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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Son doesn't like my partner

153 replies

Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 10:17

Have been with my partner for 2 years now, he stays over at mine half the week. My daughter seems OK with him and gets along with his daughter. My son is deeply unhappy with the situation. He feels left out when the daughter stays over and can't stand my partner.
We had some teething problems at the beginning, my partner told my kids off a few times, not harshly or loud, just stop doing that... but my son took it badly. I saw it as no different to if my son was at a friends house and did something wrong, I would expect their parent to tell him. My ex told my son it's not OK, so he felt justified and things have been bad ever since.
I discussed with my partner and he leaves all the disapline to me now and has for some time but the situation isn't improving. I'm worried it never will.
I'm trying to keep the right balance between keeping my kids happy whilst not letting them rule my life.
Anyone in a similar situation or has been? Really need some support. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my son, but I dont want to end this relationship with a man who treats me so well and does all he can for me and the kids because of some small mistakes in the beginning. We are both learning at this blended family thing as we go and I feel like my son is being unforgiving over small things that happened months ago.

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 15/05/2023 11:59

Parents, whether married or single, should put their children’s needs ahead of their own wants Absolutely, however the judgement seems to be reserved for single parents - mothers especially. Parents also have a right to find happiness outside of their role as a parent. It's a fine balance that can be very tricky to navigate, but it is possible. Parents also shouldn't let children absolutely dictate their lives. I had an ex who used to freely admit that the reason his mum never had another partner was that he used to behave like a dick to any man that showed any interest in her, although he was ok with his dad having another relationship. As I said, things were not handled well from the start and the OP needs to make some changes and for her son to feel he is important. It doesn't mean the situation isn't salvageable, just needs some work and understanding.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2023 12:10

While I don't agree that the OP is necessarily handling this situation right, that comment is a bit unnecessarily. She's doesn't have a revolving door of men in her children's house. She has a boyfriend who she's been seeing for a decent amount of time who she loves. Single parents have no less right to companionship and love than married/other couples. The OP just has to find a compromise in this and make sure her son is ok. He is 12, which is a notoriously difficult age anyway, and it sounds as if things weren't handled too well at the start.

I agree with you. There's always a deliberate attempt to be derisive about parents having partners by reducing it to their "sex life".

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 12:21

Your poor son feeling uncomfortable in his own home

His own home because you insist on this boyfriend staying over

The answer is staring you in the face OP

Original poster
Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 12:23

I have been open in saying that mistakes were made at the beginning. Its my first relationship since splitting from their dad who was emotionally abusive, this whole situation is new to me and I am learning as I go...so is my partner.
I dont understand why there is so much judgement here.
I'm trying to find the balance between feeling happy and supported myself and being able to give both my children the support they need individually.

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 12:25

The main priority is your DC happiness and safety

Second is you

Last is the DP

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 12:25

There is no balance

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 12:27

A lot of things could be going on behind your back, very subtle things that you just don't really notice or don't think are that bad

ringsaglitter · 15/05/2023 12:27

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 12:25

There is no balance

This.

LaDamaDeElche · 15/05/2023 12:28

Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 12:23

I have been open in saying that mistakes were made at the beginning. Its my first relationship since splitting from their dad who was emotionally abusive, this whole situation is new to me and I am learning as I go...so is my partner.
I dont understand why there is so much judgement here.
I'm trying to find the balance between feeling happy and supported myself and being able to give both my children the support they need individually.

Single mothers are expected to remain single and blended families always damage children, so says a fairly vocal section of mumsnet. You sound like you're aware of things and trying to make it work and do your best. Ignore the judgement. I have a DP who isn't DD's dad, although he's been in her life since she was 5. They've always gotten on really well, but now she's 13 there are definitely challenges, but there are with me and her too, to be honest. It's a tough age. All the best with everything x

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 12:28

You can easily have a relationship with this man away from your home and DC

It's very weird that you're not doing this

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 12:33

OP if you had to live with someone you didn't like for half the week all the time what would do ?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/05/2023 12:38

Can't you see your partner out of the house or when your kids are at their Dads? Imagine how bloody miserable you would be if someone you didn't like came and lived in your house for half the week! No you shouldn't have to stsy single, but your kids should come before your partner in their own home.

Reugny · 15/05/2023 12:40

Mumof4alsoabonus · 15/05/2023 10:38

I would say this is your real issue. They aren’t seeing their dad much (safety concerns?) and this new guy coming in taking his place. He probably feels he’s betraying his dad.
Do the boys do anything together? I would check with your son and make sure there’s nothing going on you don’t know about. Assure him he’s not taking his dads place, and then ask him to make an effort. At 12 he should be able to do that.

Show quote history

This

I know men who actually get on (or got on due to death ) very well with their step-fathers. However they were introduced to them younger or older than your son was.

There as I know other men who don't get on with their step-fathers. They came into their lives around your son's age.

This means in the same family there are adults who don't get on with their step-father while their siblings who have brilliant relationships.

Unfortunately introducing a step-parent around puberty can have that effect and it needs the adult to make an effort to get on with the kid without trying to parent them.

Reugny · 15/05/2023 12:41

LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/05/2023 12:38

Can't you see your partner out of the house or when your kids are at their Dads? Imagine how bloody miserable you would be if someone you didn't like came and lived in your house for half the week! No you shouldn't have to stsy single, but your kids should come before your partner in their own home.

If you read the OP's posts you see there are issues with the kids going to their dad's.

BodenCardiganNot · 15/05/2023 12:41

When did you split from your ex?

KittyAlfred · 15/05/2023 12:42

My older son really struggled when I met my partner. He was 10 at the time and wasn’t used to me having a man in my life. My younger son was 6 and he was fine. My kids don’t have a dad so they’re with me all the time.

I made some big mistakes in the early months. Although DP only came to the house after the kids were in bed (and never stayed over) , we did go away for weekend together, the 4 of us, after only about 4 months. We had separate rooms in a hotel obviously, but it was still too much for DS. So I took a step back and we did things more gradually after that.

After about 2 years DP started staying over one night a week, and we also started going on family holidays together. By now DS was fine with it, and even suggested it himself.

We’ve been together 7 years now. DP comes on all the family holidays, but still only stays over one night a week, and has no involvement in rules or discipline.

I think you need to take a step back OP, reduce the amount of time your partner spends at your house, to demonstrate to your son that he is your priority. You’ll have plenty of time with your partner when your kids leave home.

SuperSange · 15/05/2023 12:43

Tulip55 · 15/05/2023 12:23

I have been open in saying that mistakes were made at the beginning. Its my first relationship since splitting from their dad who was emotionally abusive, this whole situation is new to me and I am learning as I go...so is my partner.
I dont understand why there is so much judgement here.
I'm trying to find the balance between feeling happy and supported myself and being able to give both my children the support they need individually.

It's not a balance. Your son comes first. Certainly above a two year relationship. Poor lad.

caringcarer · 15/05/2023 12:49

Rightly or wrongly your partner alienated your DS at the outset of the relationship. I never understand why a mother would introduce a new boyfriend to a child so soon. There was no need for your son to have even met your new partner for over a year surely. Now you will need to take a step back. Only allow your new partner to sleep over once a week and not bring his DD too. Make an effort to spend some quality time with your D's especially but both your DC. Go out on dates with your partner but get a babysitter for your DC. Sleep over at DP accommodation once a week and do this until your DC both feel ok with your new partner. When I started dating after my first marriage broke up I only introduced my new partner to my DC after about 14 months. Then DP made an effort to do nice things with DS who was 10 at the time. The first thing we all did together was to go to see a firework display then fish and chips after. I did not allow DP to stay overnight for several more months. It sounds like you rushed your DC by having DP overnight too soon and now DS resents him to the point he makes him feel uncomfortable in his own home. You need to fix it quickly or you'll lose your son's love and respect.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 15/05/2023 12:51

Since your Son was 10 years old you have made him suffer having someone in his home he doesn't like. Think about this. If your son told you he didn't like the football coach, Scout leader or other male adult, would you listen ? So why not listen now ?

JulieHoney · 15/05/2023 12:52

You rushed it, your boyfriend overstepped and your son is unhappy. There's a fair bit of damage to unpick.

The only way to rescue this is to pull back, only have him come over once a week or when the children aren't there, and go much, much slower.

Terven · 15/05/2023 12:52

Your mistake was to allow him to move in. Have a relationship outside not living together.

RandyMiceDavies · 15/05/2023 12:53

I'd feel pretty unhappy too if some random bloke moved into my house half the week.

blahblahblah1654 · 15/05/2023 12:57

Unfortunately I think the damage is already done, with your partner throwing his weight around early on. Your son is only young for a little while longer, so until then it's best not to bring him to your house half the week and have a relationship outside of your house.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2023 13:00

I'm trying to find the balance between feeling happy and supported myself and being able to give both my children the support they need individually.

You "feeling happy" is making your child very unhappy in his own home. There is no balance here. It's you putting a man before your own kids when you can find another way to keep your boyfriend in your life aside from letting him move in for half the week. You said yourself your 12 year old is "deeply unhappy", yet you're still allowing this to go on. The mind boggles.

I'm thinking your son sees something about this man that you're ignoring.

StarDolphins · 15/05/2023 13:01

Your poor son. Having what sounds like a difficult relationship with his own dad & has a new man living in his home half the week. Home should be the 1 place he feels happy & safe.

I would stop your new boyfriend & his daughter staying over and prioritise your son. This is not him ruling your life, it’s you put his needs before your own. He won’t be there forever.