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Original poster

DP won't go on holiday without his DC

138 replies

Elledeco · 13/06/2023 15:41

DP and I have been together 3.5 years.
We don't live together but see each other nearly every day, either at mine or his. I have 2 young adult dds, he has 2 under 11 that he has 5050 every 3 days.
He is a great and VERY hands on dad.

This year we are taking his dc away for a week in July then taking my 2 away for a week in August.
We have been discussing a week together, just the 2 of us in September.
He's just admitted to me he can't do it.
That he will feel guilty doing something without the dc. Particularly his son.
His exw has a new partner and is going away for 6 days with him but he says he just can't.
He feels his ds will miss him too much.
His ds has a fractured and difficult relationship with his mum and DP often has emergency phonecalls from him when he's at his mums or he just needs dp.
I understand all of this, anc I've grown used to plans being cancelled etc because of his dc " needing " him but this feels so unfair.
I love him and was planning and looking forward to a holiday.

He's 54 , he had dc late in life so it's not as if I can wait till they are older like mine.
Aibu??
I don't know what to say to him.. ??

OP posts:
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Franseen · 13/06/2023 17:41

The more you say, the less well-suited you sound. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone in a similar stage of life, past the needy childhood and difficult teenager years?

By the time his kids are established adults, he’ll be pushing 70 and potentially too old for the fun it sounds like you want.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 13/06/2023 17:43

The obvious compromise is the one suggested above - go away with him when his kids are away with their mum, and go away on your own with your kids another time. And if he gets arsey about that he can choose to come or not come but not to stop you doing that.

Also feel that the v different life stages and perhaps parenting styles may get to be tricky. It's a long time to have more hands on parenting years when you're at the kids-grown-up stage

Sirzy · 13/06/2023 17:43

It sounds you resent him being the parent to small children too much for things to work.

why does it need to be a week abroad? You can still do a few days in this country or abroad as a compromise?

Gcsunnyside23 · 13/06/2023 17:47

MayThe4th · 13/06/2023 16:41

Let’s look at this from the mum’s perspective: Imagine someone posted here that her ex wanted to leave the kids with her for some of the time he would have had them because he’d rather go on holiday with his current partner than have his kids.

The man would be absolutely slaughtered.

Now ww have a man who doesn’t want to sacrifice his time with his kids, and he’s wrong? How does that work then?

That's what the mums doing, she's going in July and the dad is having them extra. Should she be slaughtered?

Violasaremyfavourite · 13/06/2023 17:59

So he insisted on inviting your children rather than having a holiday together as he mourns the family he should have had. And he'd be resentful if you and your daughters went on holiday without him. His being a father extends to bottom wiping for a 9 year old. He sounds both odd and wet. I couldn't put up with this.

Qwertyfudge · 13/06/2023 18:08

Couldn’t you just go abroad for 3 night as a compromise?

Mumto1boyo · 13/06/2023 18:10

Deal breaker I'm afraid. Toss him back in the ocean.

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:11

I would end it now. You are at different stages and views regarding children and his have a loooooong time before they are independent.

BungleandGeorge · 13/06/2023 18:15

Surely you’ll get plenty of couples time when you go away with your adult daughters? The obvious thing would be for you to go away with him during the 2 weeks he doesn’t have them, take your daughters another time, he can decide whether he wants to go. Your daughters aren’t going to want to go away with you for many more years anyway

TomatoSandwiches · 13/06/2023 18:20

He sounds like a control freak, I'd throw this one back.

jannier · 13/06/2023 18:24

I'd see it that yes your s couple but your also parents. Hid DC is very unhappy and frequently needs him even if it's not dad's day .....why is he so unhappy that needs addressing but until it is I would expect him to put his child first. If your children were the young ones and one was this upset would you expect understanding from your OH?

LadyJ2023 · 13/06/2023 18:31

Unfortunately I think its absaloutely great he is stepping up for his child so I wouldn't be forcing a holiday. Can't you maybe try a short break instead. Even when my parents have our 4 once a year on our anniversary we always take our 3 night break within 3 hours of returning home should there be an emergency to return home

Zwicky · 13/06/2023 18:38

You aren’t in the same place. My dc are older teens/young adults. I wouldn’t date someone with primary age dc - I’m just not up for going there again. If he feels he can’t be away from his ds then that’s how he feels. It’s odd, that he’s willing to have 50:50 if he has a real concern but the crux of it is, you want the freedom of being close to child free and he has high maintenance, young dc.

