had dcs with them. These men are now single and on dating sites. Her children are adults she won’t date men with young dcs.
I think you either suck this up or finish it and find someone with adult dcs or who is child free.

I actually do think it's wrong for these men to be on dating sites and posing as available when actually they're not available/willing to engage in a full relationship.

Trips away with your partner are surely a basic relationship expectation? My partner has 2 children but we go away both with and without them, it has never caused a problem and he's never thought twice.

Original poster
Elledeco · 14/06/2023 12:22

To answer a few questions,

I dont want or need multiple holidays but he has an annual holiday every year with his young children in " his " fortnight and invited me along. He misses the family unit and also we would miss each other , so I'm going.

He was the one that suggested we go away together as a couple in September but has backed out. His exw is going in July with her new partner and I suspect the suggestion was driven by tit for tat motives.

I would have gone just the 2 of us in his " childfree " fortnight but he suggested we take my dds away as a family and that it wouldn't have been fair for us to go with his, then on our own and mine have no holiday.
He very much wants us all to be involved.

I'm not sure he would like it if I went away with just mine, and that's actually niggling me more than the two of us not going together, the more I think about it.

I also do want couple time. He is always talking about what he's lost rather than what we have now and it feels like we need to work on that

I don't want to be second place
Anyway thank you for your thoughts. I don't think I have anything else to add 😔

OP posts: