Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

How long do you keep a room for the DSC?

228 replies

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 21:15

How long do you keep a room for the DSC? Do you think it would be ok for us to downsize and get a two bed or a 2 bed and a box? We would be able to live somewhere nicer then. We could get pull out sofas for the two DSC?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:07

toomuchlaundry · 30/05/2023 07:43

@Rubychews did you never go home for Christmas? Many students come back home to live after university nowadays too due to cost of housing. Maybe they will choose to live with Dad which might upset @peacelemon

Oh shut up. Why would it upset me?

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 30/05/2023 08:08

@peacelemon I think there's a difference between having a spare room that's owned by no one that DSC or Dc can use.

And a personal shrine to DSC well into adulthood. The first is reasonable. The second is battshittery unless you have money to blow. As most people don't.

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:08

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 07:50

So swap the bedrooms around then?

Don't move house and downsize so the stepchildren have to sleep on the sofa - talk about being made to feel unwelcome!

Show quote history

Not the sofa. A sofa bed. And in a room they could close off and basically treat as their room when they are here.

OP posts:
NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 08:10

WomanFromTheNorth · 30/05/2023 07:48

Just because there's no legal obligation, you're still a cunt if you stop supporting your kids at 18 when they're at uni.

Show quote history

What about the countless parents who simply can't afford to do this? And let me guess, if a 'together' family can't afford it, its just economics, but if a blended family don't have the cash, then they're c*nts?

Creamyoda · 30/05/2023 08:10

peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:08

Not the sofa. A sofa bed. And in a room they could close off and basically treat as their room when they are here.

Show quote history

Sounds fine to be honest, once a child has moved away even if they come back to visit this set up isn't unreasonable.

Iwannadancewithsomebodyy · 30/05/2023 08:12

Why shouldn't they live with their mum in the holidays? How is it OPs problem to sort out?
If you want to downsize, then do it OP.
I'd never have DSC living with us as an adult. It's your home to have whatever sleeping arrangements you choose.

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:12

candlesflamesandbrooms · 30/05/2023 08:08

@peacelemon I think there's a difference between having a spare room that's owned by no one that DSC or Dc can use.

And a personal shrine to DSC well into adulthood. The first is reasonable. The second is battshittery unless you have money to blow. As most people don't.

Yes thank you that has given food for thought. Perhaps we do need to make sure there's a spare room - we could always put the home office stuff in the corner of that. Then DC can have the biggest room and move out if both of them come to visit at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:15

I don't know why he's being called a c*unt for stopping maintenance payments to his ex when each DSC leaves for uni. She owns her house outright and works part time even though the kids are old enough and at secondary school. DH's payments are more than enough for their needs. If he stops them he will have more money. Then he can give the DSC half the amount or a lump sum or whatever he sees fit none of my business.

OP posts:
Kitkattt · 30/05/2023 08:19

We’ve always kept a bed for my step daughter. She started in own room and then it went to a bunk bed with sister and then when she was about 18 my daughter got a bed with a pull out one underneath.
we are lucky and have a spare room now that’s always referred to as ‘ step daughters’ room although she barely stays in it and it only has about three token items of hers in it.
If we didn’t have a spare bed tbh then I would be inclined to put one of my kids on a sofa bed and let my step daughter have s room for a few nights if they were only staying occasionally.

toomuchlaundry · 30/05/2023 08:19

@NosyHamster if they have been paying maintenance then they should be able to continue paying something once they are at uni.

@Iwannadancewithsomebodyy what happens if they decide they want to live with dad?

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:21

@Kitkattt Yes I think that's what we'd do, only thing is there's two of them so perhaps we'd have to get a sofa bed anyway so we can sleep on that and one of them have our bed and DC can have a camp bed or something. It's just all the logistics for making sure we can fit everyone in!

OP posts:
Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:23

toomuchlaundry · 30/05/2023 08:19

@NosyHamster if they have been paying maintenance then they should be able to continue paying something once they are at uni.

@Iwannadancewithsomebodyy what happens if they decide they want to live with dad?

