Son doesn't like my partner

[Tulip55]

Have been with my partner for 2 years now, he stays over at mine half the week. My daughter seems OK with him and gets along with his daughter. My son is deeply unhappy with the situation. He feels left out when the daughter stays over and can't stand my partner.
We had some teething problems at the beginning, my partner told my kids off a few times, not harshly or loud, just stop doing that... but my son took it badly. I saw it as no different to if my son was at a friends house and did something wrong, I would expect their parent to tell him. My ex told my son it's not OK, so he felt justified and things have been bad ever since.
I discussed with my partner and he leaves all the disapline to me now and has for some time but the situation isn't improving. I'm worried it never will.
I'm trying to keep the right balance between keeping my kids happy whilst not letting them rule my life.
Anyone in a similar situation or has been? Really need some support. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my son, but I dont want to end this relationship with a man who treats me so well and does all he can for me and the kids because of some small mistakes in the beginning. We are both learning at this blended family thing as we go and I feel like my son is being unforgiving over small things that happened months ago.

I don’t know why you bothered posting tbh.

You obviously aren’t going to prioritise your child over your bloke.

Why is he staying at yours half the week? Is that the half of the week he has his DD?

Sounds convenient.

I think some
time alone with you and ds might help. I doubt it would matter who you were seeing, your ds is not liking the change of dynamics and this appears fuelled by your ex. It’s just a case of prioritising your son and making a bit of a fuss of him, but no I would nt stop your partner staying and I would t back down. You don’t want to be alone because your kids are ruling your life, then they go off to uni to do as they please and leave you lonely .
can you get him involved in something he would enjoy and give him a new focus ?

I agree. Or as i have sneeringly seen it referred to on Mumsnet as the "fanny gallops". Internalized misogyny indeed.

Yes I’d be cutting time back with your new partner. Your DS at age 12 is just about to hit what I think are the ‘vulnerable years’ 13 to 15 when it’s easy to feel really unconfident, especially for a boy who no longer sees his Dad and has to cope with the conflicted feelings that his Dads house is not safe.

That is a LOT for a young boy.

If your relationship is solid, then a few years being a bit more distant will fine. But your boy - it’s only a few years before he’s up for his own life so I’d give him as much as I could. Don’t force him to like your DP, just spend more time with him one to one.

I'm really surprised at these responses, must be lots of martyrs perfect parents out there who are willing to sacrifice their own happiness for their kids and are who are in this exact situation...

I would try and build on the relationship between your ds and your partner op, have they got any common interests? Anything they could do together?

I would keep the lines of communication open, ask your Ds what would help, what his concerns are?

I don't think it's fair to expect you to put all your needs on the back burner until your kids got grown up 🙄

I agree,it really does feel like a stranger in the house, I left home very young because of it.

Not sure people are saying OP should put all her needs on the backburner, just that half the week with DP (and DD) is too much right now, to dial back to one night at her house and rebuild from there. Nothing martyrish about that, just seems sensible given all the abuse and upheaval the boy has been through.

I would step the relationship back a bit. No stopping over for now and some outings with a view to building their relationship, try to find common interests. Also make sure you and your son have time together

Thank you for all your comments, even the misogynistic ones and the presumptuous ones, I take all on board no matter how harsh.
I have been that martyr mother for the majority of my kids lives. I took constant put downs and spent every day trying to counteract the things they heard from their dad with positive messages. Their dad is learning to be better and has improved since we split but his partner became a safety risk. This is a recent development, before this the kids were with him more often and didn't see my partner as often.
I am of course going to reduce the time he spends here whilst the kids are here full time, whilst their dad gets his life back in order and my partner fully supports that.
I have multiple nights just us and when partner is here I still spend 1-1 time with both kids, to show them they are still my priority. They don't like it if I go away for the weekend when they are with their dad, because they feel left out...does that mean I should sit home alone when then are not there? No.
We have just found an interest my partner and son both share and we are going to try doing it together.
I was looking for some feedback from people in similar situations, to feel that it isn't a lost cause, if we do things right and give him the space he needs.

Did you feel uncomfortable at home when he was there? I remember feeling jealous as opposed to uncomfortable. I used to make my mum sleep in bed with me and if I woke up and she had gone to their bed I'd call her in. I was a bit younger then though, around 9 I think.

And looking back, is there anything you think your mum/step dad could have done differently/better for you?

And looking back, is there anything you think your mum/step dad could have done differently/better for you? My mum, plenty. She wasn't a good mother. I actually think him being in the picture saved our relationship from
being even more toxic tbh. I guess there were times I felt he should have stepped in more when my mum was being a nightmare and there were times I felt it was very much them v me. I see now I'm older, that it's a difficult situation though, as parents tend to stand together on things in front of their kids. He was a bit annoying sometimes, and I used to argue with him a lot and do the whole "you're not my dad" thing, which now I can see must have been hurtful when you're there doing everything for a kid who isn't your own. At the time I was 13 or 14 and didn't give a shit though.

