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Step-parenting

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Original poster

School run issues

141 replies

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 10:35

I’m posting this as a follow on from previous thread I started about being de facto caregiver to my SC…so I have told DH that I am no longer willing to provide childcare that he should be doing especially school runs/ after school care/holidays etc. He has now sorted it so that SS goes to breakfast club/after school club with him doing the drop off/pick up before & after work, he will take time off during school holidays or they will go to his sister for the day if he has to work & he’s rearranged their tutoring to fit in, all good so far however SD has point blank refused to go to bc/as club so DH has said that he will pick her up after school & take her into work with him but he asked if I would take her to school. His ex has refused to do it as she says it’s a faff for her apparently. It’s only until July when they break for sh (after that she’s in secondary so will be walking with friends) it’s just a temporary arrangement. Tbh I really don’t want to do it & I have said this but he says well there’s no point them staying then & I’m being stubborn just to prove a point..I’m not sure what to do

OP posts:
Yousee · 29/04/2023 11:03

Easier to just do it for a short spell but my worry is the message it sends.
SD gets to refuse, her mum gets to refuse, her Dad gets to refuse and everyone looks around scratching their heads dumbly waiting for the person who isn't actually involved to jump to attention? Don't you get to just refuse too?
So aggravating.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 11:09

I have suggested that he tell his ex that he can’t have the kids overnight anymore because he can’t get DD to school..bet it won’t be a faff to take her then! I didn’t mean it seriously but I guarantee she would rather take her to school if that is the only option

OP posts:
Changechangechanging · 29/04/2023 11:10

Can DSD be allowed to walk home? Mine hated aftershock club from year 5 onwards so the plan was to allow him to get himself home for the last term but thst coincided with covid.

If not possible, she goes to the club. She's a child and really should not be allowed to dictate.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 11:14

Changechangechanging · 29/04/2023 11:10

Can DSD be allowed to walk home? Mine hated aftershock club from year 5 onwards so the plan was to allow him to get himself home for the last term but thst coincided with covid.

If not possible, she goes to the club. She's a child and really should not be allowed to dictate.

Although the school is only couple of miles away we live quite rurally just outside the village so she’d have to walk out to a really fast Aroad with no pavements to get into the village. I just wouldn’t be happy with that

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2023 11:21

Yousee · 29/04/2023 11:03

Easier to just do it for a short spell but my worry is the message it sends.
SD gets to refuse, her mum gets to refuse, her Dad gets to refuse and everyone looks around scratching their heads dumbly waiting for the person who isn't actually involved to jump to attention? Don't you get to just refuse too?
So aggravating.

Absolutely this. How come everyone else gets to be stubborn but you? Tell him no. He either respects your opinion as an equal in the relationship or he doesn’t. His shitty approach to this suggests he doesn’t.

cansu · 29/04/2023 11:27

It isn't her mums job on your dh's time. I agree you should not have to do it. The issue is your sd. Your dh needs to be clear that this is what is happening. End of.

Eggseggseverywhere · 29/04/2023 11:29

Maybe dh gets a new or job? He can parent his own dc and you and ex can take a cut in finances.. If my dh refused to take my dc to school he would be living with us...

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 11:30

I did point out that maybe had he not taken me for granted in the first place this wouldn’t be an issue. He had nothing to say to that

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 29/04/2023 11:32

My dc don't get to refuse breakfast or ASC. He could do well to be firm with her.

Still it sends a message to her that you don't care. What are you doing? If working out of home then fair enough but if WFH I'd just pick her up. Can you compromise and she goes to ASC until 4 but then you pick her up?

ZenNudist · 29/04/2023 11:33

Actually just seen that he's been taking you for granted. That's not on. Ignore me.

LizzyLovesTea · 29/04/2023 11:34

How about your DH looking for a paid person to do it, eg on childcare.co.uk? Or could the child get a lift with a friend - again could offer to pay towards petrol or return favour somehow?

