I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Surely not. Dog shit sandwiches only when the stepkids aren't there.

@Skybluepinky

isn’t it just?!

😂

Jeez there are some absolute loon bags on this thread.

I don't think they know how to read and comprehend the OP's posts.

@SimpleSimple where is all this guilt coming from? It seems, to me at any rate, pretty overwhelming. I know we all feel it to some degree as separated/divorced parents, no matter which party is 'to blame', but the examples you have given sound OTT on your DP's part. Is he trying to prove something to his Ex? To you? To himself? To the older children? And why?

What a strange view of marriage you have! One of us will make a roast dinner because we like eating roast dinners. And we like doing things for each other. And when the two of us are alone together, we don't feel like anyone's missing or that we're 'no one really'.

Perfectly reasonable that he would invite his other child, remember they came first.

What has their birth order got to do with anything?

Maybe he should invite the ex wife as well. Because she came first

It must be incredibly frustrating. However tbf he is being a good dad. The sort I'm sure you'd want him to be to your child with him if it ever comes to that. I honestly think you need to hold your peace here OP. He's devoted to DSC and any attempt you make to stop him doing this stuff could end badly, as he'll choose DC everytime by the sounds of it. The only thing I'd suggest is that you resort to planning everything ahead so you're both agreed when they're going to be included and factor in the extra hassle of that.

And his own mammy.

He's only being a "good dad" to the DSC. He's being an awful dad to his youngest

“

Wow this thread has gone bonkers.

People are bending over backwards to say it's commendable what dads doing, and of course it's ok to completely disregard the second child in favour of the "first"

But if reversed and people where saying disregard the children from the first marriage people would be calling him a dead beat dad.

You have to laugh 😂

It does make it clear that that ‘think of the children’ types on here really do only mean SC.

For these posters any shared children matter less/should be grateful/can just wait several years/are to too young to bother with and so on. They’re not real children or something.

Imagine if children were treated with priority because of the order in which they were born. Pretty grim.

OP, YANBU, and I’m assuming talking to him hasn’t worked, so have you tried voting with your feet? So next time he pulls Not Without My Elders could you just say ‘Fine, you go with them, DC and I will go now without you’?

Do you have two cars? Even if you only have one, I think the only feasible way to deal with this is along the lines of:
You: I'm exhausted, let's get McD's for dinner.
Him: Oh, sounds great. We just have to wait an hour because Alex and Will are busy with homework and can't come until 7.
You: Ok, well Bobby needs to eat right away so I'm going to take him now and when I get back you can pick up Alex and Will and take them.
Him: But wait, we all have to go together. It'll only be an hour, can't you just...
You: Bobby is hungry now and the whole point of getting McDs is that I'm tired so I'm going to go now and you and Alex and Will can go when they're free.
Him: But....
You: (not there, already left with the keys).

Of course this may lead to a further discussion later where he says something like, "You didn't include Alex and Will, that was so mean, you don't care about them." To which your reply is, 'It's not fair to Bobby to make him wait an hour because the older kids are busy with their needs. Just as Alex and Will have needs, like their sports or their homework, Bobby also has needs that are just as important. In this case he needed to eat his dinner and get ready for bed. Thanks for understanding that Bobby's needs are as important as Will's and Alex's."

I thnk it is bonkers that you think a child whose food is delayed a few mintues while they go pick up his siblings is "completley disregarded". Nothing in this thread or what OP has said says that the younger child is completely disregarded. He lives with the child 7 days a week, it would take work to actually completely disregard a toddler who lives in your home! While OP has ignored posts about her DH and the younger child's relationship, she has not said he completely disregards the child.

I can understand the OP's frustration completely. You want a quick burger and it becomes waiting around for phone calls to be answered to free up children in another house. You can never do anything as a family of three that's fun because the others will miss out? But it must be maddening for the ex wife too to constantly have her ex ringing up wanting the children for some extra treat when they are all in the middle of something.

Op hasn't actually said how often this happens. I feel if it was happening all the time the ex wife woulnd't be on board with it. Her kids get home from school do their homework then go out for their sporting activity and when tehy get home, both kids and the ex wife think its great to get pciked up by dad and Op and younger kid to go for a walk or to the park? I just can't believe everyone is on board with this day in and day out. My guess is that it only happens on occasion but OP finds it irritating. She has said her and DH and son do go out on their own. I don't believe she and DH have never been to a park or gone for a walk with younger child or eaten a take away or meal out without the other two kids and that when they go get them it always takes hours. My guess is that the idea that DH won't do anything without the older kids and competely disregards and ignores and neglects the younger child is an exaggeration by OP who was irritated about this event where they couldn't get food in a timely manner. Not that she actually can never leave the house without DH going to get the other kids. I can not see an ex wife or two tweens wanting to be picked up and dropped off every day late after all their activities for a walk or a park visit or food or whatever they do.

It does seem a bit excessive to want to include them in the small things, though I’m sure his reasoning comes from a good place. I would maybe suggest arranging days out etc that DSC are included in on DH’s days, and keep the small things, like a unplanned trip to McDonald’s, for yourselves on the other days. That way you don’t have to keep making collection and drop off arrangements etc

OP how would your DH react if his ex was constantly wanting to pick up the kids and take them off during his custody time?

I hope your child never ends up being someone else's dsc. I think it's wonderful that your partner is making sure his children know they have not been forgotten about or replaced, even if it is a simple trip out for dinner. He had them when you met him, they'll be his for life. Did you not discuss any of these things before you had your own child together? You took on a man with two children, imagine you had two children before you met and he asked you to leave them at home because he was sick of his dsc's tagging along on every outing with your one joint child.

@SimpleSimple I can understand your perspectives, it's like what would be eg a 15min mc Donald's is then suddenly 1-2 hrs etc

It’s not just a few minutes delay though is it? OP said it could mean a delay of an hour. Sometimes DSC are at an activity or at their grandparents, and they have to wait until they get home.

Sitting around waiting for the ex to answer the phone sounds excruciating.

Imagine suggesting a spontaneous trip for food, and then having to wait ages for others, that takes all the spontaneity out of it.

“imagine you had two children before you met and he asked you to leave them at home because he was sick of his dsc's tagging along on every outing with your one joint child.”

they aren’t being left at home, they are being picked up from the other parent!