I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

To be fair we never make a roast unless we have guests because the effort for us and two young kids (both ours) doesn’t seem worth it. But the context of ‘it would be worth it with my first kids, but not for just my spouse and new child’ does make it a pretty unpleasant thing to say.

Yes this is exactly it. It's worth it if DSC are there but cba if they aren't. If that isn't saying to our child that you find DSC more worthy of the effort (even if that's not exactly what you mean) then I don't know what is.

He definitely needs to change. This is really unkind. I had the same line from my mother, the first Christmas after my older DB (her fave & my only sibling) moved out of the family home: "I'm not going to bother with Christmas this year. It doesn't seem worth it." Thanks, mother. Way to tell someone they mean nothing to you!

BTW, DH & make make a roast dinner every Sunday & there's only two of us.

so he collects DSc from their grandparents as well or when they're generally just out visiting, to spend extra time?

how old is your child?

Oh right, understood. If only there had been an option to simply not say it.

Fuck this op you are not being unreasonable. This would drive me insane.

In future re the roast dinner cook for you and DC. Leave DH out as he won't want it as it's not worth it without his other DC. That way he won't feel guilty.

Next time drop him home to faff around picking his kids up and go on your own to sort you and you DC out.

In future if you want to nip somewhere just go on your own with your DC.

He will soon see the ridiculousness of what he is doing

I also think that for anyone with more than 1 child, if they have the ability to do it they should.

It's a wonderful thing for the parent/child relationship.

Your inability to let go of whatever massive chip is sitting on your shoulder making you feel compelled to argue with it doesn't change that.

Stop back tracking. You advised the op to get a babysitter for her child so she could spend time alone with dsc without her child being there.

You use the word 'hubby' and call Olive a Twat? 🙄

Why don't you get your youngest minded one night/weekend etc and do something just with them

This is what you said. Why are you name calling me? Can you not have a conversation without slinging names? I was right...grow up.

@StoppinBy

that’s not what you said though

Im done here, there's something wrong with your comprehension.

I literally gave the example of how in our family we do take BOTH our kids out individually and suggested she could show her husband that it was OK to do that.

Take my posts as you like, I can't help it that you two are hellbent on taking snippets of what I said rather than the text as a whole.

His youngest child will grow up thinking he isnt good enough. You need to point this out to him and not back down. Do you ever do anything alone with your youngest? Cos I've noticed dad's like this even resent step mum from doing anything alone with their own child as it 'wouldn't be fair for dsc to miss out' The child from the second wife/partner always misses out yet thats overlooked on mn. As a mother I judge any women who doesn't put their own child first due to not wanting to upset dsc. It will not do your child any good to be a part of this dynamic. Put their feelings first.

Its nicer for the older child if they grow up knowing they aren't being treated as a special honoured guest. So roast happens every week

Oh bore off.

That should've been:

BTW, DH & I make a roast dinner every Sunday & there's only two of us.

Workman in the house today!

Your poor child together is barely considered. You’re right to be annoyed but if he doesn’t see why he may never understand. He’s treating you and your shared baby as second-class.

Hahahahaha nope. Why would OP send HER child away? If anything they need to concentrate on doing things alone with the youngest. Build them up abit after been given the message they aren't enough for so long.

Why is doing a roast a big deal , it’s one of the simplest meals to create .
FWIW you are completely correct @SimpleSimple , you have the step kids 50/50 and you shouldn’t have to include them in the minutiae of days when they are with their mum .

Only read first page but I think its really shit that he keeps encroaching into the mother's time with her child.

No, the OP seems to resent the fact that they can NEVER do anything spontaneous, becoase as soon as it’s deemed “fun” by her DH, everything needs to stop and be put on hold until he’s called, invited, waited and collected his children to come and join. By which time the moment has passed.

McDonalds when you’re hungry, not 3 hours
after you feel hungry whilst you wait for him to collect the kids.

I don’t understand why they’d need the youngest minded even if they did decide to do an each-kid-gets-alone-time project. Even if OP and the step kids got on really well, why would she need or want to be involved in giving them one on one attention without their sibling? Their dad sounds perfectly capable of taking all three of his own kids out himself while the other/s are with their respective mother. OP isn’t a third parent to his children and external babysitting time is precious.

What an odd thing to say. If I said I never bothered with the effort of making sandwiches just for us, I could understand that response.

I actually think the wider logic that parental - especially paternal - love (after divorce) must be measured in fun, special activities and getting enough stuff is horrific for all involved.

This isn’t a man desperate to drag all his children round the supermarket. Or housework. Or any of the pretty standard stuff that constitutes family life.

No. It’s anything that he thinks might be fun or special. And it’s simply not worth it if it isn’t centred around the children he doesn’t live with all the time.

He’s making it very clear that the ‘fun’ is all that really matters and that his youngest shouldn’t get any fun unless it’s a by product of his older children getting it. In fact, the youngest should wait 2 hours to be allowed to go to the park to fit in with the older children.

Even to the point that his wife and youngest child can’t get spur of the moment fast food on the way home
from nursery or eat a Sunday roast if special arrangements aren’t made to parachute the other children in during their contact time with their mother.

In what universe is this good parenting?

I hope the child you and DH have together is too young to comprehend his dad's words i.e. "cooking a dinner for 3 isn't worth it unless his other kids are there".

Your DH is trying to compensate for not being around his other kids 100% and I'm guessing that will be his take/view on it all. And I bet he just hasn't realised how his behaviour is coming off towards you and your child together. Hopefully, after you kicked off last night he'll realise, reconsider things in the future and consider your child/you as much as he does his other children (which is commendable btw, compared to other horror stories you hear about 'dads'.)