I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Yep...Im with you but I guess your husband feels that anything he does without including his child is somehow leaving them out. Tough one....but you need to sit down and talk about it.

This ⬆️

@OnNaturesCourse
maybe she didn’t have any snacks on her or her child had eaten them earlier
she wanted to give her child a quick meal then get on home

p.s no way could I be married to you…. had a bad day, just want a nice easy takeaway dinner - but no, if not all the kids can make it then I’ve got to have a snack or make my own dinner?! Nah!

I guess you’re lucky in a way (or his kids are) that he’s really keen to see them. Mine are meant to be EOW with their dad and used to also have a week day/overnight once a fortnight too but they’re lucky if it’s once a week. His work means he’s often away on a weekend so either doesn’t have them or picks them up Sunday for the day only. He has another child who doesn’t live with him either and everything is more complicated due to that. So this weekend he couldn’t come with my kids to an event he was invited to (on his weekend but I was also going to the event anyway) as he ‘had’ to take his other kid to their activity (a weekly activity that impacts my kids with their time with him now) and couldn’t be in two places at once. So as I was already going to our event and he didn’t need to take them he just hasn’t seen them. He doesn’t have them in the week as he doesn’t live close enough to get them to school - and if he had all kids they all go to different schools!!

What's this got to do with anything?

As for the Sunday roast or similar... I don't see the issue with not having it one week so they can have it another week to include everyone?

You can't see anything wrong with what you've just said? Really really think about it and see if you can see why some posters are amazed at your views.

Told ya. Dog shit sandwiches on the non SK weekends. Anything else would be them missing out 🙄

What I find disturbing is that he blames you -I'm then accused of not wanting to see them. My feeling is that he is not doing all this because he wants to include his older children so that they dont feel excluded but rather for trying to get rid of his guilt for splitting his first family. What he does isnt fair on anyone else. He isnt the only one who gets his needs fullfilled. I think therapy for him would be very useful. a/to work on his guilt b/ to talk about how to make his new life with his new family work so that you and your shared child dont feel like you always come second.

Actually I told my DH about this thread and he said he thinks it’s because the dad is trying to win brownie points with his SC and when I thought about it I suspect that he may be right.

Come now, unless its your first day on MN, i think you exaggerate.There have been stronger posts than mine on this very thread.
I think perhaps mine has just touched a nerve because I've pointed out he is likely to prioritise what he wants to do for his children over the wishes of his new partner. But as a step mother (which I am) it goes with the territory we have chosen.
The reality is, few parents, unless very weak willed, are going to allow a new partner to dictate the type and amount of contact they have with their own children against their own wishes, regardless of whether their wishes are excessive or motivated by guilt. Given that, I see no point in goading OP on to a fight she likely isn't going to win.
My suggestion, had you read my post properly, was not to include his older children in everything, but to agree in advance when they would be included. A compromise.
But yes, of course OP could say 'choose them' if she's happy to end her marriage over it, as there's a very real possibility he would.
And I agree with you, he probably shouldn't have started a second family if doing so makes him feel neglectful of his first. The treatment of children from a former relationship is an important discussion for a couple to have before
embarking on a new family together.

This thread has gotten beyond bonkers now.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, its just a shame MN is the worst place to have one.

OP - you need start making decisions now or this resentment is going to eat you and your relationship up. You both clearly have different views on how to handle the older children. I wish you well and hope you get the outcome you need.

Excellent post.

He's a dud that is consumed with feeling good about himself at yours and your childs expense.

He's not interested in doing a sunday lunch because doing it for you, and him not getting to feel great, means it simply isn't worth his time and effort.

I suspect this will only get worse as he is a very self absorbed person.

To not be able to do something as simple as getting a burger without him making it about him is completely ridiculous.

You need to push back firmly on this issue because I think he really is capable of killing any spontaneity in your life, which will result in you looking to exit the relationship sooner rather than later.

If I was separated and lived 10 mins from my children and their dad was as accommodating as your DH's ex, I also would include them in everything I could. Why wouldn't I?

Your DH didn't split up with his DCs, he split up with his ex wife.

Your DC has his dad every day. Lives with him full time. Every day.

I'm presuming your DC is 3-5 yrs old. So he left his DC when they were aged between 3-7. Old enough to potentially feel the pain and anxiety of another (step) sibling coming into the picture.

I think it amazing that he wants to include all his DC when he can. I think it's admirable that his ex has the patience and selflessness to accept this.

I think ALL his children will be better off as a result of how he views and aims to manage this blended family.

PS. your DC being at GPs is completely different to DSC being - why do you see that as the same thing?

