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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Son doesn't like my partner

153 replies

Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 10:17

Have been with my partner for 2 years now, he stays over at mine half the week. My daughter seems OK with him and gets along with his daughter. My son is deeply unhappy with the situation. He feels left out when the daughter stays over and can't stand my partner.
We had some teething problems at the beginning, my partner told my kids off a few times, not harshly or loud, just stop doing that... but my son took it badly. I saw it as no different to if my son was at a friends house and did something wrong, I would expect their parent to tell him. My ex told my son it's not OK, so he felt justified and things have been bad ever since.
I discussed with my partner and he leaves all the disapline to me now and has for some time but the situation isn't improving. I'm worried it never will.
I'm trying to keep the right balance between keeping my kids happy whilst not letting them rule my life.
Anyone in a similar situation or has been? Really need some support. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my son, but I dont want to end this relationship with a man who treats me so well and does all he can for me and the kids because of some small mistakes in the beginning. We are both learning at this blended family thing as we go and I feel like my son is being unforgiving over small things that happened months ago.

OP posts:
Fantina · 15/05/2023 10:18

How old is your son?

Original poster
Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 10:19

12 years old

OP posts:
Fantina · 15/05/2023 10:20

Can you ask your partner to leave the parenting to you? The same way a grandparent or auntie or uncle would do if you were present? My DM would wait for me to step in if my DC needed chastising for something if we were together.

can you time his presence to coincide with when your DC are at their dad’s? Not completely just mostly?

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2023 10:23

How can you share a house with someone your 12 year old doesn't like? Live separately until the kids are doing their own thing.

AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 15/05/2023 10:25

Why is the daughter staying over too?

I have sympathy for your boy. A new father figure muscling in, having to be told to back off.

Hell121 · 15/05/2023 10:25

Agree with @MorrisZapp - 2 years isn’t a long time to know someone. Any you spend time together when the children are with their other parents? Was him living there half the week discussed or imposed?

Original poster
Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 10:27

I have asked him and he has stepped back completely but my son still feels uncomfortable when he's around.
The kids aren't seeing their dad as much recently and no overnight stays due to safety concerns.

OP posts:
VerasRaincoat · 15/05/2023 10:30

Poor boy I can guess who’s needs are being prioritised here and it isn’t his.

You should never introduced your son into your relationship until you had set ground rules first, and telling him off should have definitely been left to you not who he will see as a threat to his safety and his relationship with his mum.

Tread very carefully op or you risk damaging the relationship permanently. It’s not on him to ‘get over’, it’s for you to built back trust, and that’s not a given.

LaDamaDeElche · 15/05/2023 10:31

Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 10:19

12 years old

Really difficult age anyway, taking away the issues he has with your boyfriend. Perhaps cut down the time he spends at your house and see him independently for dates and things and give your son some breathing space.

MeridasMum · 15/05/2023 10:31

I think your son must feel like he has dropped in terms of your priorities, and the way you have described it here, he's right.

He's 12, just a child, of course everything you do should have their best interests at heart. You don't want your kids ruling your life? But unfortunately, by deciding to become parents, that's what we do.

Stop the overnights while your children are home. It's your son's home as much as yours, doesn't he get to feel safe and comfortable there?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/05/2023 10:34

Half the week sharing the home with someone he doesn’t like, and their child, is too much.

And I say that as someone who has a blended family.

You need to step it back until your son is comfortable with it. Especially as there’s obviously a lot going on with their father as well.

JulieHoney · 15/05/2023 10:37

Your partner shouldn't be staying half the week if it's damaging your relationship with your son.

Your chose to be a parent, prioritise your children's wellbeing over your dating life until they are old enough to have some independence. At 12, he's stuck at home living with someone he dislikes who tried to reprimand him when he had no business doing so.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 15/05/2023 10:38

Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 10:27

I have asked him and he has stepped back completely but my son still feels uncomfortable when he's around.
The kids aren't seeing their dad as much recently and no overnight stays due to safety concerns.

I would say this is your real issue. They aren’t seeing their dad much (safety concerns?) and this new guy coming in taking his place. He probably feels he’s betraying his dad.
Do the boys do anything together? I would check with your son and make sure there’s nothing going on you don’t know about. Assure him he’s not taking his dads place, and then ask him to make an effort. At 12 he should be able to do that.

