DP won't go on holiday without his DC

[Elledeco]

DP and I have been together 3.5 years.
We don't live together but see each other nearly every day, either at mine or his. I have 2 young adult dds, he has 2 under 11 that he has 5050 every 3 days.
He is a great and VERY hands on dad.

This year we are taking his dc away for a week in July then taking my 2 away for a week in August.
We have been discussing a week together, just the 2 of us in September.
He's just admitted to me he can't do it.
That he will feel guilty doing something without the dc. Particularly his son.
His exw has a new partner and is going away for 6 days with him but he says he just can't.
He feels his ds will miss him too much.
His ds has a fractured and difficult relationship with his mum and DP often has emergency phonecalls from him when he's at his mums or he just needs dp.
I understand all of this, anc I've grown used to plans being cancelled etc because of his dc " needing " him but this feels so unfair.
I love him and was planning and looking forward to a holiday.

He's 54 , he had dc late in life so it's not as if I can wait till they are older like mine.
Aibu??
I don't know what to say to him.. ??

Yes he could have swapped that extra week but tbh if he wants his kid around more than 50/50 why shouldn't he.

Ok so

he will struggle at the thought of leaving his ds with his mum this bit is a bit odd as he's alone with his mum 50% of the time anyway!

I agreed to go with him on his with his small dc as he is " mourning the family he should have had ".. this is ringing absolutely huge alarm bells. Get out!

I think he needs to see a counsellor before getting into a relationship tbh

So the 2 weeks that their mum has them is the time we are taking my 2 away. funny how you’re not sacrificing time with your kids but expect him to sacrifice time with his.

Here’s an idea, go away without your kids instead.

As for asking whether you have to go without adult holidays, frankly yes.

If you were both parents of the same children you would likely have to go without adult holidays for years. It’s called being a parent.

Yes some people have the luxury of being able to leave the kids at granny’s for instance, but many parents don’t.

@Freefall212 is spot on here, and this seems a very good compromise. So he doesn’t go with your daughters, but they get a fun holiday with mum.

If he doesn’t like that idea, I would be binning him.

He sounds great, Shame more aren't as arsed about their kids

Let’s look at this from the mum’s perspective: Imagine someone posted here that her ex wanted to leave the kids with her for some of the time he would have had them because he’d rather go on holiday with his current partner than have his kids.

The man would be absolutely slaughtered.

Now ww have a man who doesn’t want to sacrifice his time with his kids, and he’s wrong? How does that work then?

I'd much rather have a man like him than the run-of-the-mill type who couldn't give a damn about his children

We've had weekends away but it looks like abroad won't happen.

Why does a good adult holiday have to be abroad? There are really beautiful places in the UK.

Sorry

We've had weekends away but it looks like abroad won't happen.

Why does a good adult holiday have to be abroad? There are really beautiful places in the UK.

I have suggested I go abroad with my dds but he gets very resentful.
I'm.not sure he would like it, so I feel kind of stuck..
It was HIS idea to take my dc away in his " free " fortnight. I would happily leave mine !

Well, you’ve allocated the time he was available to go away with you to a holiday with your own DC. Something you could do anytime without him. If it’s too late to change that, then suck it up this year and then arrange it differently next year.

He sounds like he wants it all his way which isn’t fair.

You're not compatible, get out. This will only snowball and soon you won't be able to even go away for the weekend. It's turning into a vicious cycle of him rescuing his child. What's the mum actually like? If he was that concerned he should be filing a C100 and trying to gain a lives with.

I guess then he actually doesn't want to go away with you. If you proposed a vacation for just the two of you but he is insistent your kids come to and he just doesn't want to travel with just you, no matter how much you tell him your DDs don't need to come... I think he just doesn't want to travel with you.

Who is paying for these trips? Are you paying for the week away with your two kids and he is paying for the week away with his two kids?

What is the propsed funding for your couples trip?

As your children are adults, can you not consider an adult holiday during his “free fortnight” next year?

i don’t think anyone is being unreasonable btw

This. ..... Could his kids come on ten holiday with yours ? And then have a child free one together?

Ps he sounds a great dad

Not the point, but lovely to hear about an invested, loving and hands on dad on these boards for once. Maybe you’re not perfectly compatible right now life stage wise but he’s doing right by his DC.

Sorry op I'm confused

He holidaying with you and your much older 2 so that's ok with out his son?
What would happen if your two dropped out and it's a single holiday all of a sudden?

His dc coming with mine would absolutely not work.
They are incredibly high maintenance dc. Mine are much more relaxed. He still wipes the 9 year old butt fgs.
He does everything for them.

Yea he's going away without his dc in August but he would be without them anyway, that's when they are with their mum.
hes not giving anything up

You're both at different life stages. You might find that there are more scenarios like this and it's just not the right time for you to be compatible.

Yea I think you need to review your relationship. How’s it going to work if you can’t spend time together. Unless you both feel ok to have part separates lives it won’t work. Also unreasonable for him to not like you going abroad just because he can’t go.

He still wipes the 9 year old butt? Significant sen? Physical difficulties? (Although my ten year old has Significant sen I send him back for another go rather than get personally involved)

I think it's rather odd that you are choosing to include your teenage DDs in a holiday when you could be having your romantic break with your DP whilst his DC are with their mum .... surely that would have been the time to go away with him... and then you could have a separate holiday with your DDs another time (how many holidays do you have? ). Tough if your DP doesn't like you going away without him.

You don't live together so why all the angst ... have you got a friend you can go away with or enjoy a solo holiday?

I agree with others though, how refreshing that your DP is such a devoted father.