I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

What an awful misrepresentation of OP’s very reasonable posts.

Such bad wishes for OP’s child, how completely mean and horrible.

“Did you not discuss any of these things before you had your own child together? “

What a conversation! “When we have our own DC, will you often interrupt your existing DC’s time with their mum to bring them to maccie D with us?”

op knew it was 50:50 and that big things like holidays would be shared. Why would she have thought about Sunday roasts?

Honestly I get OPs irritation but I actually don't believe that every day or every time they want to leave the house to do anything (go for a walk, go to the park, go get food) that they wait hours and pick up the DC. I just don't. I can see tween so the ex wife or anyone actually doing that everyday. If the tweens are actually that busy that they are never home and are out for hours every day after school then it is highly unlikely that when they do get home and finish homework, that they then want to go to the park or for a walk every day. I think OP was mad that this time when she wanted a quick trip to maccies, DH wanted to bring the older kids and they weren't immediately available and it was irritating - I don't believe it happens every time they leave the house or most of the other claims that her DH is a deadbeat and neglects the younger child.

What a wildly exaggerated post 😂

imagine you had two children before you met and he asked you to leave them at home because he was sick of his dsc's tagging along on every outing with your one joint child.

Can you post the bit where OP says she's sick of her DSC tagging along on EVERY outing? I'll wait...

YANBU. I had step siblings and hated the fact that my step siblings got to do stuff with their parents without me including holidays but nearly always I had to wait til they were round to do anything because their dad felt guilty. I got the point about including them and that was fine by me as they had dedicated time with us, it was the fact I felt I had to compromise all the rest of the time too. It made me feel lower valued. Maybe ask your kid how they feel about always having to wait etc?

I can understand exactly where you are coming from. I think I would have told him he could invite dsc but in the meantime you and your child would be getting McDonalds and he can go out later with dsc and get his then. Equally of he doesn’t want Sunday Lunch then either you and dc go out to eat or cook your own roast dinner for you and dc and leave him out.

I would be starting to do my own thing and if he wants to tie himself in knots waiting around for his older children to finish what they are doing. Then he can crack on. You do you and he can wait.

If he had wanted to include his older children in everything he does then he should have stayed married to his ex.

I have no doubt he does love all of his children. However he has his favourites and unfortunately his youngest will grow up knowing that they aren’t on the same level as his older children.

He isn’t going to stop doing this and very soon your child will notice.

@Freefall212

I thnk it is bonkers that you think a child whose food is delayed a few mintues while they go pick up his siblings is "completley disregarded".

So when op put that her DH had said oh DSC can't come so there no point cooking a Sunday roast for them and their child. Sure.

That's showing all the regard on the world 🙄

You are so hell bent on making op sound like something out of a fairy book and wilfully misreading or just flat out ignoring what op put that it's almost funny. But in doing so you also sound more than a bit bonkers yourself.

“most of the other claims that her DH is a deadbeat and neglects the younger child.”

Where did OP say these things? Oh wait, she didn’t.

@Freefall212

it would obviously be more than a few minutes delay wouldn’t it

You took on a man with two children, imagine you had two children before you met and he asked you to leave them at home because he was sick of his dsc's tagging along on every outing with your one joint child.

If the dsc were actually left at their father’s house while they all had a McDonald’s, I could see your point. But dsc are at their mum’s! It’s an entirely different scenario.

Having a McDonald’s while the dsc are at their mum’s knowing that dsc will be happily getting on with their day with their mum, is not the same as having a McDonald’s without them while they sit there at their dad’s on their own.

No OP didn't - the posters in this thread did.

I thnk it is bonkers that you think a child whose food is delayed a few mintues while they go pick up his siblings is "completley disregarded

Where do you get it being only a few minutes

If the mother doesn’t answer straight away they have to wait till she does answer her phone

Then there is homework or activities or mum and Dc are at grandparents house and it starts to get to an hour + before anyone can eat.

Look at this another way and you see someone who wants to be in control.

I think he is enjoying playing with people. A spur of the moment macdonalds would have been losing control.
He wanted to make op wait for her food. Like he does on Sundays He wants to keep tabs on his ex.

I wonder what will happen when she announces she is marrying someone else and the new Dh doesn’t want to play the game of being available at this guys beck and call 24/7

That would be a deal-breaker for me. What are you to him? Cook, cleaner, sex slave and someone to split the bills with? What is your shared DC in his eyes - a hobby for you? He's talking like you exist in his world for the sole purpose of making his life easier and facilitating his relationship with DSC. I couldn't put up with it.

That sounds incredibly tedious OP. I don’t blame you for being irritated by it. No matter how much you’ve given to your DSC, you’ll never appease the step parent haters on here that will try and twist anything you say to make you out to be the wicked step mother who hates her DSC and wants to lock them in a witches oven. Hope that you can find a way to make him see the impact it’s having on you and you DC.

