Son doesn't like my partner

[Tulip55]

Have been with my partner for 2 years now, he stays over at mine half the week. My daughter seems OK with him and gets along with his daughter. My son is deeply unhappy with the situation. He feels left out when the daughter stays over and can't stand my partner.
We had some teething problems at the beginning, my partner told my kids off a few times, not harshly or loud, just stop doing that... but my son took it badly. I saw it as no different to if my son was at a friends house and did something wrong, I would expect their parent to tell him. My ex told my son it's not OK, so he felt justified and things have been bad ever since.
I discussed with my partner and he leaves all the disapline to me now and has for some time but the situation isn't improving. I'm worried it never will.
I'm trying to keep the right balance between keeping my kids happy whilst not letting them rule my life.
Anyone in a similar situation or has been? Really need some support. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my son, but I dont want to end this relationship with a man who treats me so well and does all he can for me and the kids because of some small mistakes in the beginning. We are both learning at this blended family thing as we go and I feel like my son is being unforgiving over small things that happened months ago.

Can’t you feel supported and happy without having him living in your house half the week?

One child dislikes him, the other one sounds like she tolerates him.

Why not just date?

I have been the son in your situation with a mum who ignored how unhappy I was for her own benefit. It ruined our relationship because I came to know her as someone selfish, who had little regard for my feelings and who I could not trust with problems in life because they would be dismissed as unimportant. It has never changed.

This is what happens when parents choose to prioritise their romantic relationship instead of their children.

I'd reduce the boyfriend staying over to just 1 night per week and not bring his daughter.

It's difficult if your kids don't go to their dads as that would be your chance for spending time with your boyfriend. But I'd really cut back on it so that your DS doesn't feel uncomfortable in his own home.

My brother moved in with his partner and her 16 year old son and then a year later, they moved to another location ( a hour away by car) and became married and had a child.
17 year old son didn’t move with them as he knew his wishes were not taken into consideration, which were to stay near his friends and university. He didn’t feel valued or respected in the new family dynamic and to this day , 17 years later, the relationship between my sister-in-law and her son is very distant, and she has never regained the sense of closeness they once had.

Please don’t take offence at comments on here attempting to show the reality of your son’s feelings in this situation. It may feel devastating for your son at this time, to be experiencing a sense of uneasiness around your partner, yet feel as though you’re still placing you and partner’s relationship first, no matter how he feels.

What kind of father did you have Op? Can you see how your relationship with your father has a rippled effect in your life?
Your son has a crap relationship with his own father and this can have a destabilising impact on him as he becomes a young man, which he has no intention or control over until he gets to an understanding of how he feels about his father and others in the family.

Your son senses that he is not numero uno in your life at this time , whether intentional or not. It is very much in your hands to take care of his feelings and keep talking to him to help him understand that you would like him to know that your children are and always will be number one.

Are you sure you know what's going on? My mother never knew my stepfather used to terrorise me behind her back.
She doesn't believe me now many years later. I don't have anything to do with them now.
Make sure you know what if anything is going on.

It’s so hard and yet again it’s always the mother making all the sacrifices while the dad is swanning off doing whatever he pleases. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I think you have to prioritise your son. Maybe have your DP come over after 8pm so your DS has some time to have dinner and connect with you each night?

What half of the week does he stay? Is it every full weekend or midweek so your son can relax at the weekends?

What kind of father did you have Op? Can you see how your relationship with your father has a rippled effect in your life?

You simply don't know that, @Ifallelsefailschocolate. You've presumed too far, I think.

That said, OP, I would personally not tolerate my partner telling off my son like that, especially as it has had such a deleterious effect on their relationship, and yours, for that matter. He is bound to feel bottom of the pile. If he does need guidance, it should come from you-not that you should avoid it if it's warranted.

Gosh there is a lot of judgement on this thread. I wonder how many commenting have been in a similar position.

I echo @LaDamaDeElche ’s comments. My DP (and father of DC #3) lives with us. He is not father of DCs #1 and 2. DC#1 is 12 and her and my DP don’t particularly get on.

DP only moved in 4 years ago when we had DC #3, though we had been together for about 4 years before that. It’s challenging for both my 12 year old daughter and also my partner.

I try to spend 1.1 time with my daughter and don’t side with my partner etc. It’s challenging for all, and I don’t think there are easy solutions.

I think you need to prioritise your son and not have your DP around so much. Your first priority has to be your children and being uncomfortable in his own home is not good for DS. Sorry, but I would recommend cutting back your relationship with you DP and focussing on your DCs - especially DS.

I feel for the lad - being made to share your living space with someone you don't like is extremely stressful. And while that's going on, there's a situation with his own dad which seems to be related to safety, so he may well be feeling unsettled and unsafe just from that.
Add the beginnings of puberty into that, and he must be feeling like a fart in a tornado about now! Lots of things are happening TO him, and none of them are under his control.

If your partner is as lovely as you say, he might well be open to the idea of cutting back on the staying over, and spending more time together outside the house. It may not always have to be that way either, as your son grows and matures.

