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Step-parenting

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Original poster

School run issues

141 replies

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 10:35

I’m posting this as a follow on from previous thread I started about being de facto caregiver to my SC…so I have told DH that I am no longer willing to provide childcare that he should be doing especially school runs/ after school care/holidays etc. He has now sorted it so that SS goes to breakfast club/after school club with him doing the drop off/pick up before & after work, he will take time off during school holidays or they will go to his sister for the day if he has to work & he’s rearranged their tutoring to fit in, all good so far however SD has point blank refused to go to bc/as club so DH has said that he will pick her up after school & take her into work with him but he asked if I would take her to school. His ex has refused to do it as she says it’s a faff for her apparently. It’s only until July when they break for sh (after that she’s in secondary so will be walking with friends) it’s just a temporary arrangement. Tbh I really don’t want to do it & I have said this but he says well there’s no point them staying then & I’m being stubborn just to prove a point..I’m not sure what to do

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 14:13

He shouldn’t be talking to his ex about you at all.

Their childcare and parenting arrangements are between them. What you do is none of her business. He should just tell his ex that he is not discussing you with her.

If you want to lie in til 2pm every day, you can. Because you’ve sorted out your life and raised your children. She doesn’t get an opinion on it.

And he needs to draw boundaries. You’re not a childcare resource for them.

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 14:20

So he doesnt want to bother his dad because hes in his 60s. I bet he would have no bother expecting childcare from a woman in her 60s.

@billy1966 I posted upthread that i would never date a man with kids. That would also include grown up kids precisely because of the type of situation you have described.

friendlycat · 30/04/2023 14:53

I do think that the crux of so much of this is based on the fact that you don’t work so both of them think you are “around for them” as and when they need childcare. If you were out of the door early each morning going to work then they would simply have to make the necessary arrangements themselves.

But as you stated in your previous thread you earn your income from your rental properties and you provide a home for you, your DH and the SC when they’re with you. But it would appear both your DH and his ex would also like you to provide free childcare as well.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 15:07

friendlycat · 30/04/2023 14:53

I do think that the crux of so much of this is based on the fact that you don’t work so both of them think you are “around for them” as and when they need childcare. If you were out of the door early each morning going to work then they would simply have to make the necessary arrangements themselves.

But as you stated in your previous thread you earn your income from your rental properties and you provide a home for you, your DH and the SC when they’re with you. But it would appear both your DH and his ex would also like you to provide free childcare as well.

That’s definitely the reason, it seems my DH took me for granted & his ex feels entitled to it either way it’s not happening anymore. At least he’s acknowledged my frustration & done something about it but I’m expecting some drama from the ex at some stage

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 15:13

I wonder if there is a bit of jealousy from the ex because you are financially sorted.

Her comment about you getting lay ins sounds like jealousy to me.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 15:20

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 15:13

I wonder if there is a bit of jealousy from the ex because you are financially sorted.

Her comment about you getting lay ins sounds like jealousy to me.

I don’t think it’s that, as she doesn’t know why I don’t work, DH has never discussed my circumstances with her as it’s none of her business, I think it’s more to do with the fact that I think that when she moved back to the area she thought there may have been a chance to pick up where she left off with DH but when we moved in together she realised that wasn’t going to happen so started the awkward/bitter behaviour, I think she takes great pleasure in inconveniencing me..sad really

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/04/2023 17:09

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 14:20

So he doesnt want to bother his dad because hes in his 60s. I bet he would have no bother expecting childcare from a woman in her 60s.

@billy1966 I posted upthread that i would never date a man with kids. That would also include grown up kids precisely because of the type of situation you have described.

Some one suggest that is wise!

However I think the issues of boundaries is the absolute key in all these situations.

Those with strong boundaries will never be caught out when confronted with CF behaviour.

Several of these ladies have lost husbands and are very protective of the lives they have rebuilt for themselves.

One had established a lovely casual relationship with a golfing buddy and she really enjoyed the relationship for the days out golfing and meals out etc.

His daughters were insistent they have nothing to do with her and were very firm in her not be included in even the most casual of their gatherings.

He was a nice man but was very clear that he wouldn't ever remarry and my friend had zero interest either so they both knew where they stood.

However at 67 he developed an eye issue last autumn and it has changed his life.

After his diagnosis she got a call from his elderest daughter (who took her number from his phone) TELLING her that she would be scheduled in to bring him to his appointments as her and her sister are very busy etc...

She was very firmly put in her place that infact my friend was heading to Australia to visit HER family for 10 weeks in early January and her plans remained unchanged, and while she was fond of her father and enjoyed their friendship, her fathers care was not something that would be factored into her future plans.

His daughter expressed her huge surprise at this as she tried to imply the relationship was a serious one having refused to acknowledge it previously.

My friend didn't engage. As she reminded us, having nursed her husband nearly a decade ago, she had zero intention of being now conveniently used by his family.

They remain friendly but sadly his golfing days are over.

I think that whilst there are many many nice men out there, unfortunately society has conditioned women to be caring and carers, often putting themselves last, so a cautious boundaried woman is often the wisest of us all.

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 17:38

So his daughter wanted to class the relationship as a serious one only when it suited her agenda

hourbyhour101 · 30/04/2023 18:21

@billy1966 funny how that works isn't it ? I'm glad your friend stood her ground tbh.

Irritateandunreasonable · 30/04/2023 19:58

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 06:56

That's great and all but this board is mostly aimed at stepparents so a lot of us already are stepparents and seeking support. I wouldn't go on the larger-families board and tell them I totally wouldn't do what they were doing.

Show quote history

Good for you, not me though.

Louoby · 02/05/2023 20:39

If both her parents can't take her and there is no other option then breakfast club is the only way and she shouldn't get a choice.
Don't let them guilt you into it. She's not your responsibility to get to and from school. She has two parents. What do parents do if they are still together - there is no mug step mum being guilted into stepping in 🤷🏻‍♀️
Say no and draw and line. Let him sort it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2023 23:41

When are they next staying ?

RandomMess · 03/05/2023 07:12

TBH it's a 20 minute walk I'd just declare you aren't doing the school run anymore regardless.

RandomMess · 03/05/2023 07:14

Wrong thread, sorry.

JenniferBooth · 03/05/2023 14:22

How are things now OP

Newestname002 · 05/05/2023 17:09

@Bananarama77

Annoyingly his ex has told the kids that the reason they have to change everything is because I don’t want the hassle of them anymore & I have better things to do with my time than babysitting someone else’s kids. Really helpful

So, that's really going to make you want to do favours for her, either directly or via your partner.... 🙄

Also I'd be wary of either his sister or mother asking you to take a turn of this duty if they've got a problem rather than referring this back to the children's father to handle. 🌹

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