I’d stop inviting the dh along tbh. Just go pick up toddler, pop to mc Donald’s and you pair eat. He has his children 50% of the time they anit missing out from one Big Mac. Where as your joint child is being made to wait unnecessarily for their dinner to appease his guilt.

I can't believe some posters think it's OK to write outright lies in order to have a go at OP.

The unhinged are out in force here.

This OP.
If he's so worried about them missing out , HE can wait and bring them later if they're free. But your child gets fed.

It even goes so far sometimes as to invite them to every Sunday dinner we make (even if it's mum's weekend- we have Sunday dinner practically every Sunday or try to) and if they can't come he starts with the 'it feels pointless to make it for just 3 people'. Like wow okay thanks.

He’s ridiculous. What does he think parents with one child do? Just never have a Sunday roast because there are only 3 people to feed? What about couples with no children who fancy a Sunday roast? That’s even less mouths to feed.

Of course there’s still a point in making a Sunday roast when dsc aren’t there. It’s still 3 people who will enjoy it! And there will more chicken left over for chicken and stuffing butties the next day😄.

Who was driving when you came out of nursery at 6pm? If it was me driving, I would be tempted to just say "No, I'm tired and hungry so I'm driving to McD right now."
When he starts delaying and waiting and making calls, can you and your DC just leave the house and go ahead without him?

You are right, it would drive me crazy to feel that he won't do anything fun and spontaneous with the youngest DC.

Exactly this! So he seems to have this guilt trip all the time , so why did he choose to separate and leave them, his other children? You are right to be annoyed, and perhaps you need to remind him about his other child ? He is not being fair to you or respecting you and your point of view.

Not a step parent but this is annoying behaviour by the father.

I swear some posters just post what a wonderful dad he is because they want to get at the OP.

@SimpleSimple
YANBU. Whatever the reason for it, it’s not acceptable. Your DH needs to recognise that the circumstances between children are different and accept the situation for what it is. Stability and routine for his DC would probably be beneficial too.

Anyone that thinks this is okay or twists it to say you have an issue with DSC, blah, blah is projecting their own feelings onto the post without actually thinking about how it makes you or your DC feel.

Younger children to new relationships are rarely thought about it society. It’s sad.

I cannot get my head round some of the ridiculousness on this thread.

OP, YANBU.

For those saying he sounds like an amazing dad, no, he doesn't. He sounds like a dad with a MASSIVE guilt complex, who, for whatever reason is no longer with his first partner and has made the decision as an adult to have a family with the OP. Having made that decision, he is incapable of managing it effectively for anyone else concerned. His insistence that OP and his youngest child wait around all the time for him to try to arrange things so that the SDC can come is not about the SDC, it's about himself and his own feelings. If the adults concerned in blended families manage their own emotions effectively and model to all DC what healthy emotions are, then nobody feels hard done by that they didn't get a trip to McDonald's, especially when they weren't even staying there at the time. There jave been times one of mine has been busy elsewhere, we've had McDonalds and has complained "what, you had McDonalds without me?" This is normal and ok. It doesn't mean that we should not have had the McDonald's or called him to check if he wanted to come then changed all our plans to accommodate him. This is just totally crazy. Children need to learn that they don't get to dictate everything and that the world doesn't revolve around them. The OP's DH is setting his first children a shit example by making them think that everyone else's plans must revolve around theirs and making them think they'll be missing out if he doesn't call them every verse end to come down the park or get a McDonalds or whatever it is. He needs to get a grip of his own negative emotions and stop indulging these unhealthy emotions, to the detriment of all his children.

OP, if I were you, I'd just start saying no. You'll be taking DC to McDonald's / for pizza / to the cinema whatever at x o'clock. DH can come or not. The DSC can come or not, but you'll be leaving at x time and won't be waiting. If DH prefers not to come or to take his other DC later as well / instead, that's up to him. Let him do his thing, and you do yours. Every time he tries to say you don't want to spend time with them, shut the conversation down. Remind him calmly, once, about all the times you have waited around, all the things you DO do with the DSC and then tell him that you've already discussed this, he knows perfectly well it isn't true and that these are your plans - see above.

Ultimately, I can't see the relationship lasting, if he is unable to deal with the guilt he has relating to his first children following the birth of his third child. He needs to accept his behaviour is unhealthy and that it isn't about the DSC missing out but completely about his guilt, and then seek counselling to deal with his feelings, so he can teach and model healthy behaviours to all his children. I can't see him being able to do this.

Wish you good luck OP.

On paper it sounds like he's a good dad. That he is always considering his children whether they are with him or not. In reality I can totally understand how this would grate on your nerves. As you've said it's not a trip out to theme park or anything like that it's just a quick take away because you're tired and couldn't be bothered to cook.

I think he needs to work on making sure you all feel valued so you and your shared child too. So when the kids are at their mums he doesn't encroach on their time for little things and appreciates that he doesn't need to do everything with all 3 kids.

Aren't they just.

Like what on earth is going on in peoples heads 😵‍💫