I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Your DC has his dad every day. Lives with him full time. Every day.

Ok great. And I bet his dad never let’s work/ errands/ household tasks/ his social life/ tiredness/ working week stress get in the way of him getting stuck in with his resident DC. I bet he’s always super duper engaged with him. And I bet they enjoy lots of special time together with all that time time he has his dad to himself. And I bet his dad never begrudges him normal every day things like, oh I dunno, food?

How do you even wait 2 hours to do something on a whim, what if your young child needs a nap or in 2 hours they're just too cranky to go. Does he still make them? How did that work when they were a baby? All trips are pretty spontaneous at that age because babies are always teetering towards implosion so you have to just get out and back in super quick. He sounds like a wonderful dad but he needs to let go a bit. They do lots of things with mum without him and your child together will do lots of things with him and you without them. That's just the nature of break ups and blended families. I think you need to explain how it's making you feel too and have a proper chat. It sounds like you're both having a lot of internal big feelings and need to just talk it out.

I see your point.
It would frustrate me that while your step children were with you you do consider them part of the household and behave lovingly and appropriately but once they are in their mother's care you can not make small incidental decisions without including them in your household.
The lack of flexibility and the accusation of not being caring would be hurtful to me.

You are just organising your everyday life and, as you say, you do like to extend an invitation to your SC when you attend something significant or exciting when they are in their mother's care. I applaud you for being a good and supportive SM.
I can only suggest that at times when the small child is tired and you are on your way home from a day at work you consider just doing the drive through and eating at home.

You could also negociate a time limit for waiting when your husband wishes to include SC in a small incidental aspect of your life after which you will just go and get the task done alone. If your husband resents you for that, he needs to rethink his rationale.

Perhaps your husband could pencil in a regular twice weekly date for himself, and any of his DC who wish to participate, to Park run, kick a ball or walk to the local fish and chips.
Something which is planned and known about is likely to be less disruptive to all of you, while providing DH with more contact time..

Your husband sounds far more knowledgeable about the psychology of kids whose father’s left than you do. I am convinced that you are exaggerating because you were frustrated by a particular incident, which I am guessing isn’t in fact the norm. As for the roast dinner comment I bet you know that was just something said but not necessarily meant. I feel something else is going on for you and I think it is jealousy. Your kids are fine. They get to sleep under the same roof as their dad and that is far more meaningful than a trip to MacDonald’s to which a thoughtful man invited his child who does not get to sleep under the same roof as him every single night.

in truth I have no idea if your dh is a thoughtful man or even a good father but the description you give certainly makes it seem that way.

They get to sleep under the same roof as their dad and that is far more meaningful than a trip to MacDonald’s to which a thoughtful man invited his child who does not get to sleep under the same roof as him every single night
Is this a joke? Why doesn't he invite them over for a nap then, if that's when all the meaningful stuff happens?

If you didn’t grow up without a dad then of course you have no idea what I am talking about. It’s actually very difficult to describe how deep the impact is.

This statement only makes sense in this case if you equally believe these kids are growing up without a mum, since it's 50/50 on paper, slightly skewed towards Dad on account of all his interference.
And if you believe they are growing up without a mum and a dad then who in the name of chuff do think is bringing them up?

I actually think a lot of this is to keep tabs on his ex and to keep everyone in line. He controls atm when and what people eat.

All those saying that he only has his children 50% of the time and going out more with them on days he is not down as having them makes him an amazing father I can only assume you have never been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour It is manipulative and controlling and is designed to split mother and children up

That extra time he has with his children is actually at the expense of the mothers time.
I wonder if he really wanted full custody and got 50/50 and won’t accept it so every few hours extra he gets with his children is a victory over his ex.wife

If “ we are out” or “they have homework” or “they are doing an activity” just means he waits around and won’t take no for an answer this is definitely more than guilt.
It also then means that the ex is rushing to get back so he can pick his children up to take them out and when they get back she is rushing them through a bedtime routine
No relaxed journey home and a family chill out evening in front of the tv for his exwife snd children

I wonder how many arguments there are when dc get back zooped up on sugar and cola and she is left trying to get them into bed on time knowing in the morning they will be overly tired and there will be more arguments because they are late getting up
Its all about driving a wedge between her and her children.
Of course if his ex said no ever she would probably get the same treatment that op is getting and accusations that she is keeping his children from him.

i suspect he will offer for his children to come live with him at some point. He is slowly turning the screw on his ex wife’s relationship with her children
He probably doesn’t do the mundane stuff with his children so his children get a false Impression of what life is really like with him,

I doubt he will consult his current wife and child because he just expects that they won’t say no to him.
If anyone doesn’t do as he tells them he has an angry sulk and accuses them of all sorts

This is just nonsense. And demonstrates absolutely no empathy for the younger child.

