Son doesn't like my partner

[Tulip55]

Have been with my partner for 2 years now, he stays over at mine half the week. My daughter seems OK with him and gets along with his daughter. My son is deeply unhappy with the situation. He feels left out when the daughter stays over and can't stand my partner.
We had some teething problems at the beginning, my partner told my kids off a few times, not harshly or loud, just stop doing that... but my son took it badly. I saw it as no different to if my son was at a friends house and did something wrong, I would expect their parent to tell him. My ex told my son it's not OK, so he felt justified and things have been bad ever since.
I discussed with my partner and he leaves all the disapline to me now and has for some time but the situation isn't improving. I'm worried it never will.
I'm trying to keep the right balance between keeping my kids happy whilst not letting them rule my life.
Anyone in a similar situation or has been? Really need some support. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my son, but I dont want to end this relationship with a man who treats me so well and does all he can for me and the kids because of some small mistakes in the beginning. We are both learning at this blended family thing as we go and I feel like my son is being unforgiving over small things that happened months ago.

Buddercud
There's a fairly obvious that there's a big difference between a non-resident parent's new partner who sees a child every other weekend and a situation where a resident parent moves a partner 50-100% of the time.

Both resident and non-resident parent's should conduct their relationships in a way that is mindful of the children, introduce on appropriate timeframes, not push the children to accept someone playing mummy/daddy, etc.

No adult should accept rude behaviour from their partner's children or be expected to put up with it and no partner should expect to have their house turned upside down by their/their partner's children. It doesn't matter what the sex is. It doesn't mean that it would be acceptable for a partner to jump into discipline mode with someone else's child, especially if the child has already had a rough ride in terms of their exposure to adult relationships.

Because it it's ops fault she was abused wasn't it? Her husband taste in men just wasn't good enough! If was was simply better she wouldn't have been abused!*

Sigh. I literally say she's not to blame and that relationships are complex - too complex to get into all the ins and outs in a thread like this but clearly my point is that OP cannot claim to be modelling stable relationships in this scenario where her DS is unhappy and she's only two years in with the new guy, and no one knows at that point how secure it truly is, and it's even harder to tell when you've been in abusive relationships before. If you choose to take offence so be it, but none was intended.

(The rest of the post about the MH team and kids is your own unrelated issue. Nothing to do with me or my DC)

Lots of very judgemental comments here! Single parents are allowed new partners, they don't need to be martyrs until their kids are adults, is that 18, 21 25??? When they finally move out. If there is a specific concern it's entirely different but a 12 year old being grumpy that his mum has a long term partner is hardly a big deal, they are grumpy if they are living with their biological parents often. Set house rules, finding out what his (the ds) problems/concerns are, but unless there are red flags it's about learning to manage the situation.

One of my DD's was not happy that I moved to be with my dp, she was 21 so not a kid! It was really that she wanted me for herself, part of the furniture rather than as a happy human being. Yes she's older but has sen so seems younger

Why is his daughter staying over? Why is he staying at yours when he has her and not spending time with her instead?

I'm afraid I agree it would be better to see your BF outside the home and not living with you 50%. It sounds like there is a lot going on for your son (and your DD) and they would benefit from having their home back.

If your BF is a good parent and a good partner then he won't question this.

I had a quick look at your previous threads. You've all been through a lot with your ex. You have to remember that your son saw that awful relationship drag on and on. Then your ex upset him by forcing a new relationship on him. Then you met your new guy, who starting staying over very fast too, who crossed a line early on, which has likely triggered bad memories for your son who now fears being caught in another bad relationship.

I really don't think he is able to accept any man in his life yet.

Sometimes it it necessary for other family members, friends, or partners who aren't the child's parent, to step in and tell them not to do something.

I stayed at my boyfriend's with my child before and I was in the kitchen preparing dinner for her, bf worked nights at the time so was upstairs just getting up from sleep, he came down and walked thrkfhj the living room where my DD was sitting watching TV and I heard him say "Hey! Stop doing that, it coukd break?" He didn't shout but he obviously sounded a bit annoyed having just woken up and seeing her playing with his bank card he had left on the table. She was sort of bending it about apparently so it could have snapped. I was unaware of this because I can't see through to the kitchen, the door was open so I was checking periodically, she must have just started playing with it in the last couple of minutes. Even just that had my daughter upset! He was perfectly reasonable but I do remember being "told off" by people who weren't mum or dad before and it feels worse somehow. I don't think it's wrong though as long as it's not raising voices or dishing out punishments. I think your ex is causing a problem there with telling his son this is never allowed.

Sigh.

You said her taste in men is clearly the issue.
Again, I'm sure when you or your children are abused it'll be all their fault.

I am very much of the opinion that children shouldn't rule our lives. It's too late for people to say he shouldn't live with you etc, you've got a child together.
Is there another reason as to why he doesn't like or or just that he overstepped at the beginning? We are perfect and trying to blend is difficult for all involved. He's 12 and obviously has "daddy" issues with his own dad so is taking it out on your partner.
I have a 13 year old step son and bloody hell he's moody, grumpy and I dislike him at times. It's his age and I'm sure he will come out the other side. Not easy now but all children can be like this. I disagree that he should move out blah blah... children shouldn't have this much power. If he moves out, what's next- he's unhappy so quits school? Unless of course there's something more going on then it's probably just a clash of personalities and things will get easier.
Can they do a hobby together? Have they bonded properly? that's where I'd start... best of luck x
Best of luck

you've got a child together.

Where does she say that?

Why is his daughter staying over? Why is he staying at yours when he has her and not spending time with her instead?
I might have been on Mumsnet too long, but my cynical side would say because it means there's another adult (woman) on hand and the OP's daughter means his daughter has someone to occupy her during his contact time.

@Louoby
Things don't get better simply because we want them to get better. The OP's happiness is no more important that the child's comfort and happiness. The OP has an obligation to her child that he does not have to her. That is not the child having too much power; that is just the nature of the relationship.

This is her son's only childhood. I would imagine that this is not the OP's only relationship. The OP can and probably will have other relationships. The son cannot have another childhood.

The OP need not end her relationship, but she should not continue to inflict her partner on her child, particularly when there are other arrangements that can be made.

In this case , the OP seems to be saying, "I want this man on my terms , and I am willing to risk damage to my child to have him."

Unfortunately, that is a stance that many women take on a daily basis. Often times , for various reasons, the relationship ends, but the damage to the child lives on.

So you're going to keep things as they are and hope he'll see sense? Are you actually for real? Your partner must have a solid gold knob.

OP, does your partner know he is making your son miserable by bring in his home so much? If he knows, is he happy to still be there every week?

How are the days he is with you structured? Is he parenting his daughter and doing 50% of housework or does he let you do all that?

Are you getting any family time without your partner, who you know your son dislikes, being there? By this I mean is your partnrr leaving you with weekends to spend with your kids or is he always there on the 'fun" days with no school?

I appreciate people move on and I know plenty of families with step parents etc but if one of my kids hated a boyfriend, the boyfriend wouldn't be staying half of every week. It's not fair.

That’s exactly why I was asking, I’m wondering if the 12 year old has good reason to dislike him, because he isn’t exactly sounding like a prize catch so far.

All I can hope for your son is that if you continue to inflict on him a boyfriend on him too fast like you are now, that he moves out of home as soon as possible like I did in a similar situation. I keep my mother at arms length now because she didn’t put my happiness and well-being first and ruined my childhood so she doesn’t get to have a role in my life.

He has no control over his situation at all, you do as the adult. And instead of modelling a healthy relationship you are modelling to him, that his needs come last.

After reading this thread it’s very similar to my ex and his new partner she was in what she claimed to be a controlling relationship but within 6 months of that ending was in a relationship with my ex.

Within less than a year she had moved my ex in despite her children 10 and 12 disliking me ex and not speaking to him.

My ex admits he wants nothing to do with her children, meanwhile our 4 year old has to now blend her kids don’t really like him but I don’t blame them there lives have been turned upside down.

Why the big rush, put the children first!

@thethreemuskateers
I think that some adults, after experiencing what they perceive to be an unhealthy relationship, think that they are entitled to some happiness regardless of the cost or impact on their children. They function under the theory that their wants should matter more than any impact on the children. They think that they have earned the right to be happy.

They justify their willingness to ignore the impact on the children by claiming that the children should not have the power to make certain decisions. What they fail to realize is that the children unfortunately have no power , and yet they can be significantly damaged by the consequences of the parent's decision. Mom or dad got some level of happiness (often short lived) and the child experiences long term damage and estrangement.

It is so much easier to delay gratification or rearrange contact with a partner than it is to fix a broken or damaged child.

@Mari9999 you have articulated beautifully what I was clumsy trying to say upthread. My father (though a wonderful engaged father) cheated repeatedly on my mother - she then rebounded into a relationship when I was 4 years old which came to ruin my childhood. She used to blame my father and say he put me up to hating my stepfather. No, he was an unpleasant man who brought into my home unpleasant step siblings. She later admitted that he wasn’t that nice to me and she knew it, but felt she ‘deserved’ happiness. Well in her old age she has earned loneliness because he’s no longer in her life and I’ve long checked out.

This is certainly a factor with us, whenever there is upset in the exw life we get drama with the kids and some(most) is directed at me. It’s easier to direct anger/frustration/upset at another person rather than mum/dad.

Well said!

I would really struggle to refer to/classify the OP's DP as a stepdad/stepfather at this point, two years in and staying over half the week. The child inside me recoils from that and it's not because of issues with the biological dad, although no doubt they are huge and deep. But this (still) new guy is the OP's boyfriend, not in any way ready to be a stepdad figure to the struggling DS.