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Step-parenting

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Original poster

School run issues

141 replies

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 10:35

I’m posting this as a follow on from previous thread I started about being de facto caregiver to my SC…so I have told DH that I am no longer willing to provide childcare that he should be doing especially school runs/ after school care/holidays etc. He has now sorted it so that SS goes to breakfast club/after school club with him doing the drop off/pick up before & after work, he will take time off during school holidays or they will go to his sister for the day if he has to work & he’s rearranged their tutoring to fit in, all good so far however SD has point blank refused to go to bc/as club so DH has said that he will pick her up after school & take her into work with him but he asked if I would take her to school. His ex has refused to do it as she says it’s a faff for her apparently. It’s only until July when they break for sh (after that she’s in secondary so will be walking with friends) it’s just a temporary arrangement. Tbh I really don’t want to do it & I have said this but he says well there’s no point them staying then & I’m being stubborn just to prove a point..I’m not sure what to do

OP posts:
wormshuffled · 29/04/2023 12:18

I remember your other thread on this, and I didn't absorb the part about Secondary School looming. Could you not assist just until July? But insist school holidays you are not a childcare option?
I'm also impressed that your DH has sorted out the alternative, he's also in a tricky position with an ex wife who is seemingly deliberately awkward.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 29/04/2023 12:25

I would stop making suggestions for how he can sort it out, that implies that you are still involved in fixing the issue. Just say "I'm sure you'll work it out".

HowManySunflowers · 29/04/2023 12:29

How about a compromise? DSD goes to the club some days, you do some days, DH does some days - split it between you?

flossypots · 29/04/2023 12:32

In your position, after all the piss taking so far , it'd be a firm no. No compromise. DSD can go to bc/as club whether she wants to or not. If she hasn't got a parent available to look after her, then there is no other option.

CwmYoy · 29/04/2023 12:37

DSD is a child and doesn't get to dictate what happens.

Your DH needs to put his foot down.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 15:03

flossypots · 29/04/2023 12:32

In your position, after all the piss taking so far , it'd be a firm no. No compromise. DSD can go to bc/as club whether she wants to or not. If she hasn't got a parent available to look after her, then there is no other option.

You are right, I have no obligation whatsoever I’m fed up with guilt that is laid on me by both parents..honestly I don’t want to organise my mornings around my SD getting to school, I would like to have a better relationship with my DH ex so I could respectfully resolve this but due to her being high conflict I cannot do that (I would discuss it with her directly) anyway DH can deal with it & SD will have to go to breakfast club whether she likes it or not

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/04/2023 16:16

You have been used for years by them both.

You see the real man when you say No to him.

He threatens to leave?

Let him.

Tell him to crack on.

You think you are with a good man?

You are with a user who thinks your sole purpose is to be free childcare for him and his ex.

Find your self respect and tell him to leave.

He is clearly telling you he has no reason to stay if he doesn't get free childcare from you?

What a complete tosser.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 16:21

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 16:16

You have been used for years by them both.

You see the real man when you say No to him.

He threatens to leave?

Let him.

Tell him to crack on.

You think you are with a good man?

You are with a user who thinks your sole purpose is to be free childcare for him and his ex.

Find your self respect and tell him to leave.

He is clearly telling you he has no reason to stay if he doesn't get free childcare from you?

What a complete tosser.

Very odd response, nobody is threatening to leave anyone.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/04/2023 16:27

"Tbh I really don’t want to do it & I have said this but he says well there’s no point them staying then & I’m being stubborn just to prove a point..I’m not sure what to do"

What does the above mean?

...."there's no point them staying"?

I read that he meant no point him staying?

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 16:28

If he doesn’t want to tell his daughter that she IS going to breakfast club and after school club, then he needs to figure out how he is getting her to school.

It is not your problem. And, as you told him, he took the piss and used up all your good will. You’re not his childcare solution.

His DD is not too special for breakfast club.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 16:30

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 16:27

"Tbh I really don’t want to do it & I have said this but he says well there’s no point them staying then & I’m being stubborn just to prove a point..I’m not sure what to do"

What does the above mean?

...."there's no point them staying"?

I read that he meant no point him staying?

I think it means that ‘there’s no point in me having them overnight if you won’t do the school runs to facilitate it’.

Why is a shitty attitude.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 16:30

Which is. Not why is.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 16:36

Contrast that with ‘there’s no point in this relationship if you aren’t providing me with free childcare’. I don’t think the OP’s husband is saying that, even if he’s a bit miffed that his wife is no longer playing unpaid nanny.

