Son doesn't like my partner

[Tulip55]

Have been with my partner for 2 years now, he stays over at mine half the week. My daughter seems OK with him and gets along with his daughter. My son is deeply unhappy with the situation. He feels left out when the daughter stays over and can't stand my partner.
We had some teething problems at the beginning, my partner told my kids off a few times, not harshly or loud, just stop doing that... but my son took it badly. I saw it as no different to if my son was at a friends house and did something wrong, I would expect their parent to tell him. My ex told my son it's not OK, so he felt justified and things have been bad ever since.
I discussed with my partner and he leaves all the disapline to me now and has for some time but the situation isn't improving. I'm worried it never will.
I'm trying to keep the right balance between keeping my kids happy whilst not letting them rule my life.
Anyone in a similar situation or has been? Really need some support. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my son, but I dont want to end this relationship with a man who treats me so well and does all he can for me and the kids because of some small mistakes in the beginning. We are both learning at this blended family thing as we go and I feel like my son is being unforgiving over small things that happened months ago.

Are you really trying to kid yourself that it’s in your sons best interests for your boyfriend to live in his home half the time when they don’t get on, and you know that is a source of your son’s unhappiness?

Come on, it’s obvious that this situation isn’t in your sons best interests. It might be in your best interests for now, but it clearly isn’t in his.

If a relationship is meant to be, it will wait a few years until your children have grown up. If it isn’t strong enough to wait a few years, then it isn’t worth the damage it is causing right now.

You are trying to convince us having your boyfriend at your house is in your son's best interest?

Pull the other one.

Children don't recognise danger, I agree, but they certainly recognise when they are unhappy.

Your son does not have his dad and is unhappy at his mums. Why would you not slow down the staying over if it's still so bad after 2 years.

What are you teaching your ds?

Your son is unhappy at home

You want to find a means of making him happy which doesn't involve you having to give up what YOU want

Nice

At what stage in the relationship did you introduce your partner to your son? I mean how long were you together when your partner met your children?

This whole thread is a little insane. I played up with my stepdad a lot and was really jealous when my mum introduced us and was pretty mean to him when I was a teen. I have a great relationship with him now and see everything he did for me. This is a pretty common scenario. We're not talking about an abusive stepparent here.

OP, I think that it is important to remember that as adults you can get several do overs in new relationships, but unfortunately children only get one childhood. Mistakes in their one childhood are far me impactful than mistakes in your relationship. If it does not work out with this man ,you can always find another. Your son cannot go out and find another childhood.

You do not necessarily have to distance yourself from the man, but at a minimum your child should not have to interact with him within his home.

Women on MN often go on about home being their safe place or sanctuary, surely, your son should be able to feel that way as well.

Did you feel uncomfortable at home when he was there?

Your failing your son here dial it back to once a week.

There is a massive amount of judgement and projection here.

I have two sons, and a DP; like the OP I think made mistakes early on which I have acknowledged and discussed with my DS’s. One is very influenced by his abusive alcoholic father, who encourages him to dislike DP and so he does. People on this thread would say that I should prioritise my son and not be in this relationship. But what about my other son, who absolutely adores my partner, and would be absolutely devastated not to have him in his life as much? I don’t feel that allowing my abusive ex to effectively control the rest of my life is the answer. Or is it my fault again for choosing to have children with him
in the first place?

There is a lot of very disturbing misogyny on this thread.

Exactly this! Very much influenced by his father's opinions, always has been...also an abusive alcoholic.
I'm looking at the long picture here, seeing that me and my partner can provide a stable calm home together, a normal life that doesn't revolve around alcohol and does not glamorise drinking and smoking weed. Also showing my children what a secure relationship looks like, instead of the abusive one they witnessed growing up.
Ultimately I'm hoping that he will realise the truth eventually and know that we both want the best for him.

I am the poster that made the comment about prioritising your child or your sex life.

I used the phrase ‘sex life’ rather than ‘relationship’ because I have seen far too many woman who want and will accept a man, any man, in their lives rather than be single.

That may not be the case with the OP and I may be projecting my current feelings about a family member on to her.

I maintain that the child’s needs should be placed before the parent’s wants. There is no negotiation on that for me. However, a child needs to feel safe and secure in his own home and family. He does not need a parent to never, ever have another relationship again. The answer is in the parent separating child/family spheres from socializing/relationship/sexlife spheres.

Of course, there is also the option that the child doesn’t want a parent to have another relationship. That is a want, not a need, and as such it should be treated differently.

Hold on, you're not the poster who was going to just let her 12 year old go live with his pot smoking dad are you?

No I definitely am not!

You asked a question, and you got your answer. The answer from most people here is to significantly reduce the time your partner is at your home - which probably reduces the time you see your partner. That allows your son to relax at home and sadly, I know you don't like it, but that's where your obligation lies right now - above your own happieness.

I feel like you want to ask "How do I keep having my partner at my house half of the week and get my son to come around to being okay with it?" - If that's your question, the answer is you can't.

I think pp suggestions for reducing the time staying down to 1 night a week whilst the relationship is difficult are good. Dp needs to do this tactfully with no blaming of your son.

Id also ask dp to find something which he and ds can do together. It might be as simple as offering him a regular lift to a club, taking him to the gym or watching sports together. Ideally you’re looking for something that he wouldn’t usually do with you. Ask dp to be really reliable, consistent etc - he’s trying to demonstrate to your son that he can trust him.

The other thing which might help build a relationship is to spend some nice time together without him staying. Eg let’s go to the fair this afternoon, have a hot dog and then all go home to our own houses.

You say your son feels left out when your partner’s daughter is there as the girls are friends, so I think that you could let him invite one of his own friends when she’s there too.

Once you’ve done that for 6 months try reevaluating how it’s going. If the relationship is better then keep going. Maybe your partner could sometimes invite you all to stay at his in a way that your son can say no so that he has a bit more control.

Of course he is influenced by his father. Regardless of his father's failing, and there may be many, he will likely still love his father.

He's 12 years old, has experienced what the OP describes as an abusive relationship, he's seen his parents splitting up, his father's issues with alcohol, and now doesn't see his father as much (if at all).

His mum has since moved a man in 50% of the week along with her partner's daughter. The relationship between son and mum's partner is strained. The son feels uncomfortable and his mother is focused on how it's really in his best interests that she gets to build a great life with her boyfriend.

Is it any wonder he's not thrilled about the situation and might be craving some security at home?

The son feels uncomfortable and his mother is focused on how it's really in his best interests that she gets to build a great life with her boyfriend.

That sums it up. OP your focus should be your son not your partner. Your son is uncomfortable, not try and force him because it's what you want. You'll push him away.

The step parenting board is full of reluctant step mothers who resent their DSCs and are hostile to them when they visit either overtly or through trying to control how their DP parents them, and are validated by being told their DPs have a right to have a new relationship, it’s probably their mum’s influence, they have a right to have rules in their home, dscs have to learn that it’s not all about them…suddenly this all changes when a woman is in a new relationship, you’re expected to martyr yourself for your children, while facilitating their dad’s new relationship! I’m really appalled at the judgement here.

This. You can still have a relationship without him staying over. How awful for your son to be forced to live with somebody he doesn't like a

showing my children what a secure relationship looks like, instead of the abusive one they witnessed growing up.

To be fair, two years in, you've no idea if this is a secure relationship or not yet. The main thing I take is that your DS grew up with an abusive relationship - not witnessing but being part of it - and has still been living in one until recently while he was staying with his dad. Now that's been cut off but that's a hell of a thing to process, especially at that age, and you really think the answer is to play happy families by having DP stay over half the week, sometimes with his DD, believing this is some kind of model of stability for your DS?

Just think about it from your son's POV please. Beyond the love and hopes you're feeling for your DP. Your DS doesn't love him, doesn't even like him, and he's in his home half the week. DS can't even escape to his dad's because that's not safe. So nowhere feels safe. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. Don't paint it as happiness and stability and what's best for him. It really isn't and it's too soon and too much upheaval.

You don't know best. I'm sorry, but if you were a great barometer of guys, the abusive situation wouldn't have happened and the DP wouldn't have soured the relationship with your DS. Relationships are hard, I know, I'm not blaming you but you have to be less loved up on this. As many PPs say, the blindingly obvious answer is to reduce the sleepovers to one a week, without DD. Save the long term for the longer term. Focus on your DS for now before you send him down a teenage spiral.

Also, as another poster wisely surmised, your DS might see things in your DP that you don't. You've already been in one abusive relationship. He's going to have complex feelings from that and be on alert for your DP's issues. DP telling him off and needing to be reined in won't have helped. Your DP may very well not like your DS much, whatever he says, and DS may pick up on that. You don't know how the future of your relationship with DP will go but DS will always be your son. You can still date/live separately and be happy with DP, but both DS and you will be unhappy very long term if you don't get this right at this crucial stage. Cool it down for a couple of years until things are really stable.

Your approach seems to be at some point he is going to accept this. we made a mistake but if we double down it will be ok

you need to step back start again and rebuild it from the beginning properly

He is 12, have you actually had a grown up conversation with him. I'd bet a lot of his feelings are from his dad. Also if his sister and the other kid play when over then he would feel left out. Is their common ground, Luke board games they can do together? Let him chose the day out and bring a friend so there are 4 kids.

But.mist importantly make sure there is plenty of family time without your partner and kid. That doesn't mean I would ask him not to stay at all as that's the wrong message. He's of a difficult age and doing that will only fuel father to make him hate your partner's more. I wouldn't be afraid to let your boy know that dad may be influencing him either. He's old enough to get that.

Always, always put your children first. Your partner and his children shouldn't be staying in your home unless your children feel happy about it.