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Step-parenting

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Original poster

School run issues

141 replies

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 10:35

I’m posting this as a follow on from previous thread I started about being de facto caregiver to my SC…so I have told DH that I am no longer willing to provide childcare that he should be doing especially school runs/ after school care/holidays etc. He has now sorted it so that SS goes to breakfast club/after school club with him doing the drop off/pick up before & after work, he will take time off during school holidays or they will go to his sister for the day if he has to work & he’s rearranged their tutoring to fit in, all good so far however SD has point blank refused to go to bc/as club so DH has said that he will pick her up after school & take her into work with him but he asked if I would take her to school. His ex has refused to do it as she says it’s a faff for her apparently. It’s only until July when they break for sh (after that she’s in secondary so will be walking with friends) it’s just a temporary arrangement. Tbh I really don’t want to do it & I have said this but he says well there’s no point them staying then & I’m being stubborn just to prove a point..I’m not sure what to do

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 18:48

Yes the minute i read that i was wondering if he had any male relatives

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 18:50

Also, once his son sees that his DD gets to decide that she doesn’t want to go to BC/ASC, he may well decide that he doesn’t want to go either. And then it won’t just be 10 weeks (as if there’s anything ‘just’ about school runs for
nearly 3 months), it’ll be several more years of this.

He needs to treat his children the same and just tell them they are going to BC and ASC so that he can work to pay for them!

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 19:00

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 18:50

Also, once his son sees that his DD gets to decide that she doesn’t want to go to BC/ASC, he may well decide that he doesn’t want to go either. And then it won’t just be 10 weeks (as if there’s anything ‘just’ about school runs for
nearly 3 months), it’ll be several more years of this.

He needs to treat his children the same and just tell them they are going to BC and ASC so that he can work to pay for them!

Absolutely right, if they have to go to clubs before & after school I personally wouldn’t give them a choice but of course it’s not my right to object apparently; I’m actually sick of having responsibility but no right when it comes to these decisions. Mum has made it plain that SD won’t be forced to go & DH just accepts that..ridiculous

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 29/04/2023 19:06

Tell him to try to be an actual parent and tell his daughter she is going to the club's and that's it. It's not a debatable issue really is it. I would say no on principal, I read your last post and the more you disclosed on the situation the more I felt strongly you needed to be firm on stepping back and be emergency back up not default

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 19:14

If this were me i would be ending the relationship

Im child free by choice and situations like this is why i would never date a man with kids. OP did you mention the fact he hasnt asked his Dad. What did he say when you pointed this out?

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:15

Why did he get into a relationship with a woman who doesn’t want to be a Step Mum, baffles me.

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 19:16

The trouble with emergencies is that every instance of wanting childcare then becomes an emergency
Its Can you just......?
Its just this once.......etc etc

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:16

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 19:14

If this were me i would be ending the relationship

Im child free by choice and situations like this is why i would never date a man with kids. OP did you mention the fact he hasnt asked his Dad. What did he say when you pointed this out?

This just seem so sensible. I’m baffled by the amount of women that get into serious relationships with men with children but don’t want to be a Step Mum. Surely that just means this isn’t the man for you?

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 19:17

@Irritateandunreasonable the child has TWO PARENTS

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:19

@JenniferBooth but you can get with a man with ZERO children. 🤷🏻‍♀️. I would never get with a man with kids because I don’t want to watch his kids, it’s not rocket science.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:20

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:15

Why did he get into a relationship with a woman who doesn’t want to be a Step Mum, baffles me.

Oh come on.

Unless you want to argue that unpaid nanny/housekeeper with no say in the schedule is the definition if stepmum.

Maybe men should want to actually take responsibility for and look after their children before they have them. Rather than subcontracting the childcare to the nearest woman they can find.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:21

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:19

@JenniferBooth but you can get with a man with ZERO children. 🤷🏻‍♀️. I would never get with a man with kids because I don’t want to watch his kids, it’s not rocket science.

You don’t have to watch HIS kids. He does. And should.

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 19:21

@Irritateandunreasonable The problem is society and patriarchy expects women to be the default carers. Step fathers dont do half as much grunt work as step mothers.