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/05/2023 10:39

See your partner separately and don't have him stay over
your poor son

BusterGonad · 15/05/2023 10:42

Poor kid. It looks like you've prioritised your need for a man over your children's needs. It happens all the time and we're forever reading about the consequences, usually in the papers but there you go.

ringsaglitter · 15/05/2023 11:00

My opinion might be unpopular, but I grew up with my mothers boyfriend in the house, and it ruined my childhood. Because they're not a parent, it's like having a stranger in the house so you don't feel like it's really 'your home' as a kid.

There's also not a strong enough bond for their 'discipline' to be anything but damaging - especially if there's not a good aspect of the relationship.

As I got older, I've found a lot of others shared the same experience as me, and there's even research to show that it can be damaging. My cousin was even sexually abused by 2 of my aunts ex- boyfriends, and 22 years later my aunt still has no idea

Having said that, I do know that there are blended family's that work, so if anyone is in that situation then I think that's great, but I'd be cautious as you may lose your son in the long run. You might find that you can't have both your son AND partner

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2023 11:04

I'm sorry but I just don't agree with this (your) attitude.
This is a question often posed on these boards.
The answer to me is very very simple, and imo, absolutely obvious and non-negotiable.
Your partner doesn't stay over half the week any more. You see him only separately from your children.
I would prioritise my son every single time.

lunar1 · 15/05/2023 11:10

Your children are obviously having a rough time if there are also safety issues with their dad. I think you have to look at the bigger picture for your children right now.

Im are the issues with their dad likely to resolve? I couldn't make my children live with a man they don't like half the week. Home is the place you should feel safe and secure, it's so sad that so many children don't have that.

WelpWhat · 15/05/2023 11:12

BusterGonad · 15/05/2023 10:42

Poor kid. It looks like you've prioritised your need for a man over your children's needs. It happens all the time and we're forever reading about the consequences, usually in the papers but there you go.

This. Sort it out, OP. Your partner's presence is making your son miserable. It's not on. Put your kid first.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2023 11:27

Well IMO it wasn't inappropriate for your DP to gently reprimand him, like you say, just like any other non related adult would. I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to be able to do that.

The that said, perhaps you need to scale back how much he is around at this stage and think of the long run.

I feel for you both.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/05/2023 11:28

I think the key question here is about priorities.

What is more important to you? Your son’s comfort and happiness in his home or your sex life?

LaDamaDeElche · 15/05/2023 11:38

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/05/2023 11:28

I think the key question here is about priorities.

What is more important to you? Your son’s comfort and happiness in his home or your sex life?

While I don't agree that the OP is necessarily handling this situation right, that comment is a bit unnecessarily. She's doesn't have a revolving door of men in her children's house. She has a boyfriend who she's been seeing for a decent amount of time who she loves. Single parents have no less right to companionship and love than married/other couples. The OP just has to find a compromise in this and make sure her son is ok. He is 12, which is a notoriously difficult age anyway, and it sounds as if things weren't handled too well at the start.

AnonyMenOhPee · 15/05/2023 11:43

You need to put your child first. Stop bringing a man into your house that your child doesn’t like and can’t get away from. Your kid doesn’t need to get over it - you need to take several big steps back in your relationship and go at a pace that both your children are happy with. Without making it your sons fault in his eyes. your child is more important than your love life

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/05/2023 11:48

LaDamaDeElche · 15/05/2023 11:38

While I don't agree that the OP is necessarily handling this situation right, that comment is a bit unnecessarily. She's doesn't have a revolving door of men in her children's house. She has a boyfriend who she's been seeing for a decent amount of time who she loves. Single parents have no less right to companionship and love than married/other couples. The OP just has to find a compromise in this and make sure her son is ok. He is 12, which is a notoriously difficult age anyway, and it sounds as if things weren't handled too well at the start.

Show quote history

Parents, whether married or single, should put their children’s needs ahead of their own wants.

standardduck · 15/05/2023 11:53

I would cut back on time your partner spends at your house. Can you see him at his instead?

Your son should not feel uncomfortable at his own home for half a week.

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