Or any real understanding of ‘the psychology of’ anything really. Routines, boundaries, and so on are important. Time with their mother that their father doesn’t commandeer is important.

He sounds like a GREAT parent, to his older children. He sounds like a pretty crappy parent to his youngest child. Poor child will grow up feeling that their happiness only matters if it includes the step-sibs. That they aren't "enough" on their own to even have a freaking trip to Mickey Ds or a Sunday dinner without the step sibs; yet, the youngest isn't included in everything "dear old Dad" does with his older kids.

Yeah, he's a peach. Well, part of one. The pit.

@Nanaof1
I agree with your comment which was everything in a nutshell but I loved your last line. Absolutely bang on.

Totally agree

Of course the Op repeatedly says that he actually doesn’t really think or feel these things but that instead he’s just being thoughtless with his words.

He doesn’t seem happy without all his kids present (I’d be the same but my children are with me 90% of the time so I’m relaxed about the 10% they’re not!). The Op can’t force that out of him, so ball is in her court

what I suspect happens if she does leave with her ds. Is that as her ds grows up, he starts saying “mum can he invite Sibling 1&2 to macdonalds?”

Reading these comments ya I’m stunned ! So he wants to be a great dad and spend time with his children. Yet everyone saying of how terrible it’s outwith your set days etc unbelievable!!!!! Your problem and only problem is they’re an inconvenience to your life. But they’re his kids they should way way way before you ! In all honesty if anyone got on at me for trying to see my kids that would be it you would be gone. And I think you keep this up your husband will start to see right through you.

in this situation I see you and only you as wrong and it actually angered me reading this and some responses who think this is ok. I hope your husband gets some guts and stands up to you. You took him on with children !!!!!

what I suspect happens if she does leave with her ds. Is that as her ds grows up,he starts saying “mum can he invite Sibling 1&2 to macdonalds?

He will., Because he will know he can't go anywhere until they have all gone through the Leaving the House Procedure and he will know he can't just have a quick Happy Meal in the way home so best hurry this show up please as people are hungry.

It’s ok prioritising your kids when it’s not to the detriment of everyone else. OP has a life, works etc too. Why should everything turn into a military operation to ease his guilt? Should OP never be allowed a slice of convenience and something that is engineered to suit her because her DH has other kids. The children are with their Mums. Unless she doesn’t feed them I’d expect they have already eaten or atleast had plans for dinner with her.

Your kids are fine. They get to sleep under the same roof as their dad and that is far more meaningful than a trip to MacDonald’s to which a thoughtful man invited his child who does not get to sleep under the same roof as him every single night.

I knew someone would pipe up with this crap at some point. It’s such a lazy argument that doesn’t take in to account anything that the second child may be going through or missing out on in other ways in their life. Oh but never mind they get to see their dad every day so nothing else matters. It’s such a warped way to think.

Sometimes living with both parents is the very thing that is affecting their life. Didn’t think about that one, did you?

It’s as though they should be grateful for living with both of their parents. Why should they be?

And you don’t know if the OP’s DS will be fine. You sound so dismissive of him, which just proves my point above.

Well I’m guessing if he’s no longer living with his dad, his mum, the OP will have different routines that don’t involve all of that.
but I suspect he will want his siblings to jojn and the op will be in same position as before

@OnNaturesCourse you never answered my question - the children that don’t live with you but you invite to anything and everything live an hour round journey from you?

His parents have shouting big arguments on the drive to macdonalds and over Sunday lunch - so irrespective of anything else, it’s a pretty shite environment for him

So 50:50 is hard, so the dad (man) should get more, take more, have more.

50:50 is hard so the mum (woman) should get less, give up more, have less.

Right. I see. Got it.

To be fair - the OP hasn’t even remotely indicated the mother isn’t ok with spontaneous pick ups

Yeah doesn’t make sense. Although I know parents of both sides who have 50:50 but would be quite happy to have 95:5! There’s nothing to say Mum here doesn’t feel like that. I think if nothing else it would be disruptive. I’d be so annoyed if I was frequently getting tea ready/buying stuff for all 3-4 of us and it was going to waste on a whim.

Parents arguing is totally normal and healthy. There are conflicts in every relationship.

Indeed.

But the OP is saying that this situation is part of the fabric of their day to day life
which means multiple arguments and regularly

Well then presumably you’d say

“nope, not going to work as I’ve dinner on the go”