(whereas, my nearly exH did say the above to me. And it was one of several moment of realisation for me that he is fundamentally too selfish to have a relationship with anyone. I like to think that even most of the people struggling with their husbands’ attitudes on the step parenting board had better judgement in
choosing a partner than I did; I need to believe that mine is an extreme outlier!)

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 16:49

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 16:30

I think it means that ‘there’s no point in me having them overnight if you won’t do the school runs to facilitate it’.

Why is a shitty attitude.

Show quote history

Yes he was throwing toys out of the pram & trying to guilt me into agreeing. Luckily that won’t work. Trouble is (which he doesn’t get) is that this is exactly how the problem started in the first place

OP posts:
Sewingdufus · 29/04/2023 17:03

I remember your other thread. Well done for staying strong.

You should not be the default childcare option. DSC doesn’t get to dictate what is acceptable. DH needs to step up and parent - explain to DSC why it has to happen this way or find an alternative that isn’t you.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 17:05

Sewingdufus · 29/04/2023 17:03

I remember your other thread. Well done for staying strong.

You should not be the default childcare option. DSC doesn’t get to dictate what is acceptable. DH needs to step up and parent - explain to DSC why it has to happen this way or find an alternative that isn’t you.

Thank you, I was adamant that it had to change although I do feel a pang of guilt for not agreeing to school drop off for SD but I know I previously created a rod for my own back & don’t want a repeat

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 17:33

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 16:49

Yes he was throwing toys out of the pram & trying to guilt me into agreeing. Luckily that won’t work. Trouble is (which he doesn’t get) is that this is exactly how the problem started in the first place

Show quote history

Exactly.

He doesn’t get to guilt you into this stuff. You know that it far too easily becomes an expectation.

MeetMyCat · 29/04/2023 17:35

Yousee · 29/04/2023 11:03

Easier to just do it for a short spell but my worry is the message it sends.
SD gets to refuse, her mum gets to refuse, her Dad gets to refuse and everyone looks around scratching their heads dumbly waiting for the person who isn't actually involved to jump to attention? Don't you get to just refuse too?
So aggravating.

Absolutely! Why does everyone think the buck stops with you??!

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 17:37

OP i was reading your other thread but didnt comment. I TOTALLY agree with you. He has been taking the piss for far too long. Cant help noticing in your OP here he sees his sister as an option. He really does see child care as womens work and every female he knows needs to be more responsible for the kid than him. The kids OWN FATHER

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 17:55

JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 17:37

OP i was reading your other thread but didnt comment. I TOTALLY agree with you. He has been taking the piss for far too long. Cant help noticing in your OP here he sees his sister as an option. He really does see child care as womens work and every female he knows needs to be more responsible for the kid than him. The kids OWN FATHER

I never thought of that, his Dad is retired & not once has he thought about asking him to help out but more than happy to ask his Sister who wfh. I’m going to mention that to him thank you

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 29/04/2023 18:00

No worries OP The sexism really grates with things like this.

SunnyLion · 29/04/2023 18:04

It's not an issue, she has to go to bc until July.
As he told you it's only short term, so he tells his kid it's short term. You're going for the next 10 weeks end of.

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 18:04

stand your ground - it isn't your problem

Daleksatemyshed · 29/04/2023 18:29

I commented on your previous thread ( on your side) too and he's sort of learning his lesson but he's not there yet. A DC doesn't get to say I won't go to b/c or asc and he needs to take that onboard, people are saying just do the school run until end of term because it's not long now but it means it's not long for his DD to do it either. If he can't put his foot down with a 10/11 year old then the teen years are going to be pretty difficult.
Why doesn't he ask his Dad, if he's retired he probably gets up early anyway, oh I know, because his Dad isn't female

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 18:48

Daleksatemyshed · 29/04/2023 18:29

I commented on your previous thread ( on your side) too and he's sort of learning his lesson but he's not there yet. A DC doesn't get to say I won't go to b/c or asc and he needs to take that onboard, people are saying just do the school run until end of term because it's not long now but it means it's not long for his DD to do it either. If he can't put his foot down with a 10/11 year old then the teen years are going to be pretty difficult.
Why doesn't he ask his Dad, if he's retired he probably gets up early anyway, oh I know, because his Dad isn't female

I agree about SD not being able to refuse but (obviously) as a SM it’s none of my business. I actually think his Dad would be glad to help out, he’s not an arse & loves the kids so would likely help. I have a new perspective now though as DH has only asked his Sis & Mum..sexism at it’s finest

OP posts: