Page 4 | School run issues

Bananarama77 · 2023-04-29T09:35:50+00:00

I’m posting this as a follow on from previous thread I started about being de facto caregiver to my SC…so I have told DH that I am no longer willing to provide childcare that he should be doing especially school runs/ after school care/holidays etc. He has now sorted it so that SS goes to breakfast club/after school club with him doing the drop off/pick up before & after work, he will take time off during school holidays or they will go to his sister for the day if he has to work & he’s rearranged their tutoring to fit in, all good so far however SD has point blank refused to go to bc/as club so DH has said that he will pick her up after school & take her into work with him but he asked if I would take her to school. His ex has refused to do it as she says it’s a faff for her apparently. It’s only until July when they break for sh (after that she’s in secondary so will be walking with friends) it’s just a temporary arrangement. Tbh I really don’t want to do it & I have said this but he says well there’s no point them staying then & I’m being stubborn just to prove a point..I’m not sure what to do

strawberryfluff · 29/04/2023 20:00

well there’s no point them staying then well if he feels that way it's up to him. But really? It's not worth them staying and seeing him unless their step mum drops them to school so they don't have to go to breakfast club?! He needs to grow a spine.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/04/2023 20:32

Well he didn't last long till he threw his toys out of the pram did he? I cannot fathom letting my child dictate to me like that, to the extent it inconveniences another adult. Er nope. Good on you for sticking to your guns. He obviously didn't listen.

BurntOutGirl · 29/04/2023 20:46

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 11:52

The thing I don’t understand is why a parent refuses to provide their own child with care because ‘it’s not their turn’. When I co parented with my ex we would arrange care based on work schedules/social plans etc but if I needed him to do a pick up or drop off because my circumstances had changed then he would if he could & vice versa, we help each other out because they are our children & they didn’t stop being my responsibility on the days they were with their Dad, I’d never say not my problem it’s your time with them..I find it so odd to behave like that

Maybe because he would take the piss out of her like he has you...

I had to be very firm with XH when we split over childcare arrangements as otherwise l would have been left with it all.

Now we work it out between us and are very flexible..... BUT l had to put boundaries down in the beginning.

MeridianB · 29/04/2023 21:05

Op, does his lousy behaviour make you view him (and the relationship) in a different light?

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 22:09

MeridianB · 29/04/2023 21:05

Op, does his lousy behaviour make you view him (and the relationship) in a different light?

It makes me feel undervalued definitely, I also struggle with his morals as he considers his DC time with me was him doing his bit so to speak, ultimately his kids should have the time with him not me as much as we’re good together (DSc & I). I don’t think he realises that just because they’re in our home & I mean that for them as it’s their home too obviously that makes him a good Dad. He’s not a terrible Dad as I know he works hard to provide for them but he’s absent which they will remember

OP posts:

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 22:38

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:47

you are part of the problem.

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I’ve really read it all on here now. Jesus 🤣

MeetMyCat · 29/04/2023 23:16

DH was always scared of rocking the boat with his ex, he couldn’t explain what he feared would happen if he did, just that it was better off avoided. There seems to be a whole generation of men who are happy to piss off their current wife/partner in pursuit of keeping the ex happy. And this makes no sense at all

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/04/2023 23:40

I think I said this on your other thread. What happens if the kids say no

Replies were she's a kid.

She isn't in charge and doesn't dictate

If parents have to work she goes

Etx

So dh has choices

She goes to breakfast club

Dh takes her

She doesn't stay if school the next day

Tho that then means her mum has to take her and doesn't get any nights off

raycampi · 30/04/2023 00:11

I feel sorry for the SD.

What message must it be sending when nobody wants her!

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 06:14

raycampi · 30/04/2023 00:11

I feel sorry for the SD.

What message must it be sending when nobody wants her!

Oh piss off.

having to go to breakfast club like her brother so dad can work is not ‘nobody wanting her’.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 30/04/2023 06:39

Can she be dropped at a cafe or friend's house and walk to school for there? Other options for him to investigate.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 06:56

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:34

Agreed. I have kids though and a man that didn’t have an active role in their lives I wouldn’t be with. I want a partner, someone who can help me out, my kids are part of that.