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 18:41

Elledeco · 13/06/2023 16:01

He shares the dc 5050 and in the summer they have 2 weeks each.
So the 2 weeks that their mum has them is the time we are taking my 2 away.
He is very family oriented so wanted to spend that time with mine.
So yes, if we were to go away together as a couple it would have been during that time but now we are booked to take my dc away.
The week away together would have meant him sacrificing some time in September with his dc, and he won't do it. He says he would feel too guilty.
The ex is going in July and so he has the dc for extra time and he's delighted.

I suppose I just feel resentment. I would like us to have couple time but he would rather have me around with his dc.
I'm not their mum, I want him as a partner and to spend time alone.
It feels like the only time we spend alone is when he doesn't have the dc and he doesn't want to be alone.

Are we never going to have an adult holiday alone ??

You are being completely unreasonable!
Why have your chosen to take your adult children away at the only time he will feel comfortable to go??

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 18:41

Your children should come for just one week, you should have a week by yourselves. Job done.

Limezz · 13/06/2023 18:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 18:44

I also think you resent his commitment and devotion to his dc, I noticed you used VERY in a slightly barbed way.

Dont you see his kids come first, secondly that is what makes him a decent person and someone worth the inconvenience.

FairAcre · 13/06/2023 18:58

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 18:41

You are being completely unreasonable!
Why have your chosen to take your adult children away at the only time he will feel comfortable to go??

Show quote history

You obviously didn’t bother reading the OP’s posts. She suggested this and taking her children away at a later date without him. He wasn’t happy with the idea of her going away without him. It’s him who wants her children to come.

Mari9999 · 13/06/2023 19:00

@Elledeco
How would you have handled this situation when your 2 were under the age of 11 ?

He has stated his feelings. I am assuming that you have stated yours. Have the 2 of you not taken trips alone together?

If this is his hill to die on, then you must decide what you are willing to accept.

It is reasonable to think that young children's needs and accommodations might be different from the needs of your young adult children.

If his young son is in a particularly vulnerable place at this time, it is reasonable that he might not be gone on 2 trips ( one with your young adult children and one alone with you) away with you.

If this is a otherwise good relationship, a few sacrifices may or may not be much to pay to sustain a good relationship.

If your dating pool is filled with kind, caring, and childless men, you may find that he is easily replaceable. If not, you may be happy enough to be on your own.

Tellmeimcrazy · 13/06/2023 19:06

Freefall212 · 13/06/2023 16:30

You don't.

Change your plans and go away with just him during the week vacation you had planned with your two adult DDs.

Then go away on your own with your adult DDs another time.

He isn't disappointing you. Your expectations are unrealistic.

Her expectations aren't unrealistic. He made out it would be ok then backed out. Totally different if he hadn't agreed to it to begin with

Ladybug14 · 13/06/2023 19:07

You either cut your kids out this year and holiday with DP alone or start that pattern next year

Could it be that DP doesn't want to holiday with you alone?

You said it was his suggestion to take your kids away on the only 2 weeks you could have a holiday alone with him

HerMammy · 13/06/2023 19:20

I despair of pps comprehension skills;
OP wanted to holiday with her DC alone, he was resentful and wants included.
He clearly babies his DC and favours his DS
He's mourning the family he should have had and is now a drippy Disney dad

This isn't a good dad or partner.
Bin him, it won't get better.

Coffeepot72 · 13/06/2023 19:29

If the OP’s DP wants a new relationship, he has to prioritise this occasionally. It can’t ALWAYS be about the kids, surely?

Mari9999 · 13/06/2023 20:17

@Coffeepot72
Unless I missed it, I don't see where the OP states that she and her partner have never traveled alone . What or where is the indicator that her partner is grieving for the family that he lost.

How is caring about his vulnerable child in any way indicative of anything other than a caring dad wanting to be responsive to his son's needs. Sometimes, vulnerable moments come at inconvenient times. Adults understand that, children do not always understand that.

Sunnydaysareuponus · 13/06/2023 21:12

So you have a actually decided not to take your own dc away for fear of upsetting him? Give your head a wobble op..
He is still mourning the life he should have had - your words...
Not embracing his relationship with you then?
Raise your standards op. You are worth more than that.