PPS the Sunday roast fixation is weird. You've mentioned it so many times that it suggests it's the only example of his terrible, hurtful behaviour (more than a hint of sarcasm on my part). If you want a Sunday roast - cook one. My DM has a roast most Sundays. She's lived alone for 28 yrs.

@OnNaturesCourse

why on earth is it selfish to want a quick easy dinner for you and your small child after a long day at work?!

YANBU
i would find this situation so frustrating. I think it’s lovely that he wants to include his other children however not for something as simple as a quick dash to McDonald’s.

I wonder how the ex feels about him constantly interrupting her time with kids? If it was me it would find it rude and disrespectful to be doing it so often, it wouldn’t surprise me if some of the times that they have not been able to go is because she’s made an excuse.

Extremely confusion for the kids , Do they always say yes to the invites? Imagine having an evening with your mum after not seeing her for a couple days then for your dad to call and try and get you to spend it with them instead then the child feeling guilty about dropping mum.

Hopefully you can get a resolution to the situation OP.

Good luck x

No, I stand by my opinion. Your post was daft, not outrageous or anything.
My nerves are also fine, my DH certainly doesn't piss about with nonsense like this, in fact we had a chippy this very evening without any angst about DSD being left out.
You can't agree in advance that Step children should or should not be included in a trip to McDonald's that you just this second decided to go on, so what is the compromise? Never do anything unplanned or draw up an exhaustive list of all the unplanned stuff that may or may not happen and decide on the protocol?
Such hard work. OP only wanted a quick burger.

You have to wonder what the mum's take is on all this. My first thought was "blimey, she already doesn't see her DC for half the year, and at every additional opportunity, she palms them off to dad".

Then, as the thread developed, it might be a bit more sinister why she doesn't say no. Because he's getting his way, regardless, right? If she says, "not right now, they've got homework" then he just replies "fine, we'll wait". Has she just learned that he bullies until they are handed over? And she doesn't want to make life co-parenting with a bully even harder, so she just complies to keep him sweet?

Very few mother's, who only see their DC 50% of the time (which is not much given they are at school all the time), and are sitting after school, doing their homework, dinner on the go, settled for the evening, would actually then want to get their DC ready, with no notice, to suddenly disappear off to the other parents for a few hours, then return. It's disruptive if nothing else.

Does she really revel in getting rid of her DC for as much as possible (whilst officially stating 50/50 so no maintenance) or does she feel unable to say no, even if it's not what she wants.

This sounds bloody exhausting. If they are sharing custody 50:50, I don’t understand why he is behaving this way. Yes it’s hard to be without your kids but he has a child with you, can’t he make the most of that when the DSC aren’t with you. In my view YANBU and I would be fed up too.

so you feel 50% isn't enough, so should their mum not be allowed her 50%? I don't really get your logic. She may well not make a fuss about him constantly coming and taking them out on her time but I'll bet she isn't happy about it, she just won't want to rock the boat. He needs to respect the boundaries of their contact arrangements. Special things I'm sure she is happy to flex but he is pushing it too far taking them on a regular basis during her time.

He has leavers guilt.

As I always say, common sense flies out of the window when it comes to a man’s first children. Doesn’t matter that their school evening routine is being interrupted. It’s more important that they aren’t left out of this last minute trip to McDonald’s with their father. That will affect their mental health even more if they miss it. 🙄

@funinthesun19 sadly you are correct!

Your DH didn't split up with his DCs, he split up with his ex wife

Bloody hell! 😆

Maybe he could have some basic respect for the time his ex has with her children under their contact arrangement then.

Your DC has his dad every day. Lives with him full time. Every day.

Which would be all well and good except for the fact that the guilt-driven parenting style of the OP's DH will almost certainly mean he'll also be the type to do all the boring mundane stuff like household jobs, catching up on sleep, working extra hours etc during non-contact times so that he can maximise the fun Disney stuff during contact times. The resident child gets the busy/mopey/workaholic/fun sponge version of their dad unless DSCs are there too. The kind of attitude that drives the belief that a Sunday roast dinner or an impromptu stop off at Maccies on the way home from pre-school is unacceptable unless DSC can also be present will not exist in a vacuum. When you live shit like this for yourself, it's death by 1000 cuts on your mental health.

YANBU at all. I was in a similar situation when our DCs / DSC were young, it put so much pressure on us as a family and didn’t help anyone’s wellbeing or relationships, in fact the opposite. I lived with it at the time because I wanted to be a good SM and a good wife, but looking back, I wish I had gathered my thoughts, feelings and equilibrium and sat down with my DH and had a heart to heart with him about my feelings and worries. It must be hard for your DH, it sounds like he’s managing all sorts of anxieties himself. Perhaps you can chat about it, think about the impact it’s having on everyone, and come to a compromise