DP won't go on holiday without his DC

[Elledeco]

DP and I have been together 3.5 years.
We don't live together but see each other nearly every day, either at mine or his. I have 2 young adult dds, he has 2 under 11 that he has 5050 every 3 days.
He is a great and VERY hands on dad.

This year we are taking his dc away for a week in July then taking my 2 away for a week in August.
We have been discussing a week together, just the 2 of us in September.
He's just admitted to me he can't do it.
That he will feel guilty doing something without the dc. Particularly his son.
His exw has a new partner and is going away for 6 days with him but he says he just can't.
He feels his ds will miss him too much.
His ds has a fractured and difficult relationship with his mum and DP often has emergency phonecalls from him when he's at his mums or he just needs dp.
I understand all of this, anc I've grown used to plans being cancelled etc because of his dc " needing " him but this feels so unfair.
I love him and was planning and looking forward to a holiday.

He's 54 , he had dc late in life so it's not as if I can wait till they are older like mine.
Aibu??
I don't know what to say to him.. ??

I do understand you feeling disappointed op but I think he is right to put his children first.

No point forcing the issue as even if you did get him to do it you'd only worry he was resenting it or worrying whilst he was away with you.

Could you compromise with a weekend away?

It doesn't sound like he'll budge, and if his DS sometimes needs him at short notice, I can understand.
You need to either accept that this is how it's going to be, possibly for years, or rethink the future of the relationship.

how much do you want to go away with just him?

Would you be happy just going on your own? Because if this is going to be A Thing it will come between you. So you have to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

Oh gosh, this is a challenging one.
You will probably have years of this kind of response from him to come? Your holiday plans to suit everyone sound perfectly fair.
You either suck it up or finish the relationship.
Based on my experiences years ago, I’d probably have to break up.

He's already going away without his DC in August, that probably feels like enough right now.

He's making a choice and being open with you about it. It's up to you whether to accept this man on his terms or not.

Personally I think he's making the right choice, but that's neither here nor there. Point is, he's telling you so you have the freedom to decide what you want to do with this information.

It would most likely be a deal breaker for me...
Does his ex not take their DC on holiday? You could go then - but then you'd be completely at her whim, it mightn't suit, etc.

do the 3 days roll over a weekend, or is it 3 weekdays, in which case could you add 3 days to a weekend and then at least have 5 days on your own together? I've been a step-mum and whilst it's essential that your DH prioritises his kids, he also needs to look after your relationship...there needs to be a balance or it won't work.

He shares the dc 5050 and in the summer they have 2 weeks each.
So the 2 weeks that their mum has them is the time we are taking my 2 away.
He is very family oriented so wanted to spend that time with mine.
So yes, if we were to go away together as a couple it would have been during that time but now we are booked to take my dc away.
The week away together would have meant him sacrificing some time in September with his dc, and he won't do it. He says he would feel too guilty.
The ex is going in July and so he has the dc for extra time and he's delighted.

I suppose I just feel resentment. I would like us to have couple time but he would rather have me around with his dc.
I'm not their mum, I want him as a partner and to spend time alone.
It feels like the only time we spend alone is when he doesn't have the dc and he doesn't want to be alone.

Are we never going to have an adult holiday alone ??

This would be a dealbreaker for me, no adult holidays for years sounds depressing

It's lovely that he's prioritising going away with yours too.

What about weekends/ short breaks away as has been suggested?

Clearly this won't ever change you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not

I think this is it.

Wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but that's more because I can only afford one holiday a year

I think you need to decide that is more important for you, going away with just him or going away with your two kids and having him join you.

I think it is very unfair to ask him to give up time with with his children, especially given their age and the issues his son has, to go away with just you. You have two weeks to vacation with him in the summer, you have chosen to include your kids in that.

Why can't you go away in this country so he's around if there'sa problem. I've stayed in really lovely places all over the country so you'll easily find somewhere within 100-200 miles of your house. So if there's an emergency, you can get home in 2-3 hours. There won't be an emergency but it will build up his confidence to leave them to go abroad.

Omg how wet...

Given your children are adult can’t you spend part of the holiday with them alone? Maybe a few days of it doing separate things?

I think his decision makes sense for him as a parent. He’s already away from them 2 weeks with your family I can see he doesn’t want another long stretch away from them.

Howvwer I would also understand if that didn’t match what you want out of a relationship

It sounds as though he is happy to go away without his children as long as it’s not on his time with them which is fair enough?

I’m surprised he is going away with your DC and not his, could you maybe go away as a couple during that time?

Neither of you are in the wrong, just incompatible to this respect. I wouldn’t cancel my DC to go on a couples hol.
mind you I wouldn’t go away with someone else’s DC and not my own.

So the 2 weeks that their mum has them is the time we are taking my 2 away. right then that's the time you could have gone away with him. I'm sorry but why would be give up time with his kids. Just go away for a break the next time he doesn't have his kids.

I think your DP is right on this one.
You have a two week window you could have had couple time, but you're taking your kids away - fair enough. I wouldn't give up time with my kids if I only saw them half the time anyway.

You don’t even need to articulate your resentment OP, it’s there to be seen

“VERY hands on”
and your quote marks around his son “needing” him.

Sacrifice your holiday with your kids rather than ask him to sacrifice his contact time.

Go away together in the other week you have off from the children in August. Is this the first time this issue has come up in 3.5 years?

Maybe clarify with him if it’s that he’s happy to do it at some point, just not two full weeks in two months at a time which it seems they’ll be out of routine. It may be he’s happy to go away early October or another month.

We've been looking at hotels in Greece, we've been so close to booking and then this afternoon he's literally said he will struggle at the thought of leaving his ds with his mum.
It's so frustrating.
We've had weekends away but it looks like abroad won't happen.
My dds are 19 and 20 so I am really past bucket and spade holidays but I agreed to go with him on his with his small dc as he is " mourning the family he should have had "..
I don't mind stepping in and doing those things but no adult holidays ever??

What can I say to him ?.
I dont know how to broach my disappointment

You don't.

Change your plans and go away with just him during the week vacation you had planned with your two adult DDs.

Then go away on your own with your adult DDs another time.

He isn't disappointing you. Your expectations are unrealistic.