Gcsunnyside23 · 29/04/2023 19:22

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:15

Why did he get into a relationship with a woman who doesn’t want to be a Step Mum, baffles me.

That really isn't true in this thread, there was a previous thread that we all started out thinking this but once the whole situation was disclosed everyone was in agreement that the best way forward was for OP to stop childcare as she was being massively taken for granted and used with no consideration for her

Gcsunnyside23 · 29/04/2023 19:25

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 19:00

Absolutely right, if they have to go to clubs before & after school I personally wouldn’t give them a choice but of course it’s not my right to object apparently; I’m actually sick of having responsibility but no right when it comes to these decisions. Mum has made it plain that SD won’t be forced to go & DH just accepts that..ridiculous

Show quote history

Tell your husband that if the mum insists the daughter can't be forced then it's on her to sort her. If she's with her father than mum has no say in how he sorts childcare if it's reasonable

Reugny · 29/04/2023 19:26

@Irritateandunreasonable I don't look after my DP DC except for real emergencies due to their hostile mother. Instead my DP uses friends for childcare. This includes long term male friends who include fathers and grandfather who have known them since they were born and look after their own children and grandchildren.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:27

Clearly he’s not going to say no to his ex. Because upsetting the woman you live with and claim to love is much better than having to set clear boundaries with your ex. Or stand up to your daughter.

It’s ridiculous how often that is a feature of problem Stepfamily dynamics. It’s like it’s part of the entitled, nonresident father script.

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:32

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:21

You don’t have to watch HIS kids. He does. And should.

Show quote history

I don’t have to because I’m not with a man with kids, easy.

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:34

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 19:21

@Irritateandunreasonable The problem is society and patriarchy expects women to be the default carers. Step fathers dont do half as much grunt work as step mothers.

Agreed. I have kids though and a man that didn’t have an active role in their lives I wouldn’t be with. I want a partner, someone who can help me out, my kids are part of that.

And no, I still wouldn’t get with a man with kids because I don’t want to be a Step Mum.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/04/2023 19:35

This is not your problem op, just keep saying that.

His DD needs to go to ASC, I don't remember being able to dictate such things at her age, the idea is preposterous, but if she goes or not is not your problem because you aren't a solution 🤷‍♀️

The ex needs to know you are no longer at her disposal as well, I'm sure if she has to have them overnight more often she will change her tune.

MuggleMe · 29/04/2023 19:41

If he won't force dsd then he's the one that has to sort the alternative. Otherwise he doesn't give her the choice and all is fine.

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 19:44

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:27

Clearly he’s not going to say no to his ex. Because upsetting the woman you live with and claim to love is much better than having to set clear boundaries with your ex. Or stand up to your daughter.

It’s ridiculous how often that is a feature of problem Stepfamily dynamics. It’s like it’s part of the entitled, nonresident father script.

Exactly.

Won't argue with his ex, but well prepared to be petulant and unpleasant to the woman whose house he lives in, and who he has used for free childcare.

He sounds extremely sexist, scanning around for the nearest vagina to parent HIS children.🙄

What a prize!

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:47

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:34

Agreed. I have kids though and a man that didn’t have an active role in their lives I wouldn’t be with. I want a partner, someone who can help me out, my kids are part of that.

And no, I still wouldn’t get with a man with kids because I don’t want to be a Step Mum.

Show quote history

you are part of the problem.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 19:52

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 19:44

Exactly.

Won't argue with his ex, but well prepared to be petulant and unpleasant to the woman whose house he lives in, and who he has used for free childcare.

He sounds extremely sexist, scanning around for the nearest vagina to parent HIS children.🙄

What a prize!

Show quote history

He won’t stand up to his ex for fear of ‘rocking the boat’ which is BS. Tbh I don’t even think it’s her fault, his duties as a Father are on him

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:54

If a single parent wants someone to look after their children for them… it’s a sign they should hire a childcare professional of the appropriate sort.

If a romantic partner who is not your children’s parent helps out with childcare it’s a favour. If you expect it, view it as their duty, you should stay single.