These comments are unbelievable. If someone wasn’t put off of dating someone with children before reading them then I’m 100% sure they would be after.
If you want to let someone fall in love with you then decide their feelings won’t ever matter, choose when/if they are allowed to see you, expect them to be ok with being booted because a child did something wrong then got offended because they got pulled up by an adult, and to hold a position of zero respect while children rule the grown ups, I would suggest to stay single and focus on your children until they are grown and you’re on your own. It’s really not fair to choose who’s feelings matter and who’s don’t. The best thing is to master considering everyone’s feelings, unfortunately I read over and over again on here that it just isn’t something that happens.

Many of the comments on here are very harsh and deliberately shaming. While it sounds like some mistakes were made at the beginning, that's pretty normal for blended family life. Yes, ask your partner to take a big step back, but there's no need for him to move out. You deserve happiness too and these things can take a while to settle down. What's your relationship like with BD? You both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet or any future relationship you have will struggle to get beyond interference from your ex. Your son's reaction is understandable and he's now had his childish view of things confirmed by the parent who in his eyes is giving him what he wants. But it's still your house and your rules. If you ask your current partner to leave, what sort of message is that sending to your son? That he has a say over who you date. You're well within your rights to ask for basic respect from all houeshold members to one another, it's a basic lifeskill.

Focus on building relationships in pairs - you/partner, you/son, partner/daughter, partner/son etc. - before you try hanging out as a family. Patricia Papernow talks about how to build a successful family in her book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Thriving-Stepfamily-Relationships-Patricia/dp/0415894387. She's the leading expert - there are not too many of those around when it comes to stepfamilies, so be careful whose advice you take on board! Remember, adults have needs too and children are adaptable, so long as they receive love, attention and a feeling of safety. I'd say the main issue is the co-parenting relationship - if both parents are on the same page, it sends a much stronger and more comforting message to the kids.

I agree. If we were talking about an abusive partner, it would be completely different, but most kids are difficult at that age and don't want to share their mum with anyone. They are inherently selfish, which is normal developmentally in the early teenage years, and should be taught to consider others feelings as well as their own - a key skill in life. They need to feel heard, but they also need to listen and consider other people in the family are important too. A psychologist said to my daughter that parents are people too, not just parents. They have the same emotions as you do and respect has to be a mutual thing. I absolutely agree with him and I think some of us are doing our children a disservice by making them the centre of the universe and pandering to them absolutely. There is a middle ground here.

Absolutely this.

I think you owe it to your son to take a huge step back. Him staying half the week is too much, clearly. Prioritise your child.

I recently separated from my young children's father. I will never move a man into their home unless they are 100% comfortable.

I think I’ll go and comment on all the threads by stepmothers whose DSCs clearly hate them but are being validated that their have a right to be happy with their DSCs dad that they must have a “solid gold vagina” 🤮 the double standards on this thread are disgusting. And no, I don’t agree there is a massive difference between the RP and non Rp relationship. Not unless you want there to be to justify constantly bitching about your DSCs and their mothers.

Ouch. Bit bitter about something personal there. Sorry you’re hurting.

Prioritise your son. I have a female relative who broke up with a partner cause her daughter just didn't like him. Respect for her. She's now with someone else, happy who her kids like.

It's really tough OP. DD2 had a great relationship with my ex partner. They got on well and she liked him. Until she turned 12 and her Dad was in her ear all the time about it. I've the course of a few months she became spiteful towards ex and wouldn't even be in the same room as him. He was a quiet person and their personalities were very opposing.

I loved him and I was really upset at her behaviour. I didnt show her that but she probably picked up on it. It felt really hurtful and like she wouldn't allow me to happy-on a visceral level. Logically however I reasoned she was 12, lots going on hormonally, she needed more of my attention, and it wasn't a spiteful decision on her part.

I split up with the boyfriend in the end. She was more important and it was never going to work. It was a bit shit for me tbh. But it's been the right decision for us a family

To give some light at the end of the tunnel-she was a bit older when I met now Dh. And she loved him from
The get go. So it can work, but a lot of it is about timing and what's going on around the child and the new relationship-and the person involved of course-some
People just get on better than others-no rhyme nor reason to it.

Pp have been harsh here. Of course you have a right to love and support and you will need it after a horrible previous relationship. But you will have to back seat it a bit for now I think.

How old is the DSD 2? 15?
The DS is just moving in to teenage, sexual feelings etc And a girl moves into his house. How big is the house - do the DCs have privacy in their rooms?
Does DP share an interest with his DSS - ? sport, does he do the drop offs and pick ups. Stand on the football line occasionally?
Does DP cook the evening meal or is he just more work taking OP away from the DC?
Somehow the initial post gives am image of a household living on top of each other with little going on outside.

You have the right intentions, but have you ever been in the position of the DC before? Because I have, and it is a lot more complex than it might seen and ultimately having him there for half a week when DC is uncomfortable will do so much harm in the long term