Sounds hardest for your oldest child. And these difficult situations are often avoided by not having babies with people your kids already don’t like. Likewise not having babies with people you and your kids haven’t ever lived with. You’ve introduced an awful lot of change into their lives, it’s not judgemental to point that out or to say that while you and your partner had a choice your children didn’t.

Ok so her son doesn't see his own father, but has to put up with a man he doesn't like living in his house for half the week? OP has children, her partner has children, what is wrong with living separately and just dating until they are older? Several other posters have shared their experiences of doing this since my post.

OP does your partner know your son feels incredibly uncomfortable having him in his home so much?

Is your partner interested in trying to relate to your son, or is he only interested in himself being right? Or is he only interested in making sure kids act the way he wants them to act?
Does he ever compliment your son, or ask him about his interests (this doesn't mean 'how's school' or 'how did that test go last week' by the way!! ) or does he support your son in conversations when everyone is there.
For example, would he be saying 'oh it's pizza, so Joe I know you like pepperoni so we need one of those anyway isn't that right?'

Or does your partner just more or less ignore your son.

Your son can see things you are blind to in the relationship.

Remember, this new partner is a new 'man' that's being brought into your son's space.
On the days your partner isn't there, you probably dote on your son.
Then the flow of your attention is quickly swiveled over to the 'other' man as soon as he walks in the door.

I can see how your son might feel excluded rather than included.

If you were there when the partner did the telling off and you stayed silent, that's where the hurt is.
You have to remember you are the most important person in your son's life.
It's just very hard for him to accept seeing you put this man first.

I've always maintained that if my DS didn't like him, I couldn't be with them - not until DS is far older anyway.
I couldn't have DS having to live with someone he disliked.

Your poor child. You knew your daughter didn't like this man but you choose to have a child with him. Sheer bloody madness. Don't be too surprised if your DD goes N/C in years to come.

The thing is, you're not succeeding in finding the balance, are you? You feel happy and supported, but your 12yo son is, as you yourself say, "deeply unhappy". In his own home. You've tried getting your partner to back off from discipline (it's worrying that you had to do that, btw), you've given it a bit more time, and your son hasn't warmed to this man and does not feel comfortable around him. So I would say that at this point, you aren't finding any sort of balance. You're making a straight choice between your own wellbeing (not just your sex life, your general wellbeing) and your son's. It's unfortunate that the choice is so stark, but it is. You've chosen your own interests - I think you need to own that, and accept that you probably won't have much of a bond with your son when he's older, because this is the sort of parental selfishness that children don't tend to forgive.

Thing is, children don't always know what's in their best interests. It's us as adults and parents that are there to guide them at the end of the day. He felt perfectly safe when he was at his dad's where he wasn't safe at all as it turned out.
I do agree that I could have moved things slower, and I regret that now but I did things a lot lot slower than their dad did with his partner and as neither child had an issue with that, I thought my much slower approach would be more than ok.

Unrelated men who your child already doesn't like, living in his home 50% of the time is very rarely what's in a child's best interest.

So as a stepparent you are supposed to live in a house with children and never, ever, discipline them or tell them off? That is insane.

He felt perfectly safe when he was at his dad's where he wasn't safe at all as it turned out.

Come on, now. How your son feels about his own father is in no way related to how he he feels about a stranger his mother is dating.

Thing is, children don't always know what's in their best interests.

Yes, but an adult should. We're not talking about proper diet here. We're talking about your son being forced to live half the week with a man he doesn't like, who probably doesn't like him very much either.

How would you feel if for half the week you were forced to be miserable living in your own home due to a family members selfishness?

This post is nothing more than a cynical deflection. You've already admitted that you're persisting with this arrangement for YOUR benefit, because you need to feel "happy and supported". You're wobbling because you know that in this instance, your needs are directly conflicting with those of your son, who feels neither happy nor supported, and who does not want this man in his life or his home. It's nothing to do with "what's best for him", or "guiding him", and it's nothing to do with his dad's relationship or whether things are safe there. This is a simple case of you putting your own wellbeing ahead of your son's. If you're going to do that, at least own it and accept the inevitable consequences.

But what if the step dad is genuinely loving and respectful, and the child is struggling with separated parents and a Dad who doesn't seem to care much or be very involved? His dislike of the stepdad may just be a focus for his general unhappiness. As far as I can see from what the OP has said the problem is NOT that the child has a Stepfather, but that his Dad is abusive and uninvolved. Unhappy children need time and help to deal with their feelings but they do not necessarily correctly identify the thing that is making them unhappy because they are children.

If the Step dad is being unpleasant or the child has reason to dislike him, then of course the OP should put her son's needs first. Its important that she really considers if there is anything happening that would justify her son's dislike, including talking to him about his feelings. But ultimately the step dad leaving would not solve her son's problem -- that he doesn't have a loving Dad.

Quoted for the absolute truth of it

I think you need to reduce the amount of time your partner is staying at your house. Can't you go down to one or two nights a week? Of course you can have a partner and a life but your son is unhappy with the current set up and I think just reducing the time he has to be living with your partner would make him feel better.