They aren't going to want to live with us. We live in a worse area. The college is worse than the one at their mums. The eldest has already made it clear she thinks we live in a shit hole.

OP posts:
SmallbutMighty1 · 30/05/2023 08:26

Everyone snapping at you here but I have 2 SC and when I needed to move DS1 into their room I did it whatever. They were about 19/14. They only stayed during holidays anyway!

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:29

SmallbutMighty1 · 30/05/2023 08:26

Everyone snapping at you here but I have 2 SC and when I needed to move DS1 into their room I did it whatever. They were about 19/14. They only stayed during holidays anyway!

I mean I kind of get it. It's like at the moment they have a room but we'd be taking that away from them. But that's why I've asked when that would be something to consider. It seems once they've gone to Uni is the answer. That makes sense.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 08:30

Iwannadancewithsomebodyy · 30/05/2023 08:12

Why shouldn't they live with their mum in the holidays? How is it OPs problem to sort out?
If you want to downsize, then do it OP.
I'd never have DSC living with us as an adult. It's your home to have whatever sleeping arrangements you choose.

Because their dad is their parent too?

Why shouldn't he be responsible for housing his children? What if mum became unwell or died?

Original poster
peacelemon · 30/05/2023 08:34

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 08:30

Because their dad is their parent too?

Why shouldn't he be responsible for housing his children? What if mum became unwell or died?

Show quote history

So now we need to make sure we have a bedroom big enough for the two of them incase their mum dies?

If their mum dies they inherit her house which is massive and will set them up to both buy their own flat if they decide to sell it.

OP posts:
bamboonights · 30/05/2023 08:45

WaitingfortheTardis · 29/05/2023 22:43

I'd say not until they are finished uni and have a job and somewhere stable to live. What does your husband, their father, think? Personally I will always have a room in my home for my child.

This. 100% agree.

NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 08:52

OP, you are a step parent so unless you offer them permanent, luxury accommodation, you will always be criticised. There is no common sense with step families. For what it's worth, your proposals sound quite reasonable to me.

DiscoBeat · 30/05/2023 09:12

We kept my two stepchildren's rooms until they had bought their own houses, so in their 20s!

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 30/05/2023 09:15

I grew up with half brothers ie: my DM's step sons. They always had a room. Even when we very hard times financially, we moved house to a cheaper area so they could still have a room (rather than smaller house in the same area). "The boys" were always welcome in our (their father's) house and they have a wonderful relationship with dm/their step dm. DDad died 30 years ago and we children all now in our 50s/60s. My DM is the only parent still alive. One of my DBros has just moved back from overseas to help look after her through cancer treatment. Please make your step children welcome. Not giving them a room when they are still regular visitors is not making them welcome.

DiscoBeat · 30/05/2023 09:15

the grand reshufflingings
Grin

Kitkattt · 30/05/2023 09:19

I think it’s a lovely idea to keep children’s and step children’s rooms until they leave uni and buy their own homes etc but im
not sure that’s achievable for everybody. We have a spare room so my step daughter has s bed but it’s a spare room. At her mums house her room gets let out all summer to students so she doesn’t have her bedroom there either. It’s just life. We all have to do the best we can. OP is asking the question not throwing the kids out onto the street.

BSB30 · 30/05/2023 09:19

If they only stay once a fortnight then it does seem pointless to have their own dedicated room if you want to move house. If they lived with you full time or 50/50 then that would be different.

BSB30 · 30/05/2023 09:22

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 22:27

Their current age isn't really important I more just wanted to know roughly when it was ok not to give them their own room. I'm thinking by the time they've gone to Uni? They are both the same gender.

My step son is 10, lives with his mum and visits his dad here and he doesn't even have his own room.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/05/2023 09:29

Jesus OP your brave 😀 they are step children so you need to keep a room/shrine available to them FOREVER. In reality, especially if you and DH need to downsize or want to move to a nicer area, then it's when they go to uni.
I think its very sad when you see adults over 18 still sticking to contact schedules. It's failure to thrive and shows a complete lack of independence. Yes, make sure there's a sofa bed for when they come and visit so they can crash but they don't need their own room. They should be seeing mum, you guys, mates etc.