Or maybe barter it yourself - ask for something you want in exchange for doing it yourself?

skgnome · 29/04/2023 11:35

just Asking, if she’ll be going into secondary next year and walking with friends, why can she not walk now?
how early is breakfast club? Can your OH just drop her earlier and she stays in school grounds? Older kids just chilling at the playground were quite common on DD”s school
or you know, just tell her that’s what happening and she can deal with not liking breakfast club, and her dad can deal with her complaining about it

HowManySunflowers · 29/04/2023 11:36

Personally I'd be telling the DD that she has to go to BC/ASC. I don't know any kids who are allowed to just refuse to go!

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2023 11:37

She needs to go to the club. It's not her decision.

SeaToSki · 29/04/2023 11:43

DH needs to be a parent, set the rules and enforce them. DC dont get to decide this type of thing if they are primary aged

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 11:45

skgnome · 29/04/2023 11:35

just Asking, if she’ll be going into secondary next year and walking with friends, why can she not walk now?
how early is breakfast club? Can your OH just drop her earlier and she stays in school grounds? Older kids just chilling at the playground were quite common on DD”s school
or you know, just tell her that’s what happening and she can deal with not liking breakfast club, and her dad can deal with her complaining about it

Her secondary is closer to her mums so she will be walking from there when she starts (not staying overnight with us). We live semi rural & she would have to walk a long a busy A road with no pavement to get into the village so that’s way too dangerous

OP posts:
MidgeHardcastle · 29/04/2023 11:51

I know I shouldn't be but I'm actually impressed that he listened to you and put all those arrangements in place. He now needs to insist she goes to the clubs after all it's only for a term but find out first what the difficulty is, it may be other children's behaviour etc that's making her upset.
I agree with others that everyone gets to refuse except op! If after trying to get to the bottom of it and she has a good reason for not wanting to go to the clubs I'd take her in the mornings on the understanding it's only because it's the last resort. I like to think dh won't take op for granted in future.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 11:52

The thing I don’t understand is why a parent refuses to provide their own child with care because ‘it’s not their turn’. When I co parented with my ex we would arrange care based on work schedules/social plans etc but if I needed him to do a pick up or drop off because my circumstances had changed then he would if he could & vice versa, we help each other out because they are our children & they didn’t stop being my responsibility on the days they were with their Dad, I’d never say not my problem it’s your time with them..I find it so odd to behave like that

OP posts:
Reugny · 29/04/2023 11:52

This is not your problem to sort out.

Make it clear you won't be around at the time school finishes and leave it for him to sort out.

If he had been parenting properly from the beginning there would be other things for him to try as he would have cultivated relationships with other parents.

Lovingitallnow · 29/04/2023 11:56

But he thinks they stop being his responsibility when he's in work so I guess it's the same.

Reugny · 29/04/2023 11:56

The thing I don’t understand is why a parent refuses to provide their own child with care because ‘it’s not their turn’.

Because your DH is clearly known by his ex to take a mile if given an inch of help. After all he did it to you.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 12:05

Reugny · 29/04/2023 11:56

The thing I don’t understand is why a parent refuses to provide their own child with care because ‘it’s not their turn’.

Because your DH is clearly known by his ex to take a mile if given an inch of help. After all he did it to you.

She does it regularly tbf running late, busy at weekend can you have them, can’t get to an appointment etc etc but it’s me that picks up that slack not DH so they’re both as bad. My point was that if the other parent can facilitate a change to the other’s circumstances then they should & presumably would want given its about the children not point scoring or trying deliberately inconvenience the other parent. That’s why I think it’s odd behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 12:10

SD says she won’t go because it’s babyish (I have no clue why she thinks that). DH ex says that she won’t have her forced to ho if she doesn’t want to & it’s too early & she’s going to be exhausted. My argument is then well you take her then but apparently that’s not an option even though she can

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 29/04/2023 12:13

Bananarama77 · 29/04/2023 11:09

I have suggested that he tell his ex that he can’t have the kids overnight anymore because he can’t get DD to school..bet it won’t be a faff to take her then! I didn’t mean it seriously but I guarantee she would rather take her to school if that is the only option

Can't she cone hone by herself. Y6 my ds was going to and from school.by themselves and locking up.

Floofydawg · 29/04/2023 12:14

Nope I wouldn't do it. I commented on your previous post as well. He's still trying to make it your problem. The kid shouldn't get to refuse - she's a kid.

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