And no, I still wouldn’t get with a man with kids because I don’t want to be a Step Mum.

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That's great and all but this board is mostly aimed at stepparents so a lot of us already are stepparents and seeking support. I wouldn't go on the larger-families board and tell them I totally wouldn't do what they were doing.

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 07:44

He’s asked me again this morning if I’d thought about agreeing to the drop offs so I told him to stop pressuring me to do something I don’t want to, your DD your responsibility for organising it. If his ex is adamant that DD isn’t going to Breakfast club then she can sort alternative arrangements but have the row with her not me. I don’t expect to be be pestered about this again….he’s decided to go & play golf all day so he can sulk doing that I don’t really care & can do with day to myself anyway. I said why don’t you ask your Dad as he does f all all day & he said it would be too much for his Dad to commit to every day as he’s elderly (he’s in his 60’s!)

OP posts:

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 07:49

raycampi · 30/04/2023 00:11

I feel sorry for the SD.

What message must it be sending when nobody wants her!

I know its awful neither of her parents can be bothered. Poor kid. If I remember rightly @Bananarama77 your DH can actually start work later anyway? Do no give in, im fuming on your behalf. I've got a feeling he will just get up and go, leaving you no choice.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 07:51

Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 07:44

He’s asked me again this morning if I’d thought about agreeing to the drop offs so I told him to stop pressuring me to do something I don’t want to, your DD your responsibility for organising it. If his ex is adamant that DD isn’t going to Breakfast club then she can sort alternative arrangements but have the row with her not me. I don’t expect to be be pestered about this again….he’s decided to go & play golf all day so he can sulk doing that I don’t really care & can do with day to myself anyway. I said why don’t you ask your Dad as he does f all all day & he said it would be too much for his Dad to commit to every day as he’s elderly (he’s in his 60’s!)

Oh FFS. He's being totally ridiculous. Why is he so worried about sending his child to breakfast club. Its his contact time he can do that if he thinks it's best.

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 07:57

Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 07:44

He’s asked me again this morning if I’d thought about agreeing to the drop offs so I told him to stop pressuring me to do something I don’t want to, your DD your responsibility for organising it. If his ex is adamant that DD isn’t going to Breakfast club then she can sort alternative arrangements but have the row with her not me. I don’t expect to be be pestered about this again….he’s decided to go & play golf all day so he can sulk doing that I don’t really care & can do with day to myself anyway. I said why don’t you ask your Dad as he does f all all day & he said it would be too much for his Dad to commit to every day as he’s elderly (he’s in his 60’s!)

I agree he’s being ridiculous. Well done for not giving in to the pressure.

His daughter can just go to breakfast club with her brother. It’s not up to her or her mother. It’s his contact time and his work - millions of children across the land go to breakfast and after school club. His daughter is not somehow above doing so.

If he wants to pander to this, it’s HIS problem. He doesn’t get to make it yours.

I hope it rains on him to enhance the sulky golfing attitude. 😁

billy1966 · 30/04/2023 08:01

Good for you.

You have been well used by him and his ex, as is often the case when a new partner starts a relationship with a man with children.

You are seeing the real him now you are saying No.

Look closely at him and his behaviour, this is who he really is, petulant, entitled, selfish.

Completely unconcerned that his requests restrict your day.

Wouldn't dream of imposing on his father.

Thinks that every vagina in his vicinity owes him free childcare.

THIS is who he is.

He's a nag who will go on and on until he thinks he can get you to give in, just like a toddler.

Ick.

I would genuinely be concerned about being with someone with so little concern for you.

Be careful that you are not wasting your time with a user, living in your home, providing free childcare for him.

There is a huge imbalance in your relationship.

You are giving too much and making little of yourself in the process.

You need to look hard at him, what he brings to your table, and his reasons for being with you.

You deserve so much better than someone who is so utterly focused on YOU making HIS life as easy as possible, while he is utterly unconcerned about how you are impacted.

He is spectacularly selfish and just another avoidant father dumping his child on the nearest vagina.

Ick.

He works so hard and yet on a day when his child isn't around and he could do something nice for and with you?.....he's off to play golf for the day?

Wake up to just how selfish he is.

Well done for pushing back hard.

billy1966 · 30/04/2023 08:04

raycampi · 30/04/2023 00:11

I feel sorry for the SD.

What message must it be sending when nobody wants her!

Agree.

So awful.

Two parents determined to do the least they can while imposing on the nearest vagina.

PaigeMatthews · 30/04/2023 08:09

Wow. Off to play golf all day. These men follow a script don't they!

I honestly dont know what will happen here. If neither parent can get the child to breakfast club at 11, how on earth are they going to parent a 14/15 year old?

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 08:23

PaigeMatthews · 30/04/2023 08:09

Wow. Off to play golf all day. These men follow a script don't they!

I honestly dont know what will happen here. If neither parent can get the child to breakfast club at 11, how on earth are they going to parent a 14/15 year old?

I don’t care that he’s out all day when we don’t have plans, I’m not left holding the baby! Better than having him sulking round the house all day. I think both parents will actually prefer it when they’re teenagers as they won’t have to do any school runs which seems to be the biggest problem between the pair of them. By 14/15 both my kids just came & went to mine/their DD as they saw fit no real childcare issues at that age. I’m sure once the routine becomes familiar the old one will be forgotten. Annoyingly his ex has told the kids that the reason they have to change everything is because I don’t want the hassle of them anymore & I have better things to do with my time than babysitting someone else’s kids. Really helpful

OP posts:

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 08:25

Scapegoating stepmothers is a post-divorce parenting standard practice.

Because ‘neither your dad nor I want to look after you’ isn’t something they want to admit to anyone.

billy1966 · 30/04/2023 08:32

Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 08:23

I don’t care that he’s out all day when we don’t have plans, I’m not left holding the baby! Better than having him sulking round the house all day. I think both parents will actually prefer it when they’re teenagers as they won’t have to do any school runs which seems to be the biggest problem between the pair of them. By 14/15 both my kids just came & went to mine/their DD as they saw fit no real childcare issues at that age. I’m sure once the routine becomes familiar the old one will be forgotten. Annoyingly his ex has told the kids that the reason they have to change everything is because I don’t want the hassle of them anymore & I have better things to do with my time than babysitting someone else’s kids. Really helpful

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She is emotionally abusing her children when she tells them that is the reason.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

Honestly I don't know how you could be involved with such toxic people.

He facilities this woman who is so nasty about you, ahead of you.

They sound like the utter dregs.

No decent parent would ever dream of saying something like that and deliberately wound and confuse their children.

Utter scum would.

Teens need care.

Late night collections so they are safe.

God knows whats ahead of you being involved with such utterly shit negligent parents.

Protect yourself OP.
They really are the absolute dregs.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 30/04/2023 08:43

How can you enjoy living like this? Can you fancy and respect a man you said is an absent parent, who sulks, demands, manipulates you? Do you not want a pleasant, peaceful, enjoyable life?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/04/2023 08:43

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 17:37

OP i was reading your other thread but didnt comment. I TOTALLY agree with you. He has been taking the piss for far too long. Cant help noticing in your OP here he sees his sister as an option. He really does see child care as womens work and every female he knows needs to be more responsible for the kid than him. The kids OWN FATHER

Great point. OP I think I posted on your other thread, I definitely read it. Great to see you've told him it's not on. Keep those boundaries strong and don't back down on this one. If he hadn't taken the piss for so long things might be different, but he's once again decided that the easiest choice for him is to get you to pick up the parenting slack. He needs to know that HE, not his sister, not you, needs to step up and make it work.

I really hope he's not going to start pushing childcare onto his sister with out any consideration or recompense. WFH is working, she could get the sack in some jobs for providing child care while working and given his ability to ignore your needs for his own convenience I expect he's perfectly capable of doing the same to his sister. There needs to be reciprocal school holiday childcare going on, not him just once again handing off his childcare responsibilities to the nearest convenient woman.

AtChoService · 30/04/2023 09:27

"No, it's too faffy"

Or

"Sd/dd, you are going to do what you are told to do"

Simple.